Well, I told MYSELF that I'm awesome, and I'm my own son.

Wait. What?

"Neon"

Oh man do I love ska.

I still listen to Less Than Jake, Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish, and Authority Zero all the time.

Streetlight is probably the most 'oldschool' of all of them, though Less Than Jake is my favorite band.

That is a problem that I have - I'm a good writer, but I am also good at writing humor.

So - funny stories board? Writing board?

It makes my head hurt just trying to figure it out. :P

I like it!

What a killer title, right?

Anyway, this story needs some explanation.

Back in the day, I was a huge nerd. (Well, more than I am now. Sorta).

My brother and I went with a few of his friends to a Star Wars convention back when Star Wars was our lifeblood. I was around nine or so at the time, and my brother and his buddy were around thirteen.

At the convention, I saw a line forming near the entrance, and I discovered that Anthony Daniels (the guy who played C3PO in the movies) was signing autographs.

Now at the sweet and tender age of nine, this was a joy bomb exploding in my brain. Luckily, I had bought a R2-D2 action figure at the convention, so I took it with me for him to sign.

(In retrospect, I probably should have gotten a C3PO action figure for him to sign, but whatever. Not important).

I hopped in line, and was bouncing up and down in anticipation like a kangaroo on ecstasy. When I approached the head of the line, I was stopped by a big guy wearing a black suit, and he told me that in order for Anthony Daniels to sign anything, I needed to pay the $15 fee.

To reiterate - I needed to pay the convention hall so that someone could write their name on some cardboard for me.

I didn't have any money - I spent it all on the ticket to get in. So, I did the most natural thing for a nine-year-old boy whose dreams were crushed - I cried.

I wept tears of bitterness and shame, and walked to a corner of the convention hall to hide myself away from the eyes of others.

I looked mournfully back towards Anthony Daniels, and through my tears, I saw him looking at me, sympathy radiating from him.

That was many years ago.

The scars have healed and the memories are all that remain.

I realize that in the grand scheme of things - when my time on this earth draws to a close - when the flame of my life is extinguished - I can close my eyes and be utterly content.

I cried in front of C3PO.

And that's awesome.

I have the countenance of a fifth-grader sometimes.

Does that count?

I happen to enjoy the fact that we men are in fact, bipedal.

I mean, lets start with the basics, right?

Oh man. I have seen way too many horror movies to ignore this post.

If someone comes to your door and your dog goes batsh## crazy, or if your dog suddenly perks its ears up and growls at some unknown entity, LEAVE.

Don't walk backwards; don't suddenly look in one direction in fear, realize that there is nothing there, and slowly turn around; don't ever go to slumber parties, and for the love of God, NEVER have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend in a creepy mansion/summercamp/camping trip/roadtrip/cornfield/outdoors/indoors.

...which is sort of limiting I realize.

Hanalei Valley - Hawaii

Just tell him that your phone number is "911-###-####".

He'll get the message pretty quickly.

I have a Greek friend named George Papadimitropolous.

His name is so long that they had to abbreviate his first name on his driver's license.

I would change the fact that humans are essentially greed-driven - subconsciously so in some cases.

The way that our minds are structured, true altruism cannot exist.
Every action that we are capable of draws from our self-interest to some degree.

I donate blood on a regular basis (I'm O+ - the universal type so they need my blood often) - yet even after I donate, I still feel a small sense of satisfaction - a sort of 'I did something good today' feeling. Therefore, I received something from the interaction - I got a rise out of it - not altruistic.

I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if everyone derived greater pleasure from helping others out, rather than constantly watching out for themselves.

Someone once told me that I look like some young blond kid from 7th Heaven - which is really more of an insult than a compliment.

I have a dislocated shoulder from skateboarding - yet I continue to do it all the time - no pads or helmet, naturally.

Ugh. It's too early.

Single and skateboarding into walls and stuff.

....not because I'm single, mind you. I do stuff like that all the time.

In my opinion, you have to look at it from both perspectives.

On the one hand, Pirates are fierce, grog-swilling maniacs with sharp pointy things on their extremities, and the salty sea air has no doubt hardened their skin. Not to mention the fact that they may or may not have a parrot by their side - good for distractions and/or pecking someone's eyes out.

Also, it is worth noting that pirates may reek of booze so badly that their stench may be considered a biological hazard - Toxic to anyone with low alcohol tolerance.

Now Ninjas are generally stealthy and swift, with none of the swagger, or the rampant alcoholism. They prefer the shadows, as their favorite color is black. Ninjas probably have better reflexes than pirates do, but I'll wager that pirates can take more of a beating before they are put in the ground.

The battlefield must be taken into account as well - if fighting on the deck of a mighty ship in the blazing Caribbean sun, then no shadows = Ninja limbs everywhere.

If at a still graveyard on a icy-cold cloudless night, then the ninja will be enjoying a heaping bowl of pirate stew.

although.......I reckon that a T-rex could take 'em both.

Dammit - it's midnight and now I have to go to the store and buy some gummi bears.

Anyone ever had Haribo Gold Bears?

I'm pretty sure they have a secret ingredient. Crack.

"The Science of Selling Yourself Short" by Less Than Jake