I'm a casual atheist.
I don't follow it religiously.


If women ruled the world there would be no wars ...
just lots of countries not talking to each other.


Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

My wife looked at me through the kitchen window as she was washing the dishes and called me an uncaring b*****d.
She's not a big fan of the new outside tap.

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.

The girlfriend wanted to try a bit of role reversal in the bedroom.
I hated it though, I just sat there half the night with my arms folded while she was down the pub.

I asked a dyslexic ex when I was with her for a blow job, and she burned my baws with a hairdryer while I was sleeping! My brother was arguing with a fat guy in the pub and my brother said ' don't think you're a hard man, just because you've got the type of face that could violate a fridge from 50 yards away! ' ha ha

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.


I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

A bloke goes into the doctors with a frog on his head. Doctor says “yes sir how can I help you” and the frog replies “well it all started with this abscess on my a**e”!
Well I thought it was funny

And now to present the suicide bomber of the year award.
Unfortunatley the winner can't be with us.

My kids keep taking the p1ss out of my alzeimers, wont be so funny when they get up Christmas morning and there are no eggs under the bonfire.

You all know what Mrs Brizzle is like for buying bags, so I thought I'd surprise her.
I bought her a matching bag and belt set for Christmas.
She wasn't impressed
.......... but at least the hoover works now!

Nigella Lawson, off her t*ts, snorting cocaine. Who cares?
Nigella Lawson snorting cocaine off her t*ts. Now you're talking.

Just heard a rumour that Caburys are bringing out a brand new Oriental chocolate bar,
but it might just be a Chinese Wispa.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I'��m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ��Have you got frog��s legs?�� He said, Yes,��so I said, ��Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich'

if life is too short then wear a trouser..

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

If sex is a pain in the ***, then you're doing it wrong...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Working at a yo yo factory has its ups and downs.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows - it’s never been done before

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat instead...

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.