I absolutely guessed the red hammer.

Yay! I'm just like everybody else!

...wait...

I'll just throw this out there - I don't like Valentine's Day.

Some of my friends have lovingly (and not so lovingly) adopted the day as "Single's Awareness Day", or S.A.D.

If you are in a good relationship - more power to you.

If you are single or in a bad relationship, then the mere mention of Valentine's Day or roses or love or Cupid makes you want to punch your grandmother right in the face.

In the FACE!

(Not because she is in any way related to St. Valentine or has anything to do with Valentine's Day mind you, it is merely the level of anger > level of not wanting to punch people, let alone people close to you).

...Anyway....

I try my damndest to avoid going outside on Valentine's Day, because the saccharine sweet lovey-dovey sugar-coated romance hangs in the air so thickly you can choke on it.

Your self-esteem is at gunpoint on Valentine's Day, and deciding to go out to a nice restaurant by yourself on that night is equivalent to you pulling the trigger.

So to sum up = Valentine's Day + Single = OH GOD IT BURNS

Now, to the present -

I went skateboarding today, which subsequently kicked my ass. I kicked the hell outta myself with a torn-up right arm, and a bruised hip.

Bruised hip = difficult to stand, let alone walk.

Bad luck you say? Unfortunate fate you say?

My friend 'Da Dokta" (he's a doctor, and that's what I call him) recommends that I lay down for a while and let it heal.

In fact, he recommended that I keep weight off of it all day tomorrow. Hmm.

Not only has skateboarding granted me an outlet into a (quasi-sadistic) pasttime, but it has also given me a grand excuse to not participate in Valentine's Day!

I can't walk! Hooray!

(And in retrospect, how many times have you ever heard someone say (or type) "I can't walk! Hooray!"?)

I love skateboarding so much.

Now, to eat candy, watch an action flick, and let my hip re-align.

Here's to Valentine's Day. Cheers.

I'll just throw this out there - I don't like Valentine's Day.

Some of my friends have lovingly (and not so lovingly) adopted the day as "Single's Awareness Day", or S.A.D.

If you are in a good relationship - more power to you.

If you are single or in a bad relationship, then the mere mention of Valentine's Day or roses or love or Cupid makes you want to punch your grandmother right in the face.

In the FACE!

(Not because she is in any way related to St. Valentine or has anything to do with Valentine's Day mind you, it is merely the level of anger > level of not wanting to punch people, let alone people close to you).

...Anyway....

I try my damndest to avoid going outside on Valentine's Day, because the saccharine sweet lovey-dovey sugar-coated romance hangs in the air so thickly you can choke on it.

Your self-esteem is at gunpoint on Valentine's Day, and deciding to go out to a nice restaurant by yourself on that night is equivalent to you pulling the trigger.

So to sum up = Valentine's Day + Single = OH GOD IT BURNS

Now, to the present -

I went skateboarding today, which subsequently kicked my ass. I kicked the hell outta myself with a torn-up right arm, and a bruised hip.

Bruised hip = difficult to stand, let alone walk.

Bad luck you say? Unfortunate fate you say?

My friend 'Da Dokta" (he's a doctor, and that's what I call him) recommends that I lay down for a while and let it heal.

In fact, he recommended that I keep weight off of it all day tomorrow. Hmm.

Not only has skateboarding granted me an outlet into a (quasi-sadistic) pasttime, but it has also given me a grand excuse to not participate in Valentine's Day!

I can't walk! Hooray!

(And in retrospect, how many times have you ever heard someone say (or type) "I can't walk! Hooray!"?)

I love skateboarding so much.

Now, to eat candy, watch an action flick, and let my hip re-align.

Here's to Valentine's Day. Cheers.

I'm an English Major, so maybe it's for the best.

(Takes a deep breath)
-------------------------------
Desiderata
(Found in St. Paul's Church; Baltimore 1692)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations of the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is, many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do no feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrending the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul~With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you say goodbye to a friend, assume that one of you
is going to die before you ever get to see each other again.
If you want to leave something unsaid, fine .. but be
prepared to leave it unsaid forever."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
----------------------------
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
-----------------------------
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.

-Mark Twain
-----------------------------
There are people who have an appetite for grief; pleasure is not strong enough and they crave pain. They have mithridatic stomachs which must be fed on poisoned bread, natures so doomed that no prosperity can sooth their ragged and dishevelled desolation.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-----------------------------------
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly what is essential is invisible to the eye
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-----------------------------------
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
-------------------------
A lot of people wonder how you know you're in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?"
- Ronnie Shakes
-------------------------
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
~ Steven Wright
-------------------------
Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.
-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials
-------------------------
"I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone." -Anonymous
-------------------------
"Can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
-------------------------
The essence of balance is detachment. To embrace a cause, to grow fond or spiteful is to lose one's balance afterwhich no action can be trusted. Our burden is not for the dependent of the spirit.
- Mayar, Third Keeper
-------------------------
"When I die, I want it to be like my grandfather - peaceful, asleep and smiling...... Not crying and screaming like his passengers"
Unknown
-------------------------
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
-- Jean Paul Sartre
-------------------------
"The more I learn of men the more I like my dog."
Frederick the Great
-------------------------
"It is sad to think that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs" - Jack Handey
-------------------------
"If your enemy has two alternatives, he will do the third."
Napoleon Bonaparte
-------------------------
"Betrayal is a matter of dates"
Cardinal Richelieu
-------------------------
"Oh man, I got Orang-gina all over my pants."
Me
-------------------------
We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv' -The Knights Who Until Recently Said "Ni"
--------------------------------
"I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog" -Anon
--------------------------------
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it."
- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
--------------------------------
I do not agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. - François-Marie Arouet Voltaire
--------------------------------
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
-Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)
--------------------------------
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. " -Napoleon Bonaparte
--------------------------------
"Tribal sovereignty means that -- it's sovereign. You're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." ~ George W. Bush
--------------------------------
"A witty saying proves nothing." -Voltaire
--------------------------------
"what you risk reflects what you value" -Anon
--------------------------------
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
--------------------------------
"Sex is not that important; it's the afterward part when you're naked and it's warm. Watching the sun come up through the windshield you look in her good eye and you help strap on her leg and you know: you ****ed a pirate." ~ Dave Attell
--------------------------------
"The illusion of freedom [in America] will continue as long as it’s profitable to continue the illusion. At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will just take down the scenery, they will pull back the curtains, they will move the tables and chairs out of the way and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theater."
- Frank Zappa, musician and cultural iconoclast
--------------------------------
"I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes! " ~Dark Helmet "Spaceballs"
--------------------------------
"i've got a big big thirst for human blood!" slurm machine - futurama
--------------------------------
Donnie to Frank:"Why do you wear that stupid rabbit suit?"
Frank to Donnie:"Why do you wear that stupid human suit?"
- Donnie Darko
--------------------------------
"...And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. So I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man."
Martin Luther King Jr., April 3, 1968, the day before he was assassinated
--------------------------------
"I'm sad that i'm flying." - Strongsad
--------------------------------
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Isaac Asimov
--------------------------------
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” - Aristotle
--------------------------------
"Only the insane have strength enough to prosper. Only those who prosper may truely judge what is sane."
- Anon
--------------------------------
“I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.” - Mahatma Gandhi
--------------------------------
"There ought to be limits to freedom."
- Governor George W Bush, May 21, 1999
--------------------------------
***"Eighty percent of success is showing up."***
-Woody Allen
--------------------------------

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there. It is hard for me to make sense on any given level. My self is fabricated, an aberration. My personality is sketchy and unformed, my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent. My conscience, my pity, my hopes disappeared a long time ago (probably at Harvard) if they ever did exist. There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed. I still, though, hold onto one single bleak truth: no one is safe, nothing is redeemed. Yet I am blameless. Each model of human behaviour must be assumed to have some validity. Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do? My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no escape. But even after admitting this-and I have, countless times, in just about every act I've commited - and coming face-to-face with these truths, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself , no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this.
This confession has meant nothing..." - American Psycho
----------------------------------
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
----------------------------------
"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired." - General George S. Patton
----------------------------------
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" Harry M. Warner (Warner Brothers, 1927)
----------------------------------
"This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang, but with a whimper."
-T.S. Eliot, extract from "The Hollow Men"
----------------------------------
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." Tom Clancy
----------------------------------
"time is the fire in which we burn." -Anon
----------------------------------
"Yes...Yes....I have the memo." ~ Peter Gibbons "Office Space"
----------------------------------
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Alva Edison
----------------------------------
"there is no success with out any consequent efforts" -Anon
----------------------------------
"Look after your body. You have nowhere else to live" - Aaron Stainthorpe of My Dying Bride
----------------------------------
CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power. - Arthur C. Clarke
----------------------------------
"Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes." - John Lennon
----------------------------------
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."
- T. S. Eliot
----------------------------------
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
- The First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America
----------------------------------
"I'd better put my pants on. It's formal." ~ Red Skelton
----------------------------------
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. "Margaret Millar"
----------------------------------
i never seek to defeat the man i am fighting. i seek to defeat his confidence. a mind troubled by doubt cannot focus [on the course to victory]. two men are equals - true equals - only when they both have equal confidence. FROM MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
----------------------------------
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. "Steven Wright" - US comedian and actor -
----------------------------------
"In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void. And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the water. And God said, 'Let there be light'. And there was light. And God saw the light. And it was good."
Genesis - 1.1
----------------------------------
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-His reply
----------------------------------
"She's so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "rape!", they yelled "no!" " ~ Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------
There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun. "Pablo Picasso" - Spanish Cubist painter (1881 - 1973) -
----------------------------------
"E iti noa ana, na te aroha: Though my present be small, my love goes with it" -Anon
----------------------------------
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back,
The sun shine warm upon your face,
The rain fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
~~ An Irish blessing ~~
----------------------------------
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. "Nora Ephron"
----------------------------------
Society - designed by the weak to control the strong. -Anon
----------------------------------
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. "Samuel Butler" - English composer, novelist, & satiric author (1835 - 1902)
----------------------------------
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. "Mark Twain" US humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 - 1910)
----------------------------------
"So let me get this straight... Osama Bin Laden kills 3,000 people and he's a villain. George W. Bush kills 1,000 Americans and he's a hero?" - Chris Rock
----------------------------------
All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. "Galelio Galilei" - Italian astronomer & physicist (1564 - 1642) -
----------------------------------
"The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities...It is best to win without fighting." ~ Sun-tzu "The Art of War". Planning a Siege
----------------------------------
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
----------------------------------
"If i were you......."
"If you were me then I'd be YOU! - and I'd use YOUR body to get to the top! You can't stop me no matter who you are!!!" - Jim Carrey [Ace Ventura]
----------------------------------
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon Bonaparte- "French general & politician (1769 - 1821)"
----------------------------------
Don't think...FEEL. It's like a finger pointing away to the moon. Don't concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory. - Bruce Lee - Enter The Dragon
----------------------------------
"it is better to be alone than being in bad company"
----------------------------------
If only a god would say "believe me" instead of "believe in me" -Anon
----------------------------------
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. - Unknown - quoted by Jim Horning
----------------------------------
"I'm afraid to travel. It's probably because my dad used to beat me with a globe." ~ Dave Attell
----------------------------------
At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas. - Aldous Huxley - English critic & novelist (1894 - 1963)
----------------------------------
Give me a place to stand and I shall move the earth.
~Archemedes
----------------------------------
"Absolute power corrupts absolutely." -Anon
----------------------------------
-Related quote-
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?" - Harry Shearer
----------------------------------
Our lives are based on what is reasonable and common sense;
Truth is apt to be neither. -Anon
----------------------------------
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. -George Burns- US actor & comedian (1896 - 1996)
----------------------------------
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. ~
Douglas Adams
----------------------------------
Redvsblue.com
"But you made one crucial mistake, you left me my spoon".
"No!"
"That's right, I ate my way out. The soft dirt was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me."
----------------------------------
PROFT
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute.... I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
--------------------------------------------
Useful Proft phrases for your career

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
-----------------------------------------
Dr. Thorpe: I don't want to be sued for libel, so I'm not going to come right out and use the words "ate a kid," but all I'm saying is that if you look into Roy Orbison's life a little you'll find out things that men shouldn't know.

(Somethingawful.com)
-----------------------------------------

Woof. That is a lot of quotes.

Feel free to contribute as you see fit.

Oh, and Happy New Year everyone!

I don't know....I get raised eyebrows and keen glances whenever I use it - maybe they think I'm David Beckham or something.

It works very well in diffusing situations as well - I usually dress sort of skater-ish style, which is somewhat offputting to people working at, say, Bed Bath and Beyond.

However, if I wander in, and say something along the lines of "'ello, I wuz just lookin' for somfin for me mum - its her birfday" - then I immediately recieve smiles and friendly gestures all around.

British People have it made. They know what's up.

I recently came into possession of a supremely powerful weapon. For years, I knew nothing of such a weapon, until I unwittingly unleashed it upon a poor and unsuspecting female.

It makes their desire for me insatiable. It drives them mad.

What is this weapon, you ask?

A British Accent. (A.B.A)

With A.B.A, the world is yours for the taking. Robbery, grand larceny, murder - all these are overcome by possessing A.B.A.

Suppose for a moment that you find yourself at a bar/party/funeral where you desire female attention. On the one hand, you could start out with a simple ice-breaker such as "My God these appetizers are fantastic! I simply MUST get Rob's recipe for this delectable Chex Mix!"

...or.....

You could plant some metaphoric C4 in their collective minds and blow them all away. Observe - A.B.A in action:

"'Ello man, 'ow ya doin'? I fink dat I've doid an gone to 'eaven, 'cuz I see an angel before me eyes! It's noffin' doin' man. This is a roight bloody trip, innit?"

...and so on and so forth.

It is out of control how much people love that accent. One could appear charming while wearing a cardboard box with dead rats stapled to it.

Simply say that you're from Bristol or Manchester, and roll wiv the punches.

But be careful. To quote from Spiderman: "With downplayed power comes fairly limited responsibility."

Truer words were never spoken. Or written. Or whatever.

Thanks. I'm an english major, so I suppose the writing just comes naturally.

The painful dating experiences? Now those are not natural.

One might even call them unnatural.

I thought I might let all of you, my loving peers/friends/partners in crime in on one of the worst/funniest/worst/funniest again experiences of my (relatively) young life.

Here's a little backstory:

I have been working at LOWE'S for almost 2 years now, and I would frequently go across the street to a restaurant (the name has been changed to protect the innocent) to order food on my lunchbreak.

One day, after frequenting the restaurant for some time, the head chef/waiter guy stopped me and told me that one of the girls that worked there thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me.

Now I have never been presented with this kind of situation in all my life (I.E. a woman asking me out, not vica versa), so I decided to be adventurous, and thought I might give it a shot. He gave me her name and number, and I was off, thoughts of potential-cuddling-and/or-movie-watching (or PCAOMW's) running through my head.

So I gave her a call, and arranged a meeting for the next afternoon.

-PREPARE FOR TRAUMA-

I picked her up at the aforementioned (or referenced, in this case) place, and proceeded to ask her about herself as I drove around aimlessly. (You know, rule #1 in dating 101 - "Drive around aimlessly while asking her about herself.") I was following that dating etiquette that I just made up, and all was well in the world.

...Until my questioning brought us to the discussion of age. She revealed to me that she was only seventeen years old, which nearly caused me to convulse violently and veer off the road into a roadsign.

To clarify:

I was dating a girl who was five years younger than me, which isn't a problem unless I'M 22, which I am. So: underaged minor chillin in my car with me.

Back to the story:

After she told me this interesting piece of information, I informed her that I was in fact twenty-two years old. Here's what she said (this is verbatim):

"Cool! You can buy me booze!"

...Now I don't drink in the first place (straightedge, long story), so that idea was quickly dismissed from my mind. The secondary element that dismissed said idea even more quickly from my mind was the fact that I could be arrested for being with a minor, let alone buying her alcohol. Yeesh.

Oh, it gets better.

Awkwardly, I changed the subject, and asked her what she wanted to do for our first date. She told me that she likes to go dumpster diving on a regular basis, and suggested that.

Here's a bit of clarification, for you non-dumpster-diving afficionados: Dumpster Diving consists of jumping into an open dumpster, digging through people's discarded trash, in the hopes of finding some cool ****. Yeah.

So, still retaining my adventurous mood (which was now bordering on mild insanity), I agreed to do this deed, for the sake of being able to tell someone that I have never met that I have dove into a dumpster. So, we drove around to a local grocery store, and drove around back to find the dumpster.

THANK GOD that the dumpsters we found were devoid of garbage, because as soon as we left the scene and pulled into the main road, a police officer appeared behind me and turned on his lights.

So he pulls me over, and tells me that there is no illegal dumping at the grocery store. He told me that illegal dumping was an offense (no **** - I guessed that from the fact that he called it 'illegal'), and asked us why we were back there. Now I'm not stupid, so I told him that we were simply lost and took a wrong turn. If I had told him "No, we weren't dumping trash, we were going to dig through it!" - then I would have been tasered and probably beated with a nightstick. Hell, if I said that, I'd taser myself.

So he grimaced and grunted something polician, and took my driver's license to run through his records.

I have to admit that the idea did run through my head to 'inform' the police officer that my female passenger was a crack-dealer, if only to get her the **** out of my car. Needless to say, the date wasn't going so well.

After he finished with his police mumbo-jumbo, he told me that if his office deemed it necessary, then I would recieve a ticket in the mail for my misfit nature. He drove off.

At this point in my planning, I had desired to go see a movie or eat food of some kind with my date, but I re-evaluated my situation, and decided to sever the date, and attempt to minimize whatever damage this madwoman still had in her mind**** arsenal.

As I drove her back to her car at the place we first met, she said THE most shocking thing that I have ever heard in my entire life, and I am not exaggerating.

(Be sure to take your shoes off, because when I tell you what she told me, then your socks will be blown off, and I don't want to damage your shoes. Shoes are expensive.)

...Ready, OK. Here's what she said, verbatim. I am NOT making this up:

"You know, I wonder if it would be considered statuitory rape since I'm only seventeen."

...What the **** MAN!

I decided then and there that I needed to get this jailbait outta my car as quickly as possible. In fact, she so effectively ****ed with my mind that I was incapable of deciferable speech for almost 3 minutes. I mean DAMN!

As I pulled up to her car, she told me what a fun time she had, and sat there patiently, waiting for me to kiss her goodbye.

Here's a fun quiz for you at home:

ELEMENTS OF THE DATE
--------------------------------------------------
1. Underage chick
+
2. Act which would leave you covered in garbage
+
3. Police involvement
+
4. Proposal (maybe?) to rape an underaged girl
=

A). Kiss her goodnight
or
B). Run! RUN! GET THE **** AWAY! PUT AN END TO HER EVIL WAYS BEFORE SHE CAN KILL AGAIN!

(The correct answer was "B". - 'Run! RUN! GET THE **** AWAY! PUT AN END TO HER EVIL WAYS BEFORE SHE CAN KILL AGAIN!')

I did NOT kiss her goodnight. Not one single fiber of my being was attracted to her garbage-loving ways. There was NO action going on in my pants. In fact, she may have paralyzed me in ways that would leave me useless to a woman. I dunno. It was mad ****ed up.

So that's the end of my tale. In an odd way, I'm glad that I had the experience, so that when my kids tell me of a bad date they went on, then I can shove them into a chair and SCHOOL them about true horror.

I am a giving sort, so I give this story to you, my companions. May you derive some laughter from my mind-numbing pain.

Here's to horrible dating experiences.

I can now say that I have looked into the face of madness.

And it smiled.

Early 20's present and accounted for.

Ah, who needs sleep anyway - I'l sleep when I'm dead.

Which won't be too long from now due to my dangerously low levels of sleep, but whatever.

How ironic!

But what? Nerds? I fully embrace my nerditude.

Have you ever played a videogame for so long that your hand hurts the next day?

Yeah. It's awesome.