u crack me up.lol
u an cooly

are you callin me stupid cooly

drunk...lol...

lmao.....sorry mikey

thank u honey

friendship among women:
A woman doesnt come home one night. The next day she tells her husband slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it

friendship among men:
A man doesnt come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slpet over at a friend's house. The woman calls the man's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over an 2 claim he's still there

yes honey i do

oooo..oooo...oooooooo....its bout to get hardcore..lover...lol
i hate u sometimes...but love u all the time..lol

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.

The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?"

The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want."

Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.

The patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, "Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from."

The Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.

The patrons screamed in utter disbelief, "Why'd you do that?"

The Boulderite replied, "I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!"

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but he manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and the man are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with him, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. One day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "If it will help."

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

ooooo HELL NO....baby its on...u cant show up ur girl...u know u love me...cuz i LOVE u...its on biznitch..lol

p.s get on yahoo

A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:

"Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

bet u r ...love ya

1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.


2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.


3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.


4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.


5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.


6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

u know it sweet thing!!!! where the **** u been im on a roll

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"

The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."

The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.


2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.


3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.


4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.


5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.

6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.


7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink
as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.


8. A cowboy does not pick his nose at the table, unless it will help him breath better or eliminate a whistle that otherwise might become annoying to the ladies.


9. A cowboy does not scratch his groin, his armpits, or suck on the ends of his mustache, when a lady is near.


10. A cowboy does not swear or make reference to bodily functions, in the presence of a lady.


11. A cowboy must not sneeze at the table. If a strong need arises that cannot be resisted, he will turn his head away from the lady, so she won't be sprayed and perhaps be struck by a stray booger.


12. A cowboy does not noisily slurp his coffee in the presence of a lady. Instead, he should hold the saucer steady with both
hands, tip it toward his mouth, and slurp silently.


13. A cowboy does not fart in the presence of a lady... not even silently. If he does, it might stink, and she may smell it and possibly think that he is not actually a gentleman.


14. A cowboy will grasp a lady's elbow to help her onto a horse or into a carriage. He should never, ever push on her derriere
to give her a boost, because she might kick his teeth out, unless she works in the saloon.