Here's the situation: my youngest, Dinky, is a 1 1/2 yr old female that I found running the streets on a previous project. She's a sweet little girl, and she really listens to me and seems to want to please me whenever she can; you'd never guess she had such a rough beginning. Lately, though, she's been showing a lot of interest in another girl her age. "Lucy" is a Beagle female, who is very attractive and very popular and she knows it.

I'm concerned about Dinky's feelings towards Lucy. Is the fact that Dinky's mother was a Beagle a factor? (My vet's best guess is that her parents are Beagle / Dachshund, and all the Dachshunds we've met are either evasive or hostile, classic deadbeat dads!) I can't imagine the hurt Dinky feels at being abandoned at such an early age, and I don't want her making the mistake of trying to fill that hole in her heart with Lucy just because she's a Beagle.

I'm not worried about never having any grandpuppies; Dinky has been fixed. It seemed like the socially responsible thing to do, especially considering her early childhood. I feel bad that Dinky had no say in the matter, but that is the tough role of parenting, I suppose. No, Lucy being a female is not my issue; it is how she flaunts her appearance, showing off her full-blood status, her beautiful eyes, her speckled belly. Dinky is friendly, very friendly, but she won't let just any dog sniff her butt. Lucy, however, flops over and shows her belly at the first sniff. She seems a bit promiscuous, if you ask me.

I'm worried because Dinky is behaving differently. Normally, when we go for walks, she buries her nose in the grass or the leaves and somehow manages to come up with something to eat in her mouth, and I can never get it away in time. I usually can't even tell what she's eating, and I've learned not to examine the matter too closely (you only have to pluck cat poop out of your dog's mouth with your bare hand once, after all). I don't like it, because I try to provide good, nutritious meals for her, and foraging around in the yards of my neighborhood makes it seem like Dinky is starving; I blame it on her life on the street, scrounging for her every meal...but, when Dinky gets near Lucy's block, she stops sniffing around in the grass and starts pulling on her leash to get there faster.

Dinky never used to pull on her leash before she met Lucy. Well, okay, sure, if a rabbit or a squirrel or stray cat happened to be outside, or even a windblown leaf were to happen by, but for the most part, she loves going for walks alongside of me, sharing in the view as we go.

I'm worried that Lucy may be able to exert peer pressure on Dinky, get her to engage in risky behavior she might not have otherwise considered. I start thinking of fencing in the backyard whenever I imagine my little girl laying in some strange yard, belly to the sky, letting all the dogs sniff her at will. What could come next? Will she start barking at cars? Chewing my shoes?

If anyone has been in a similar situation, please, help me out. Is this a classic case of being the new girl on the block and wanting to have a popular friend, or is this...puppy love?

This is my youngest:

I felt like I needed an example, to clarify a bit:

Mary and John are equally interested in purchasing a new home, but each has different wants; Mary wants a large backyard, while John feels strongly about having a Master Bath. John may defer to Mary on yard size, and she may defer to John on the master bath; while Mary is the larger investor on the backyard and John cares the least, they share the mutual goal of wanting a new home, so compromise works to the benefit of both partners.

Now, in the second scenario, Mary is very interested in purchasing a new home, where John is not interested at all. Mary will need to purchase "buy in" from John, so she may suggest a new home with a small backyard, but a very nice master bath. In this scenario, Mary is the larger investor yet John's lack of investment is actually what is controlling the transaction.

Yea, 'tis true.

I've seen it stated as "the default status for most relationships is towards the partner with the fewest needs", most often when referring to sexless, or under sexed, marriages. The partner with the lowest sex drive usually "controls" the relationship by controlling how often the couple has sex. This also applies to many other situations; the person with the most to lose, so to speak, has the weakest bargaining position and often defers to their partner to reduce the risk of losing what they consider highly valuable.

I think caring, or emotional investment, works the same way. The person with the least emotional investment has a lower risk to reward ratio, so they are typically willing to take higher risks, whereas the person with the greater emotional investment may choose to act conservatively to minimize their risk. In personal interactions, the conservative approach can appear to be meek, whereas the riskier attitude can appear to control the direction the relationship takes.

There are always exceptions, of course; there are people who damn the torpedos, full speed ahead, regardless of what they have to lose, and those who defer to the more invested partner out of a sense of compassion.

Actually, my 2nd marriage was quite the opposite; if it was something she really felt strongly about, we went in her direction, and if it was something I really felt strongly about, we went in my direction...most of the time. I guess that is the compromise that successful relationships are built on.

I think, though, if the idea of "control" has entered into the relationship, it is doomed. As an observation, though, I think people can look back and see where the model applied, the lesser invested person typically steering the relationship, if only because the relationship appeared fragile enough to the other partner they felt they had to defer to their partner to avoid shattering it.

Good food for thought...I can't seem to shut up about it.

This, too. I'm guilty of being so much more reasoned and dispassionate when I am online, whereas in person I tend to be very animated and read like an open book.

I get to choose what time I am going to be online, and if I'm not feeling up to it, I simply don't go, so I tend to always put my best foot forward by default.

I can get into a screaming match with my neighbor in the middle of a post, and there is no way anyone online would know.

It's funny how public speaking is the number one fear, yet online everyone is so yappy! LOL

I'm leaning towards him being married or at least seeing other people...his life is complicated because he's keeping his options open.

That's the cynic in me, naturally.

My life is complicated...I have pets, so I have to get home after work to take care of them. I'm pretty independent at work, which could mean flexibility but often means that I have to visit different sites throughout the week, so my schedule can often be last minute. I have kids, so I have commitments to them that are not always planned in advance.

Those are all excuses I could use to not meet with someone...whereas, if I wanted to spend time with someone, I'd let them know when I'm most available and I'd make the effort to keep those commitments.

Having a busy, complicated life is how I avoid spending time around some family members...not how I'd treat someone I was interested in dating.

Always, always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone.

There is a former police officer that teaches a whole series on defense for women and he really give a lot of great examples...wish I could remember his name.

What it boils down to, is that you're capable of reading body language and many other signs without it surfacing to your conscious mind...you just get a "feeling".

I think if you search your memory of that meeting, you'll pick up on some things that seemed "odd" at the time.

Sure, you could have been nervous, and could even have been reacting to not feeling well, physically...but my cynical nature suggests the ill feeling was your subconscious telling you to get out of there.

It may also be that you've had bad experiences, so your "radar" is highly tuned to some things that may seem innocent to others.

I'd argue Occam's Razor, and that you should trust your gut.

So...I'm not the only one with '80s Hair Metal influences?

;-)

And since no one else thought of it...

Love is:

All around you; love is knocking, outside your door. Waiting for you, is this love made just for two, so keep up hope and baby you'll find love again, I know.

;-)

Love is an act of will, a conscious decision each and every human makes, even when they are in denial that they've made that decision.

Love is one of two primary emotions, key to our survival; fear is the other. Fear keeps us away from danger, love bands us together for greater good. All other emotions and motives flow from those two emotions.

These are not my thoughts or opinions, but rather the observations made by professionals in mental health and human behavior.

That doesn't make for good song lyrics or poetry, but it really helps analyze how I react to situations.

I honestly can't say. I have two dear friends that are looking for that special someone to settle down and have kids with that are older than I am, but neither one has any children yet, so I can understand that.

I've enjoyed my kids, but I'm enjoying seeing them become more independent and I really enjoy the conversations we have nowadays. I'd love to hold a baby again, but I can wait for grandparenthood for that, or I can live vicariously through friends with young kids.

I'm looking forward to being able to travel, personally.

I wonder if older men find security in having a child with a younger woman?

When I was 18 until my first marriage, older women actually hit on me, and I had a few fantastic relationships from that.

After my first divorce, younger women were suddenly in to me, and I had some fun with that, too.

Now, I'm finding I just have more in common with older women. I'm not in a hurry to do anything...I'm happy to observe this journey and seek out new experiences based on quality.

Frankly, I'm a bit put off by the popularity and the term "cougar", because of the bad experiences the older women are having.

I still have a serious crush on Helen Mirren, though.

I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing either one of you of anything, or suggesting that your biological clock speaks louder than your words.

In my experience...and they were frightening, painful experiences...there are women who feel a certain desperation once they reach their thirties, and that desperation can have a big influence on the decisions they make.

I entered the first relationship feeling that we'd both been pretty clear on our unwillingness to get married again, that we'd be monogamous and committed without a ceremony...then, a year and a half into the relationship, I got the "give me a ring or hit the road" ultimatum. If I'd known up front she had a deadline for getting married, I'd never have gone on the first date.

The second relationship started off with an unexpected pregnancy right after we were married, with miscarriages to follow. It was hell. I was married to someone who felt like I had no right to deny her an opportunity to have children...something I had not know about prior to saying "I do". It was when the talk turned to adopting that I realized I had to leave the marriage.

Do I think every women in her thirties that is unmarried and childless will do something similar to me? No. Am I willing to take that risk? Also, No.

I'm offering personal insight as to why the red flag is there; I'm not trying to cast judgement on anyone. Mine is one singular experience, and may very well be in the minority. My hope is that having this insight, you can better diffuse the red flag, if you so choose.

I'd be cautious of a 33 yr old woman who'd never been married because in my experience, those are the two things they seem to be in the biggest hurry to do: get married and have babies.

As long as the person was clear that they weren't in a hurry to get married or have children, it would no longer matter to me.

But I've had too many unfortunate experiences with women who wanted marriage and children but felt no need to make that clear; they honestly thought once we were together my views on both would change.

Three miscarriages later, and I'm pretty adamant about getting fixed and never dating anyone who still wants children.

You're in the "clock is ticking" range; if that is not something you care about, you could take the red flag off by letting men know that. I haven't looked at your profile, so I hope I'm not making assumptions that offend you.

I've perused a lot of dating sites before coming here, and the most noticeable thing that stuck out to me was the number of women who weren't interested in dating a man under 6' tall.

I'd see their profile, where their height was listed as anything from 5'-0" to 5'-6", and they still wanted to date 6'-0" and taller!

I understand that height is an attractive feature in a man, but it seems like these women are slamming the door on a very wide range of men, considering the national average for U.S. is 5'-9".

I've dated a couple of taller women, and they acted like they couldn't wear high heels with me, and that was a big negative for them. I couldn't understand that...I'd wear whatever shoes I wanted to wear, so I don't see why they wouldn't, as well.

Ultimately, our height differences weren't the issues in the relationship; once they got past my shorter stature, we had a great time together and we're still very close friends.

So, ladies, tell me...why the height requirement?

I went through a long period of counseling after my first divorce, and one of the many things I was taught was that love is a decision, an act of will, one that we have control over, if we so choose.

So, I entered into my next marriage fully aware of the reasons why I chose to love her, without fear, without reservations. It was the best decision I've made in a long time.

The fact that our marriage failed does not change who she is as a person, someone worth the love I gave her and definitely worth finding love again. I'm glad we were able to separate under such amicable terms.

I fell out of love with her as purposefully as I fell in love with her; granted, she made it easy, both times. I still miss her, at times, and I agonized over my decision for a couple of years before following through with it.

I still feel a connection to my first wife, too, but I'm glad the erotic dreams stopped. That was the most difficult time in my life...believing I'd moved on, that I was ready for someone new, then having these dreams that felt so powerful, so real, they had me questioning if I still really was in love with her. Thankfully science explained to me that her presence in my dreams was just a sort of shortcut my brain was making to represent someone desirous in my dreams, that my real want was for intimacy with someone I trusted, not specifically her. Whew!

My biggest red flags:

I'm an atheist. I used to hide it, because most of the U.S. reacts so negatively towards atheism...but after work and relationship discrimination, I felt like it was time to make my stand and let the world around me know that I don't share their beliefs and I'm not going to sit quietly while they assume I do, or just don't know better.

I'm 42, losing my hair and I'm thirty pounds overweight.

I'm twice divorced.

I have Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea, meaning I have to sleep with a mask over my face.

I have fibromyalgia, which means my physical activity can be limited at times and even with medication, I suffer from bouts of pain and mood changes because of the pain. I'm trying not to let fibro define me, but I get discouraged and feel like I should just become a hermit instead of hoping to find someone who understands how chronic illness can affect someone.

Your red flags are actually some of the things I find most attractive! I know I'm in a minority when it comes to liking muscular, older, military women, though.

I served in the Marines, so I feel like I have a lot of common ground with other military members, and I like that. There are things about being in the military you can't describe to someone that hasn't, so you belong to a sort of fellowship.

I'm not intimidated by muscles at all...I like them. I think they look sexy, on everyone. I really enjoy physical touch, giving and receiving, and muscles are required for massage. You can't massage someone's bones, after all!

I tend to get along better with more mature women. Women who are younger tend to have more short term interests, like fashion, going to nightclubs, being with the "it" crowd. Women my age and older have a favorite bar that is not typically a crowded meat market and they prefer genuine people to popularity. I've had younger girlfriends who wanted me to dress like I was their age, and that just doesn't match my personality. I'm also more settled...I have a home, not an apartment, I have a career, not a job, and I'm realistic about physical appearance.

However, you're from Canada, so that's a red flag...LOL