Three mice are sitting around drinking at a mouse bar and start talking in their squeaky voices about how tough they each are.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says: "I'm so tough, every morning I wake up and go around the house, take the cheese from the mousetraps, and bust out 50-100 reps on each one."

Second mouse says: "Ahh, that's nothing," slams a shot, and proceeds, "I'm so tough that every morning, I go around the house and collect all the rat poison pellets and crumble them up and sprinkle that **** on my breakfast cereal."

The third mouse just sits there quietly, drinks his shot, then starts to leave. The other two look at him and pry: "Well, what about you? Not tough enough to hang with us?"

The third mouse casually replies: "I don't have time for these childish games. I have to get home and f**k the cat."

Three ducks walk into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. I've been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. I've been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie? "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

Yo mama so cross eyed, when she cries tears roll down her back.

What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of a desert highway and a dead lawyer in the middle of a desert highway?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Ha! That was worth the read!