It's all been taken
From my heart and soul
Where once was light
Is burned-out coal
Darkness is speaking
From deep inside
From places once living
That since have died
Don'��t know what's missing
What was never there?
Don'��t know if it matters
Don'��t know if I care
I feel as a husk
Empty and dead
But instead of life
All I carried was dread
Is darkness rising
Consuming my heart?
Or is it reverting
To how it was at the start?
Was the light a mirage
Falsely giving me faith
When deep inside
I had the heart of a wraith?
Still don'��t know if it matters
But I know I don'��t care
Inside I am broken
And beyond all repair.

Well a part of me is afraid that something will change. It may be an irrational fear, but it's still there.

There is a girl from my church that I have known for several years that I have been "crushing on" for quite a while. We lead a bible study together at a group home for emotionally disabled people, go to Small Group Bible study together, go to a Recovery Ministry together, and go to DBT group therapy together. She told me today that she has had a crush on me for a long time. At this point, I of course told her I have felt the same way. I am ecstatic, as you can imagine, but I am afraid that it could interfere with the various groups and responsibilities we are a part of. What are your thoughts?

Grats bro! I am working on getting mine out again. I usually do it every 2 years. I let it get to about 18 - 20 inches, then donate it.

You are the darkness
I feel you pressing in
Smother me with love
A thin shadowy guise
I can see through it
The core of you is dark

But I have seen darker
I have known despair
A desperate plea
Falling unheard
I have been alone

So lie to me
Take my hand
Take my heart
Take my breath
Smother me with
Your dark caress

I am alone again
You lie dead
I yet live
I hate you
I envy you
I am you
Dead and alone
Inside of you

I see what you are saying... but honestly, being a good person doesn't count for ****. Nobody gets to heaven by obedience of God's law. It's through having the faith of Abraham that we get there.

I took the plunge... I deleted 19 GB of music... All my ICP, Twiztid, etc... The Holy Spirit convicted me about the music and things I have exposed myself to. It's time to start guarding my heart.

Wrote this one a while ago... may have posted before, can't remember.

Agony and Sin
Let the pain begin
Unbearable taint on my soul
My heart left black and cold
A pain that lives inside of me
For intimate eyes to see
Eyes that turn away
Or feast on me as prey
Leaving me alone again
Agony and Sin

Treachery and Death
I’m told just to accept
I cannot bow my head
I’m told by them instead
To take the pain that I have earned
And watch it flare and burn
Told in painful lies
Shadowed in their eyes
All they spout with every breath
Treachery and Death

Jealousy and Shame
My heart played like a game
An instrument of pleasure
Tortured at your leisure
Play me like a distorted harp
Using words edged and sharp
Love isn’t real
This pain I feel
Was never truly mine to claim
Jealousy and Shame

Well thank you! This is the first one I've written in a while that I think is worthy of posting. I have been trying to write from other emotions other than pain, but I have a hard time with it. When I write from pain, the words flow out and assemble themselves on the page. When I try to write from happiness or joy I have to work at it, and I'm never quite satisfied with what I end up with.

Amen!

This is a poem I just wrote tonight.


Every day I wake up dying
And every night I lay there crying
What’s the point in even trying
To survive in a world without your love

What I wouldn’t give to feel your breath
Upon my cheek like a touch of death
To wilt away at your every caress
As you squeeze my heart in an iron glove

Every time I think I’m mended
My heart gets torn and life upended
Leaving me sick with fresh resentment
As helpless as a fragile dove

Once again heartache has found me
So I’ll build a wall up all around me
Letting the pain and hate surround me
I only pray it will be enough

I take the cards that I’ve been given
Take the life that I must live in
Take the hand and toss my chips in
But I always fold when push comes to shove

Another dark one ;-)

Agony and Sin
Let the pain begin
Unbearable taint on my soul
My heart left black and cold
A pain that lives inside of me
For intimate eyes to see
Eyes that turn away
Or feast on me as prey
Leaving me alone again
Agony and Sin

Treachery and Death
I’m told just to accept
I cannot bow my head
I’m told by them instead
To take the pain that I have earned
And watch it flare and burn
Told in painful lies
Shadowed in their eyes
All they spout with every breath
Treachery and Death

Jealousy and Shame
My heart played like a game
An instrument of pleasure
Tortured at your leisure
Play me like a distorted harp
Using words edged and sharp
Love isn’t real
This pain I feel
Was never truly mine to claim
Jealousy and Shame

I wrote this poem 9 years ago in High School. It is still one of my favorites, and I thought I would share it for Easter :)

His Sacrifice

On roads to Bethlehem they filed
To see this precious thing
And bring the child
The infant mild
High gifts fit for a king

Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh they brought
To celebrate his birth
He they sought
Was he who wrought
The peace that gives us worth

Completely man, yet wholly God
Most humble yet most high
When Lazarus died
Like man he cried
And yet brought him back to life

He took our sin, and took the blame
So we would not be damned
He sought no fame
He lived his name
The Holy, Holy Lamb

For us He lived, for us He died
Hanging upon the cross
And though we cry
We realize
We've gained more than we lost

A bit of a dark poem :)

Another Breath

Feel the blade slip in
Separate the skin
Numb the darkest part of me
And help the fools to see

The pain it never leaves
A broken heart that grieves
A heart that cannot love again
A heart that’s filled with sin

The point of no return
Time to live or burn
A minute more to contemplate
Stay the hand or push the blade

Another day of pain
Living in my shame
Yet again I flirt with death
And come back to take another breath

My son has been gone just over a year now. This is how I feel today.

Another night, another dream
Another day, another scream
Another memory without you here
Another thing to fear
Another night your bed’s not used
Another day my heart is empty too
Another laugh you could have shared
Another smile I forget to wear
Another night I can’t tuck you in
Another day I want to end
Another tear rolls down my cheek
Another word you never speak
Another night I lie awake
Another day and I may break
Another love I can never feel
Another day I can’t seem to heal

I love this one so much I had to re-share

Depression
So close to obsession
Self deprivation, agression
Evil thoughts plant evil seeds
Of possession
But the only demon is me
And it's time for redemption
To release all the tension
Built up in my axe handle
And it goes without mention
That if I didn't have the support I do
I'd snuff em out like a candle
Almost too much to handle
Breaking under the pressure
Of one more Midnight Therapy session
Depression

A squirty flower like the clowns use... and a box of condoms ;-)

Doesn't it though? lol

Yeah, didn't work out... she suddenly got the "walking shoes" after a year and a half of marriage... So divorce, here we come lol

But seriously, it's ok. I've learned a lot from the last year and a half of marriage. I've learned that I can't always count on others to keep a promise. I've learned that compromise has to work both ways. I've learned that I can live and love and feel and hurt and be joyous and free. I'm greatful for what I had.

I can't say that I don't feel hurt. I feel betrayed. A marriage can only work if both people want it to work. I know I'm not perfect, but when I said "I will" I meant it. When I said "For better or for worse" I meant it. She walked out on me the second things got rough. She just gave up on the marriage. I didn't cheat, I didn't beat her, I always did my best to love her properly, and she answers me with "I just don't love you the way a wife should love a husband" and left me to try to figure out where things went wrong.

Any advice for a bleeding heart would be welcomed.

A Dawning Darkness

A dawning darkness crests on the horizon
Day or night, nobody can quite discern
But Evil amasses, and purveyors of Good
Are cast down into graves of misery
While dark children laugh at such sport
And the last remnants of sanity wither away
With a dark fog descending to choke out the light
And even Luna's Glow has been obscured
By the dark sky spraying down tears of crimson
Upon a land once so fine that now is dead
For it is the cruelty of man
That hath denied his own and thus
Accepting his Doom with a Grim hand
That cast aside his fellows
He seals with glee his lonely fate
In the desolate Depths of Despair
And though he cries for Salvation
His pleas fall unheard on empty ears
For none is left to save him from the dark
That he unwittingly drew upon himself
With cruel intent and angry words
Sharper that the keenest blade
He cut down his very integrity
Until none would call him Friend
Nor even look upon his ugly face
Lest they see themselves in him
For he is but a shimmering mirror
And the meanness in his heart
Is a reflection of all Mankind
In this, his most villainous hour
As he slays his own with no remorse
Yet has not the courage to end his life
Man's cruelty is truly Cowardice
Evil acts spurred on by fear of revenge
And he feels he must abolish the good
Lest it rise up against him
And reclaim what is rightly its own
To take the mark of man from its home
And repair the many scars he left
In hopes for a more deserving tenant
A tenant with goodness in his heart
Who will bring back the Light of Dawn