hot and sticky...in my pants

I never go out on days that end in "Y"

salsa = dancing

zero = airplane

Whoaaa! Whats that?....in my pants

cleaner = needone

I know I cheated!

support = hose

mr sandman

thighs

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...in my pants

If someone said one of those to me, (except for the oink oink one) I would probably laugh and send them on their way.

A good joke or one-liner usually gets you out of a ticket with me. LOL!

Excuse me but I resemble those remarks!

LOL!

the doctor says he's never seen a skin condition like mine

Thanks for the advice NOW Dooby!

On my list of things to do, seeing you is at the bottom

"I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out."

OUCH!!! I would rather pass on that test if you don't mind!

I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

This is a true story. Hope you enjoy at MY expense.

I was in the mood for a GREAT patty melt so I drove over to the Waffle House tonight to eat. I ordered the double TEXAS patty melt with hash browns, smothered and a $1 waffle. Yeah, that's some good eating, huh?

Behind me were two old ladies talking and enjoying themselves as any two old ladies could. They were laughing and having a good time.

THEN THEY LEFT!

I got my order and started chowing down while my waitress went to clean off the table behind me where the two old ladies were sitting. Then all of a sudden, I could hear the panic in her voice when she called for another waitress to "Come here, NOW!"
Both waitresses sat down in the booth and started talking to one another. One said "What's that?" The other said "OMG, I don't know, but I am not going to touch it."
One of the waitresses said, should I pick it up? By this time, I was trying to get my food down before I found out what the heck they were talking about. There was no way I was going to turn around and check it out until I was done eating. They just kept on about it all the while I am cramming down my food as fast as I could before another comment came out. I started humming the song "Banana Phone" to keep my mind off of it.

In my mind, I was thinking, man what have they found? They didn't want to touch it, so it could not have been a ring or keys. Was it a ball of snot? No, surely they have seen that before. Maybe it was a piece of lung one of them hacked up? Maybe a finger or toe? Trying my best to think pleasant thoughts while finishing my dinner.

Then one of the waitresses said pick it up with a napkin and put it in that. The other said okay and then she said I will put a rubber band around it and save it in case they come back.

Alright, that did it. I was full anyway, so I turned around and said "What in the heck are you two talking about?" My waitress responded by saying "Do you know what that is?" So I peer into the napkin she is holding and see some plastic with food wrapped around it. I told her I have no idea, but I can call the CSI in and let them look at it jokingly. We all laughed, SORT OF! We talked some about it and guessed it was a plastic retainer or something with egg and cheese on it. YUCK!

The waitress took it and wrapped it up in a napkin, put the rubber band around it and put it in the office. I only wonder how long it would take that old lady to figure out she lost something from her mouth. Sheesh!

Anyway, got that done, drank another glass of tea to wash down and help keep down the food I had eaten, paid and headed back home.

THEN I GOT HOME!

I walked in the front door of my house and the first thing I see is something sprawled out lounging on the floor while all my dogs were jumping and barking, happy to see DAD home again. I turn the main light on in the living room and yell - "What in the hell is that on the floor?" Of course, by this time there was not a dog in sight. I walk closer and I recognize a squirrel, laying on it's back, DEAD! I pick it up by the tail and walk out to the woods with it and give it a toss. Then it hits a branch in front of me and bounces back and hits me in the head. OMG! I pick it up again and throw the thing out into the woods again and finally succeed.

So now I am thinking now what is going to happen after eating?

So I walk back into the house. Then I start to smell something. I know what that is, no, it is not the squirrel, it is DOG CRAP! I stepped in DOG CRAP outside and walked in on the carpet with it on my shoe. OMG! I have finally lost it! I can't take anymore! Ranting and raving, I take my shoes off and find the correct culprit shoe and put it over the sink and clean it off - all the while raising hell, I tell you! I then go get the carpet shampooer and start doing my duty of cleaning the carpet where I tracked the DOG POOP in!

Finally I change and get relaxed and begin laughing. All the dogs start coming out of their hiding places and slowly creep up to me asking me if it is okay now. Yeah, it is okay now - NOT!