Big Hugs for you!

make believe


it's all just make believe
love has never been real

it's an optical illusion
I will see what isn't there

I breath deep the scent of you
you leave and it lingers still

it's a laugh track
you say what I want to hear

I taste your sweet lips
but I swallow a bitter pill

and, like with any drug
I cannot trust what I feel

because it's just make believe
love is not real

JRD 1-20-2011

I can feel your pain in this one.... so moving. Love it!!

Joanie

Always a pleasure to read your stuff. Especially like this one!! You always move me!

Joanie

angry


I don't love you, never loved you
but I did care
now I'm just angry
angry that you refuse to communicate
angry that you not communicating caused this
angry that you called me a liar
angry that you don't trust me
angry that you felt the need to check up on me
angry that you wouldn't open the door
angry that you won't talk to me face to face
angry that I made a fool of myself
angry that you are a coward
angry because when we stumbled you turned and ran
angry that I cared for a boy not a man
you never gave us a chance
I don't love you, never loved you
but I did care...

This absolutely captures how "we" feel in those moments... with someone new. When "we" think, hope that this is right. Beautiful!

Joanie

Wow! I really like this one. My stuff tends to be dark... maybe that's why. I'll definitely keep reading your stuff!

Joanie

Wow! I really like this one. My stuff tends to be dark... maybe that's why. I'll definitely keep reading your stuff!

Joanie

Thank you

She was tired. She tried to hold it up, but her life had come tumbling down. She fell. And, like Alice down the rabbit hole, she just kept falling. When she finally reached bottom, she didn’t recognize where she was. She didn’t know how she got there. She didn’t recognize who she had become. She was the one who always kept it together. The one who took the high road, except on a few very rare occasions. She was the strong one,the care giver. She took care of it all, made sure everyone else was comfortable. Somewhere along the way she had stopped caring for herself, lost herself. She didn’t like who she was anymore. Wondered if she had time to find herself. She was tired. If she could sleep maybe things would become clearer. Never enough sleep. She wanted to sleep and not wake up to this mess. “God please just take me” she prayed. She did not want to hurt her family and friends. Every day she kept thinking “I cannot do this…it will hurt my kids too much, my parents will not understand” Until, finally, even those thoughts could not stop her. She could no longer endure the pain. She went to bed took the pills and went to sleep. She left no note. She felt no need to explain. It was obvious. Wasn’t it? She doesn’t remember waking up, or most of that day. Emergency room, doctors, upset family. She begged to be admitted. They sent her home. And, she slept. When she woke up with a headache and bruised, she was told she had taken two spills before anyone realized what she had done. And, feeling more of a failure than ever, the real work would begin. A psychologist weekly and psychiatrist monthly. And, a plan to get her life back began to take shape. And, her family gathered around to protect her. She moved in with her Dad and began to heal. She began pouring out her soul to a machine. She began eating better, and exercising. She began listening to music again. Every day she gets a little more of herself back. And she keeps working on becoming the person she wants to be. She is ready to be selfish. To respect herself. She worries less about the future and is happy with today. And she thanks God for not answering those pleas, but instead bringing her home.

I want a place of my own. A small place full of light. A cheap studio or one bedroom place in a good neighborhood. A place where I can come and go without worrying about anybody else. Somewhere I can be alone. Somewhere to have a dinner party. Somewhere my dad doesn’t interrupt with the score, or the news while I am writing. Where I can listen to the music I like, watch what I want on TV, or sit in the quiet. Somewhere I can run from the bathroom to the bedroom naked after a shower.

I want a car. Not a sports car. Not a van or family wagon. Not a muscle car or a classic car. Not a status symbol. A car. Something reliable. Something to get from point A to point B. Something with good gas mileage. A car so that I can go where I want, when I want. So I can make plans on the spur of the moment and go. So when I want to get out of my own place, I can. I don’t want to rely on anyone for a ride or to borrow my Dad’s car.

I want to no longer be lonely. I want to reconnect with friends I haven’t seen in twenty odd years because I have been out of state most of that time. Busy with boyfriends, husbands, and children. Busy with my own foolishness. I want a girls night out. Drinks or brunch with my mom and sisters. Craziness with old friends, catching up or just having fun. Girlfriends to laugh with and confide in.

I want a friend. A guy friend. Not a boyfriend, relationship, romance, fiancé or marriage. A guy friend. Someone to talk to about books, music, film, sports. Someone who will share the pain of another season watching the Cubs lose. Or, go to a movie…you choose this time, me the next. Someone to go out to dinner with, share a glass of wine with. Someone to sit with and read the Sunday paper, or watch the game. I don’t want to hear about the woman you are still hung up on. I don’t want to hear about your problems at work. I don’t want to pay your way. I can and will pay my own. I don’t want or need another addict in my life.

I want to continue therapy until Labor Day, before I have to start looking for a “real” job. I want give my broken soul time to heal. To remember how to love myself. To remind my children that I love them. To express to them how sorry I am for any pain I caused them. For them to understand the decisions I made seemed like the right ones at the time. To thank my parents for all their help. For not giving up on me, even when it would have been easy. To thank my siblings for biting their tongues more often than not, which I am sure was not easy. But for speaking up when it seemed necessary. I love you all.

I want to be happy again. To find that part of me that I like. So I can share it again. I want this yesterday. But I know I have to be patient. So I will keep up the soul searching. Continue pouring out on “paper” that which fills my mind. Posting the crap, and the truth. The good and the ugly. I will cry when I am feeling sorry for myself and laugh on the good days. And I will keep trying.

We have all heard it said, “They have an intimate relationship.” Or, “They have been intimate.” But do they, have they? Intimacy is not achieved through sex. Sex can be intimate, but is not inherently intimate. Intimacy is achieved through trust and honesty. You must relinquish your fear and allow someone to know what’s in your mind, heart, and soul. You must accept someone as they are, including their flaws. You must be able to forgive the sins of your partner, and trust they will forgive yours. Only then is true intimacy achieved. I feel cheated. I have been in a twenty year relationship with someone who was never able to trust me. I always thought how sad that he cannot trust. It wasn’t until recently that I realized he refused to trust me. Although I never did anything to make him distrust me, he kept us from being truly intimate.

you don't need Morgan Freeman's voice, or anyone else's... it means much more coming straight from the poet's mouth. You truly are my inspiration. I can only hope to write as well... one day. big hug for you kc from jdr

ps: if you are interested, you can record one of mine anytime! lol

incredible, honest, amazing.... you inspire me, as I strive to become a better writer and to believe that someone out there get's something from reading my ramblings. thank you

Rough draft my ***.... it's perfect!

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant."
- Socrates, Greek Philosopher

　
It would have started with hair pulling and chasing each other on the playground had they met in elementary school. In junior high he tried to look cool to impress the shy, insecure girl. She teased the awkward, gangly boy. In high school they ran in different circles. There was the occasional hello or nod in the hallways, and once a ride home. Several years later they ran into each other and began to date. They were too young for anything serious. They continued to see other people. But they really enjoyed each other. They spent time with each others families. He treated her daughter like his own. Holidays were spent together. And it slowly turned into an exclusive relationship. He broadened her horizons. She learned about music from him. She learned a lot about herself from him. She hoped he gained something from the relationship too. They lived together for a while but neither was ready for that kind of commitment. They were still too young. The funny thing is they remained friends. Even went out on occasion. Twenty odd years has passed and they are still friends. Keeping in touch with phone calls and Christmas cards, emails and online. She calls him when she needs advice or to vent. He calls when he gets a new job or a new girl. They are the best of friends, and honest with each other as only true friends can be. They are constant.

You needed someone to help you thru

And the lies you told were so smooth

I was different from all the others

We were meant only for each other

So how did you choose me to ease your pain

And why did I let my guard down so easily

And where did you learn to play this game

And when will my pride be regained

Your eyes looked right into my soul

Your words distracted, my heart you stole

So I am classier and I’m platinum

Well I feel gullible and I feel dumb

So how did you choose me to ease your pain

And why did I let my guard down so easily

And where did you learn to play this game

And when will my pride be regained

You paraded me around and I met your friends

Now I can’t go anywhere without running into them

We hung out at the pub and the best place in town

We went on a holiday then you let me down

So how did you choose me to ease your pain

And why did I let my guard down so easily

And where did you learn to play this game

And when will my pride be regained

So now you want to be my friend, not for it to be the end

And I’m suppose to be ok and I’m not suppose to show my pain

And now you play the game with someone new

And I am suppose to smile when I look at you

At night while they get to kiss and caress you

I lay awake crying silent tears missing you

So how did you choose me to ease your pain

And why did I let my guard down so easily

And where did you learn to play this game

And when will my pride be regained

Lyrics by JD - Music by Steve Shabala copyrighted 7/27/2010

Was never going to be a mother, had a bigger and better plan

I loved your father, but he’s a troubled soul so forgive him if you can

Wasn’t raising you with cocaine on the table and roaches in ashtrays

Held you in my arms as the smoke cleared and was able to see through the haze

it’s the light that takes me over

it’s the light that sets me free

it’s the light of life that’s inside of me

I left to make a better life for us, I did the best that I could do

He left, we never saw him again, I was too good for him, so are you

Got the job, ‘cause I got the degree, got the support of my family

Going to show everyone all I need is you and all you need is me

it’s the light that takes me over

it’s the light that sets me free

it’s the light of life that’s inside of me

I have a secret, you are the best mistake I ever made

You are much stronger and more beautiful than any plans I could’ve laid

You grew into such a smart and funny child, and precocious as they come

I know I was often tough on you, it’s me you needed to escape from

And you went away and saw hard times too but you succeeded in the end

Your are my pride and joy, you are my heart and soul, and now you are my friend

it’s the light that takes me over

it’s the light that sets me free

it’s the light of life that’s inside of me

You're the light of life that shines inside of me

Lyrics JRD - Music Steve Shabala copyright 7/27/2010

Thank you...

what's wrong with you
why not just tell me what's on your mind
why don't you believe me
you can't hurt me with the truth
I've never lied to you
I'm honest in words and deeds
I've kept our secrets to myself
yet you insist on cold silence
when I question your intentions
why do you only evade
I must know our friendship will endure
when we find the one's we're waiting for
why can't you understand the fear
I might misinterpret and cause you pain
I will always want happiness for you
so why don't you believe me
you can't hurt me with the truth