Just failed my audition for a role in Romeo & Juliet by misreading the script.

It read "Enter Juliet from the rear"....

Hi Bonnie,

Not sure if this song is available in your country but this is for Mark and your good self:

The Icicle Works-Love Is A Wonderful Colour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1RyvR210m0

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mum about that hair...
Her mum calmly said that part where hair has grown is called "Monkey" be proud that your monkey has grown hair, the girl smiled.
At supper she told her sister " my monkey has grown hair" Her sister smiled and said "that's nothing mine is already eating bananas!"...
Mum fainted..

Now there's a proposition

I could also hide them under my beard

It's certainly a moving experience

A passionate plea:

Can I just ask a big favour ?
Those of you planning to put up Christmas lights outside your property's,please can you avoid anything blue and flashing ?
Every time I think its the police and I have a mild panic attack.
I have to throw my weed away, swallow my joint, and shove my gun under the seat.
It is a major drama, I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.

Hello and welcome to Mingle2

Exciting new futures and new horizons to behold together

Hi Bonnie,

I wish you many years of happiness together

I do not like them at all

HaHa good one
This time last year you'd be struggling to find some

Yesterday, I had a flat tyre on the motorway coming home from shopping. So I eased my car over to the hard shoulder, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposes their nudity to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men and of course, traffic began backing up.
Everybody beeped their hooters and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and walked towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?" he asked.
"My car has a flat tyre," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

This Floor Manager at the factory that makes the Tickle-Me Elmo toys, which laugh when you tickle them under the arms, hires this apprentice, who next day reports for her training day promptly at 9AM.

The next day at 9.45AM there is a knock at the Manager's door. His assistant walks in all fuming and begins to ranting about the new employee.

- She so incredibly slow! The whole line is backing up! The whole production line is waaaaay behind the schedule.

The Floor Manager decides to see this for himself, so the two of them march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle-Me Elmos all over the floor and are beginning really to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the girl surrounded by mountains of Tickle-Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Manager sighs. "I'm sorry," he says to her, keeping a gravely face “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.....… Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

An 84-year-old lady is waiting for her husband in Harpoon Harry's.
Suddenly a handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away.
The man is so attractive that she just can't take her eyes off him.
After a short while, the man notices her staring, and approaches her.
Before the lady has time to apologise, the man looks her deep in the eyes and says to her in a sultry tone, "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the lady asks him what his condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The lady takes a moment to consider the offer from the handsome man.
She whips out her handbag and puts $100 dollars into his hand.
She then looks him square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly,
"Paint my house."
Our needs change as we get older, we get smarter and tend to look for bargains.

Good one Sir Dino

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live nearby" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?

A man went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get an erection.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the old chap were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, he decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his tallywhacker sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'possibly, but I am not sure if I can fit another bun up my arse.