The Dali Lama
Dave Barry
John Cleese
Neal Stephenson
Brian Greene
Lots of guys!

Good evening, I would like to obtain a license for my pet halibut.
This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to
meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you
hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is
metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and
joined the bleedin' choir invisibile! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
Look, I'm going to ask you again if you have any cheese, and if you say,
"no", I'm going to shoot you in the head.
If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones, the engine must be our head,
the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle
truck our shins, the first-class compartment the piece of skin at the
nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon.
The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity?
It's over there in a box.
Shunt is saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the
8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered.
Ecce homo, ergo elk.
La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is
taken, the beast is moulting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion
is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is
the only truth.
But is the truth, as Hitch**** observes, in the box? No there isn't
room, the ambiguity has put on weight.
With many apologies to John Cleese.
And that's all I have to say about that.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large
I contain multitudes." ... "I shall sound my barbaric yawp over the
rooftops of the world." - Walt Whitman

I love this life, but I hate the aftertaste. Like waking from a dream
with someone's fingers in your mouth.

"When you're in the right, you can afford not to lose your temper. When
you're in the wrong, you can't afford to lose it." - Gandhi

"Answering violence with violence only multiplies violence, adding
deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars." - M.L.K. Jr.

"Don't Panic" - Douglas Adams

"Work is the curse of the drinking man." - Usually attributed to Oscar
Wilde

"When I get a little money, I buy books. If there's anything left over,
I buy food and clothes." - Erasmus

God, there are so many!

When I walk through the forest the birds all stop singing. I know
they're talking about me. They're just scared to do it to my face ...

Don't be ridiculous, Tulip, that's not what I meant at all. My point
was that everyone SHOULD be saying that they're hot. And that for those
who are a little insecure (myself included) the exercise is just that
much more important!

OK, well, fair enough then. I can understand the impetus. I might
belong to a religion if there were any I'd allow to represent me!

Lol. Really, Tulip? Do you belong to any clubs or organizations of any
kind?

Lol. Shout out! Let's hear it all you insecure people! I wanna hear you
say you're hot!

It seems that so often we define ourselves in accordance with, or in
opposition to, titles, be it geek or preppie, slut or frigid, Catholic
or Satanist. The titles which we hate do as much to shape our character
as the titles we choose to describe or allow to describe us. Me, I'm
still trying to popularize my new meme of male sexuality: short, light,
and wordy. What titles do you proudly wear or despise?

Bibby - sorry - was just monitoring the thread until the short jokes got
a little thick on the ground.
<---- a little oversensitive sometimes

DarkSpartan - that's true. But then everyone has something. As it
happens I'm also cute, cut, bright, sweet, trained (a little) in
massage, and a damned good cook! My point being - he could have been
4'3" or 6'9", the only really damning thing about him was his attitude.
Start slinging mocking statements about body types around, and you never
know who might get hit!

Just so long as we're agreeing that he's funny because he's a dip**** -
not 'cause he's short!

Ummm... a cab? Or is that too obvious?

Hey now, DarkSpartan, let's not go throwing stones at random, here.
After all, I'm 5'6" myself.

Just for fun - a few facts about short men:

We live longer (blood flow, circulation, and organ health are all better
in short men. Less distance for your circulatory system to cover.)

We're proportionately stronger (lift = weight x distance!)

Our joints almost never give out

and the number one fact about short men -
We don't look down on people!

Just some food for thought.

Nice, she must be nice. I'm just never going to try anything if she's
not friendly.

Yep, it's called The Spanish Prisoner, and it's a scam that dates back
at least as far as the 1700s. Originally the line was that there was a
Spanish princess who was trapped with her fortunre in Spain. The man who
put up the money to "free" her gets the girl and the money. As you can
see, it hasn't changed much.

The Pimp's Song (Sung to the tune of The Chimneysweep's Song from Mary
Poppins)

Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
A woman's as lucky
As lucky can be

Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will rub off when
She goes home with you
Or you stay in the car
And then that's lucky too!

Now as the glass ceiling of life
'As been hung
You may think a woman's
The bottommost rung

Though we underpay them
And give them the boot
Every man in this world
Has a woman at root

And up where their hairs are
All billered and curled
'Tween pavement and shoulders
Lives every man's world

There's not enough daytime
There's not enough night
They look good in shadow
And look good in light
A woman, sans clothing
Coo, what a sight!

I choose me ladies with pride
Yes, I do
While she checks out my shaft
I'm inspecting her flume!

Though I'm covered with women
From me 'ead to me toes
A pimp knows 'e's welcome
Wherever 'e goes

Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
When you're with a girl
You're in glad company

No where is there
A more 'appier crew
Than them wot have ladies
That want their sex too

Chim chiminee, chim chiminee
Chim chim cher-oo!
Good luck will be yours when she goes home with you
Chim chiminee, chim chiminee
Chim chim cher-a!
Good luck will rub off when she takes off her bra
Chim chiminee, chim chiminee
Chim chim cher-ay!
And if you get lucky then she'll want to play
Chim chiminee, chim chiminee
Chim chim cher-oo!
Or else she'll suck your ____ and then that's lucky too!

I miss all of my exes in different ways. Most of us have stayed
friends, and there was always something that attracted me to them in the
first place. Only two were hard to get over. I couldn't even stand to
be around my first love for years, though now that she's married and has
kids it's a lot easier. In general, I feel blessed that mostly we've
all stayed friends. And that I get occasional benefits.