Poor little doggie.

KNOBSTINGER & THE MYSTERIOUS DRAPERY: A TALE OF PASTA







Once upon a time in a magical land there lived a young apprentice known as Hamster Basher. Hamster Basher was the fifth son of Yam Basher, who made a modest living bashing yams in the fields for the the king. They were a poor family and had little to spend on luxuries, so it had been a joyous occasion when his twin brother Hamster Thumper had returned with the news that the two of them had been chosen to apprentice a fierce gladiator that was renowned through all the lands.

The two young brothers had been in awe of the Carbohydrate Warrior for many years, and often spent what little money they could save on tickets to see him perform acts of bravery and daring within the walls of the arena that the king had erected to house his talented fighters. However, all was not meant to be.

In the third year of their apprenticeship, the Carbohydrate Warrior had been callously murdered by a vicious band of Noodle Burglars that had been sneakily following them on their way to the arena for the next fight. Hamster Basher and his brother had been trying to get the wheel of the cart out of a rut, and hadn't noticed that their Master had gotten too far ahead of them. Sadly, they couldn't stop the inevitable, and the Carbohydrate Warrior's starch levels dropped far too low for them to save him.


"Avenge my death, little Hamsters..." he croaked, pressing his sword into the arms of Hamster Basher. "Take this, and with it slay my enemy who dared to take my life. His name is Knobstinger, and he-...he-..." the aging knight gasped for air.

"Yes, Master?" Thumper pushed; the two of them leaning close to hear the warrior's final words.

"I fear...he has stung my knob for the last time, my loyal apprentices. But you are not ready to take on such a foe. You have much to learn." he patted Thumper weakly upon the shoulder while Basher cradled the dying master. "Small furry creatures stand no chance in your path, but Knobstinger was once a Vermicelli Knight, right here in Pastaville!"

Hamster Basher's face scrunched itself into a tortured grimace as a foamy white froth spilled from his master's lips like an overboiled pot of water. He wiped it away with his sleeve. "But Master, how are we to obtain such training, and from where? It was YOU that taught us all that we know."

"Don't fear, Basher. I believe there is someone that can help you...You need to travel to a land far from here. It is a perilous journey fraught with danger, but I have the greatest confidence in you two. Find the Tarragon Lady...SHE can-...she will-...she knows-....The Mysterious Drapery...."


And with that, the Carbohydrate Warrior was gone. Knowing that their master was a religious man, they offered a prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster before burying him by the roadside. There was nothing more that they could do. The two brothers looked to each other with the grief of their loss clearly written in their eyes.

"Come on, Thumper. I'm not letting that Knobstinger get away with this!" buckling the sword around his waist, Basher clenched his meaty fists and stomped off.

"I hope you know what we're getting ourselves into, little brother..." Thumper muttered, shaking his head as he jogged to catch up with him.

Revised Author List:

Me
pkd1220
MzzJones
rara777

Are you going to play, Rara?

I finished school years ago. I just think this might be fun. Usually I write all my own stories. I used to play this game with pictures. You'd draw a head, fold the paper over and let someone draw the body, fold it again and someone else draws the feet. The aim is to make it look quirky.

So I thought it might be fun to try it with writing instead.

Awesome.

So our author list is as follows...


Me
pkd1220
MzzJones

Plot? Sounds like what I need on my other post about collective story writing.

-Nudges Ruth innocently.-

Not really what I was going for there, Rara. Like I said. I'll start us off, and it'll be a story rather than a poem.

I listen to what my body tells me to stay away from all the time. Alcohol, men, vegans...


Hm, I think we have gotten a little...

One of my longer ones.

I'm a super lightweight when it comes to alcohol. The bottleneck of a Strongbow, a few sips of wine, or a bottle of Toohey's Extra Dry is enough for me and I end up going cross eyed.

I really can't handle alcohol. I don't know what it is, but it ends up really overheating me to the point where I start sweating (even after those small amounts) and making my legs and back ache. Sometimes I even end up getting a stomachache after I finish that Strongbow. It feels like a panic attack, PMS and thyroid dysfunction all put together.

I guess it's a good thing that alcohol tastes horrible, so I don't like drinking it anyway. That's probably why I'm the bar security instead of the one needing to get thrown out.

Alcohol: The cause and solution to most of life's problems.

That's the whole joke. Eggs like the ones we eat and eggs like things your ovaries make.

Puns. I have them.

I just had a great idea. How about we all engage in a bit of collective storytelling? The aim of the game is for multiple authors to write a chapter each of the story. You can put your own plot twists in, add your own characters, make it funny, sad or just plain crazy.

I'll start us off, but firstly we need an author list of those who are willing to help create this possibly insanity-ridden piece of literary art so that we don't get confused about who is posting what and when. If you are interested, please send me a message and I'll put together an author list.

And don't think that once the author list has been posted that those are the only ones that can add a chapter. If someone else wishes to join in, then simply message me and I'll post a revised author list that people must then follow.

And when the story is complete, I'll ask a moderator to move it to the Poems and Creative Writing section.


So...who wants in?

The preciousssss....lesbianssssss....

I sing a song of sixpence
With my pockets full of rye
Four and twenty pirate ships
All sailing in a line.

I shall bet thou a sixpence,
Or maybe even more,
As thou knowest, after tonight
Thou shalt not need it anymore.

I'll pay a penny for their thoughts
A piece of eight for thine,
And I shall bet, my dearest friend,
They'll raid our town so fine.

Take thy sticks and take thy spears,
And hide those men of aging years.
Lock up thy children and thy wives,
It's likely that we'll lose our lives.

Prepare thyselves for the worst
When bridges burn and dams do burst.
Thine unseen form will watch the plunder
As our village burns while torn asunder.

How, O Lord, do we fend this off
When all we have is a weakened cough?
If thee shall scale the village walls
We shalt be dead by the time thee falls.

Pray to the Lord; the Father above
Kiss thy children and give them love.
Bow down now and kiss the soil
Where once were crops now blood will boil.

We see them now and they dock their ships
And we'll be put in chains and whipped.
They will bring the cat-o-nine
And flay the flesh from this back of mine.

Icy shards of dripping rain
Shall make advantage hard to gain.
Beneath our feet lies muddy silt
Aye, I feel the courage wilt.

And here they come now up the beach
They will soon be in our reach.
Put down thy spears, give up thy daughter
Maybe they will give us quarter.

For they shall have our beds tonight
Our wives are theirs just for one night
Welcome to our lands, we'll say
Have her once, then go away.

We've survived a hounding once before
When Kings' Guard knocked down our door.
Ye and ye get out the wine
To welcome pirates to our town so fine.

Please be good and please don't worry
As they approach through mud and slurry.
I see their swords shine in the light
Please, O Lord, just one more night.

This is it boys; our only chance
Open thy arms or start thy war dance.
Their eyes stared forward in darkened sable
Hands clutched the spears as best as able.

Here they come in droves aplenty
Maybe ten or maybe twenty.
As they drew closer I saw their swords
But as of yet there were no words.

Clad in assortments of different leather
The pirates approached through patches of heather.
At the front of the pack stalked a woman in scarlet
Surely she must have beest a harlot.

Nay, she said. I am not such.
Watch thy tongue; I don't like thee much.
Over her shoulder I saw the black flag
Die with the wind and begin to sag.

Please have mercy in a town of so few
We may be landlubbers but ye have thy deep blue.
If it's money ye want then we'll gladly give.
Here is six pence if it will help us to live.

I held out the coins to the woman in red
They clinked in my palm and here's what she said.
Keep thy coins, for they are so few
We merely need a rest from our deep blue.

O Lord, our saviour, they just need a rest
Take them to taverns where ale is best
They may cause trouble, and start a fight
But please don't stop them; we'll live one more night.

Across the table with a look that was dour
The woman in red then asked for the hour.
Well, I said, it's a quarter past one
Why, good Captain? Aren't ye having any fun?

I am no captain, but I am First Mate.
I wanted to know, as the hour felt late.
Oh, I said, and gave her a grin
So would knowing thy name constitute as a sin?

It was a long while before she replied
Get another ale and I'll tell thee, she sighed.
So I got her another and sat down her drink
And for a while she seemed to think.

Like I have said, not Captain; First Mate
My name is Lily and thy town I shall take.
Her lips were a smirk; she thought it a lark
That she and her men would take a town in the dark.

O Dear Lord, how can this be?
We offered our service and our ale to thee!
Don't worry, young man, thy life we will spare.
But the rest of the town will suffer despair.

Their homes we will raid and then set alight
We'll pilfer and plunder, and have fun all night.
But if ye call out and ruin my plan
I'll cut off thy parts; you'll not be a man.

Threatening me with a bone-handled knife
That First Mate made sure that I feared for my life.
Holding my breath and holding it tight
I knew I would never forget this night.

Then she advanced and I backed up so fast
But the man behind me was built like a mast
Solid and sturdy he would not give way
So I had to listen, to what First Mate would say.

Clutching her knife; I did not want this
But I was surprised when she gave me a kiss
Listen up good and listen to me
Thou shalt makest a good pirate, little Marty.

She gave me a smirk and ruffled my hair
Before whisking me outside in the cold salty air
Thick with the stench of acrid black smoke
She led me to the ship; this was not a joke.

As we walked I watched pirates raid
With no one to come to our little town's aid.
When they were done not a woman was spared
Raped in their homes and nobody cared.

Money was stolen and houses were burned
A lesson, she said, is what I had learned.
About the life of a pirate and the life of the sea
And she said proudly, one day that shall be thee.

As I watched, tears stung at my eyes
But then once again, once more a surprise.
In a moment of kindness she offered her breast
And let me cry for my home on her scarlet chest.


------

One of my pirate-related poems based around my roleplay character First Mate Lily,

Yeah, well...I don't like my eggs fertilized first thing in the morning. =/

Yeah, I was getting some new pictures of me outside, because my room is too dark. It was fine for a while, but I'm tiny and have no fat on me, and with thyroid problems it makes it difficult to regulate your body temperature. Add onto the fact that I was wearing a babydoll t-shirt and bad circulation, and I get both hot and cold really easily. I went back inside and took it all off immediately because it was too warm.


I have to be careful about those chicks. They might just be after my Cheerios.

My cat likes to make me gaze into his chocolate starfish as if he's a kaleidoscope, because he climbs all over my desk in front of me while I'm trying to read the screen.

Alright. I can handle 60/40. I'm too paranoid a bi girl would decide she liked men more. For some reason, the idea of someone cheating on me with a member of the opposite sex seems more offensive than cheating with the same sex. Dunno why.

I'm probably too much of a Dykasaurus Rex. Don't be threatenin' MY masculinity! I wear the pants in this relationship! Make me a sandwich and other moderately offensive phrases!