I'm not putting my life story up on here but no2 is spot on. No3 is a load of bollocks imo of course.

wow that's early I don't normally see 6am unless I've been out all night.

Afternoon 2kids how you doin.

Haha pornhub rocks

Surely pornhub is quicker and easier.

I've got a bulldog cross. I eneded up with her after my neighbour found a load of abandoned puppies in a skip. We took them down to the nearest rspca dogs home and as we were looking around my dog was about to get destroyed so had to take her home.

You know what they say 'if you can't stand the heat get out the kitchen'.

Nah I'm f###ing freezing it's cold out.

And the weekend starts here

Shlomi Aber - Lines In The Sand (Original Mix)
Hector Couto, Darius Syrossian- House is House (Orginal Mix)
Xinobi - Puma (Original Mix)
Hot Since 82 - Knee Deep In Louise (Original Mix)

I've got got a Golf I did have Range Rover Vouge but sold it and bought a boat instead.

Damm that aint happening what happens if we get out our group?.

My kids keep taking the p1ss out of my alzeimers, wont be so funny when they get up Christmas morning and there are no eggs under the bonfire.

You all know what Mrs Brizzle is like for buying bags, so I thought I'd surprise her.
I bought her a matching bag and belt set for Christmas.
She wasn't impressed
.......... but at least the hoover works now!

Nigella Lawson, off her t*ts, snorting cocaine. Who cares?
Nigella Lawson snorting cocaine off her t*ts. Now you're talking.

Just heard a rumour that Caburys are bringing out a brand new Oriental chocolate bar,
but it might just be a Chinese Wispa.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I'��m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ��Have you got frog��s legs?�� He said, Yes,��so I said, ��Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich'

What she said ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You can't look past:

Spain
Brazil
Argentina
Germany

Any of those can win it. I would be very surprised if it wasn't any of those.

I hate catching the England fever then every single time without fail we get knocked out on f###ing penalties.

Get my baseball bat.

Derek Mcinnes is doing a good job at Aberdeen when he was manager of us I spoke to him a few times a nicer bloke you will not meet and I'm glad he's doing so well.

As for England I will be amazed if we get out our group we are a bang average side with bang average players. If we have to rely on Jagielka and Cahill as our centre backs we're f###ed.

Yep he's got skills that bloke.

Carl Cox opening party at Space Ibiza
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHms8POkG0Q

That bird at 20m50s Hi how you doin

Turn ons:

Someone that can dance and I mean really dance.
Someone that looks good without make up.
Someone that likes to dress up and role play in the bedroom.
Someone that can hold their own in an argument
Someone that is independent
Someone that is funny and makes me laugh

Turn offs:

Someone that moans and nags all the time
Someone that expects me to pay for everything
Someone that tries to change me
Someone that flirts with all my mates
Someone that lies

That's all I can think of at the minute.

Robosonic & Adana Twins - La Fique (Original Mix)
Dirty Doering - I Would (Original Mix)
Steve Bug & Mr V: The Long Run (Steve Bugs Vocal Mix)
Luxury - J.A.W.S (Original Mix)
Huxley - Like One (Chris Lattner Remix)
Nic Fanciulli - Wild (Lauren Lane Remix)

I did the security for a Katty Perry gig at the o2 in London last year my god she can't sing she was out of time and sounded awful so she gets my vote.