IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one
of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that
time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4
horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's
not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the
clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She
said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can
just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who
asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and
said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign
on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City




IDIOT SIGHTING :

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichit a , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.
We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked
at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments .





IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.






IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and
found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its
open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent
over to pick it up....


.......then all the other bells started to ring.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I can no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fat I have consumed over the years.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me th e one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer recei ve packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at lea st 144,000 people in t he next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late .

LITTLE FLAB!!

One morning while making breakfast,

a man walked up to his wife,

pinched her on the butt and said.

'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of

your control top pantyhose.'

While this was on the edge of intolerable

she kept silent.

The next morning,

the man woke his wife with

a pinch on each of her breasts

and said.

'You know, if you firmed these up,

we could get rid of your bra.'

This was

beyond

a silent response.

So she rolled over.

and

grabbed him

by his

'DANGLER'



With a death grip in place,

she said.

'You know,

if you

firmed this up,

we could

get rid of

the gardener

the postman

the pool man

and

your brother!'



Have A Good Day!

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning; and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for
a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull
with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. And since our
daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump this bum! Good grief, woman; you don't need
him anymore. You're a Senator from New York and a candidate for
President of the United States . Act like it.

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day Madam. How may we help you today?' Very comfortable, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks, "Sir, what is theprice of this lovely bracelet? " He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** when I tell you the price!"

The Naked Cowboy
> >
> > The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
> > street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
> > walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
> > his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
> > As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the
> world are you dressed like this?"
> >
> > The Cowboy says:
> >
> > "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the
> > bar down the road and this pretty little red head
> > asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
> > did.
> >
> > We go inside and she pulls off her top and
> > asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.
> >
> > Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
> > pull off my pants. So I did.
> >
> > Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
> > pull off my shorts. So I did.
> > Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
> > of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..."
> >
> > and here I am."
>
> Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200
women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so sorry for your loss; I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it"?

"My husband's".

What happened to him"?

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him".

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse"?

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my husband when the dog turned on her".

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog"?

"Get in line".