Dal, thanks, I understand what you're saying but (not to get into a religious debate)

1- There has to be more. He made Adam and said it wasn't good for him to remain alone. I have (had) a relationship with God but (pray I don't get struck down!) we need more. Logically if we believe Him to be truly omnipotent, and fully capable of seeing His plans through then. . .

2- Perhaps (please no one take this to heart for themselves)His plan for me is to be this way. Even master chess players sacrifice pieces for the greater victory.
Going to leave that one there - it's a hard pill to swallow at first, and some that can still be helped may find it to be too much to work with. But I've been down many roads, thought many thoughts, and the logic of that one is clear.

There is I think, a time to rationally call it quits I think. Not necassarily in a depressed state. Sometimes, like someone beaten constantly a steady malaise sometimes takes the place of agony. In that state it becomes logical to stop resisting and find the peace of final escape.

Two early comments spoke of being stereotyped because of appearance, financial situation, etc, and how debilitating it is when you are abandoned/shunned by all.

'Hang in there', 'give it time', 'they don't deserve you', 'things will get better', 'man up(my god how insensitive some can be!)', and the like simply don't help any more when you've been hanging on desperately, gave it time and time again, things get better for smaller periods and much worse in greater quantity and for longer stretches. When if being a man means not letting things bother me - I must not be man enough, adding again to the I'm not worthy list.

I have made two previous attempts to stop the madness and failed (couldn't even get that right!) Both times were reactions to depression caused by angst about a specific person.

I think I will succeed the next time because I will not be upset or under the influence of a distraught state of mind but calmly, rationally and with conviction of it as the best option, I will go calmly into the night.

I almost forgot where I was going with this and why I was responding. Just, I think to say that every problem can't be fixed. That like some of our kin creatures it may be part of the natural order to allow the duty bound feeble (no offense to anyone) to march off to their end.

Aint no mountain high enough
Aint no valley low enough
Aint no river wild enough
To keep me from you

Wow, didn't know I spilled so much! Good thing everyones asleep or maybe fell asleep to the sound of violins!

the all too often heard pc response: i don't care about looks, what's important to me is a persons personality, honesty, how they make me feel, someone who is caring, understanding, patient, loving, can admit when they're wrong, will share their feelings, yaddada, yaddada . . .

while the real life facts seem to be that most people (note I didn't just say women) great looks, body that says I will sex you long time, all the time, 6 pack, knockout boobs/knockdown biceps,long on the pillow hair, what else... oh cute butt/tight buns . . .

I haven't even started on the material posessions or the nice guy/girl, bad boy/sex kitten conflicting phenom.

If I sound bitter, I'm not (?), confused to the point of near frustration-probably, fighting depressive thoughts-daily, . . .

I am a man that stops for flowers just because it strikes me how much my lady means to me, her favorite candy bar on her desk after an argument followed by an apology for what it could do to our world, takes the lil ones out just to get out of her hair when she's having a bad day, washes the clothes (if sh'll fold 'em :)), calls home between clients and as soon as I leave work because she is the bright spot in my day.

In the last 11 3/4 years I've spent 9 in a relationship, 1 trying to win her back while losing self-esteem, dark hair and teeth(kiss of death there), weight from being so distraught that I didn't take care of myself, another year failing at being a human being again, and the last 8mths on dating sites.

I've probably reached out to a couple thousand women. Polite, ice breaker emails have gone simply unanswered. Not posting photos (seeking an inside out learning as the primary attraction - and yes concerned for rejection - but hey, my last relationship started with 6 months of convo before we ever exchanged pics!)was met with one line accusations of 'hiding', "creepin'", "don't write me ever again until you post a pic!", etc. Others talked incessantly about their things, how great their ex's were because they drove this or that

The handful of time a connection seemed brewing and I did finally agree to meet - many had not been honest about their appearance (a lie is a lie, is a lie, and yes with two exceptions I told everyone about my personal phys concerns). Twice I truly felt something brewing and after the first 'date' (don't like the pretense and tension of those things!)during which I was a relaxed, witty, gentleman, opened doors, brought a single white rose (respect), kept my hands to myself (mostly), and called the next day to say I had a great time.

Cut to the chase- I'm still single - -

Sorry, you all seem so witty . . . I'm dragging myself down, not that I have that far to go!

Had to get that off I guess as I try to face another day, just want to understand . . . I have (had??) so much to give. . .

What do woman REALLY want?