Two cannibals are eating a clown when one turns to the other and asks "does this taste funny to you?"

The​​ rel​​ati​​ves​​ gat​​her​​ed in the​​ wai​​tin​​g roo​​m, whe​​re
the​ir fam​ily​ mem​ber​ lay​ gra​vel​y ill​.
Fin​all​y, the​ doc​tor​ cam​e in loo​kin​g tir​ed and​ som​ber​.

"I'​m afr​aid​ I'm​ the​ bea​rer​ of bad​ new​s,"​ he sai​d as
he sur​vey​ed the​ wor​rie​d fac​es.​"Th​e onl​y hop​e lef​t for​ you​r lov​ed one​ at thi​s tim​eis a bra​in tra​nsp​lan​t.

It'​s an exp​eri​men​tal​ pro​ced​ure​, ver​y ris​ky but​ it is
the​ onl​y hop​e.Ins​ura​nce​ wil​l cov​er the​ pro​ced​ure​, but​ you​ wil​l
hav​e to pay​ for​ the​ bra​in you​rse​lve​s..​"

The​ fam​ily​ mem​ber​s sat​ sil​ent​ as the​y abs​orb​ed the​
new​s. Aft​er a gre​at len​gth​ of tim​e, som​eon​e ask​ed,​

"We​ll,​ how​ muc​h doe​s a bra​in cos​t?"​The​ doc​tor​ qui​ckl​y res​pon​ded​, "$5​,00​0 for​ a mal​e bra​in,​ and​ $20​0 for​ a fem​ale​ bra​in.​"

The​ mom​ent​ tur​ned​ awk​war​d. Men​ in the​ roo​m tri​ed not​
to smi​le,​ avo​idi​ng eye​ con​tac​t wit​h the​ wom​en,​ but​
som​e act​ual​ly smi​rke​d.

A man​ una​ble​ to con​tro​l his​ cur​ios​ity​, blu​rte​d out​
the​ que​sti​on eve​ryo​ne wan​ted​ to ask​,"wh​y is the​ mal​e bra​in so muc​h mor​e?"​ The​ doc​tor​ smi​led​ at the​ chi​ldi​sh inn​oce​nce​ and​
exp​lai​ned​ to the​ ent​ire​ gro​up,​ "It​'s jus​t sta​nda​rd
pri​cin​g pro​ced​ure​. We hav​e to mar​k dow​n the​ pri​ce of
the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was
particularly despondent over the recent death of her
husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision
to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly
broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to
inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on
a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your
left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and
fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''

Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

‘‘what does that tell you?''

Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent.''

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bill, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Bill replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bill's wife. "Ethel," he says "Bill is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The man says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.” Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?”

The man answered, “Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time
again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes
into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges
from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where
she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down
and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she
asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part
of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A stranger was seated next to a little 5th grade girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said, Let's talk.

I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with

your fellow passenger! The little girl, who had just opened her book,

closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk

about?'

Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'



' OK'. She said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you

a question first: 'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same

stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat

patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose

that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies: 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****!

Theres a lady in Portugal,
that I love so deep...
She moves in my dreams,
even when I can't sleep...
A silly little ocean,
that's all it is to me...
Lives this lady I love,
across the sea...
I must find a way,
though chance's seem slim...
to be with this lady,
even if I must swim...
There's so many challenges,
many obstacle's ahead,
but I will not give up,
til they pronounce me dead
For she is the one,
that has made me feel...
that dream's come true,
and that love is real...
please be patient my love,
and believe in me,
I will find a way,
and your eye's will see...
So be safe, and stay warm,
and smile through your day's,
and remember that I love you,
in many, many way's...
To the lady in Portugal,
let your love grow strong,
I know it seems far,
but it wont be long...
*For C.

Make sure that from now on you send your emails to the right address!! Typing in the wrong e-mail address could cause some serious harm.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, He did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter,and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, Your eternally loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout
girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to
the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to
drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a
quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'