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| Topic: Friends With The Kids | |
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Ok...so you get along with her/his kids.
You want to build trust with them and them to think you're cool and that they can confide in you. You actually think they are very cool. After all, they are the offspring of someone you admire very much.... but..... You have to *not set", but maintain certain boundaries that (your best friend) has set. You don't want to undermine ..any....... ........rules....(if younger kids) ......value system....(if older) but they are cool - and should be treated consistently - no matter where you and your love interest (with baggage) is at. It's SO tricky.....no matter if you are just starting out, trying to make it work, or after it hasn't. (Myself....dealing with college age "surrogate" kids) Other peoples kids whom you happen to adore...it's just HARD! |
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i never let anyone i'm dating/seeing meet my children...my family life and personal life are separate
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Edited by
Jess642
on
Sat 03/08/08 12:21 AM
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It is not!
Develop your own relationship with them, and just refer to whatever Mum set as boundaries when speaking to them.... like.."I am sure your Mum wouldn't find that ok.." If you want the kids to think you are cool, you are trying too hard... You either are cool, or you aren't. Kids are black and white... be you, and let them be them, and eventually everyone finds common ground.  |
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i never let anyone i'm dating/seeing meet my children...my family life and personal life are separate to start....certainly smart!! but when you start opening your life to someone.......? |
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i never let anyone i'm dating/seeing meet my children...my family life and personal life are separate to start....certainly smart!! but when you start opening your life to someone.......? nope...never |
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well i would prefer that person to eventually meet my family and kids for sure, as my kids are my life and if they dont like the guy there has to be a reason.
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It is not! Develop your own relationship with them, and just refer to whatever Mum set as boundaries when speaking to them.... like.."I am sure your Mum wouldn't find that ok.." If you want the kids to think you are cool, you are trying to hard... You either are, or you aren't. Kids are black and white... be you, and let them be them, and eventually everyone finds common ground. Lee........I AM *myself* and I like people for who they are.... ...including *her* kids Maybe "we" haven't discussed boundaries.....even though the kids are "legal" adults (AND FRIENDS)....I do not want to undermine any value system that has been part of their upbringing! It's something that I'm concerned with "overstepping"!!!!! |
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personally...i think you're overthinking the situation...but best of luck to you
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Edited by
Jess642
on
Sat 03/08/08 12:25 AM
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It is not! Develop your own relationship with them, and just refer to whatever Mum set as boundaries when speaking to them.... like.."I am sure your Mum wouldn't find that ok.." If you want the kids to think you are cool, you are trying to hard... You either are, or you aren't. Kids are black and white... be you, and let them be them, and eventually everyone finds common ground. Lee........I AM *myself* and I like people for who they are.... ...including *her* kids Maybe "we" haven't discussed boundaries.....even though the kids are "legal" adults (AND FRIENDS)....I do not want to undermine any value system that has been part of their upbringing! It's something that I'm concerned with "overstepping"!!!!! So ask her.... ask her if she sees you as a mentor, friend with her kids.. Ask her does she trust your value system.. If everyone treated my kids in just the way I did, they would have no contrast, and no room to grow and have their world enhanced... I am so lost as to what you require Joel. Her kids re cool, you are cool, she is cool.... Methinks you are overthinking, and in a beautiful, generous, concerned and loving way.... Methinks you protesteth too much... just do it. ( Love in motion, you can't ever go wrong) 
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I don't have kids because I worry too much!
It is THE most important thing that ANYONE does! |
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I don't have kids because I worry too much! It is THE most important thing that ANYONE does! absolutely...treat them w/respect...and all will fall into place...just like any loving/giving friendship |
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I don't have kids because I worry too much! It is THE most important thing that ANYONE does! absolutely...treat them w/respect...and all will fall into place...just like any loving/giving friendship Are YOUR kids "younger"? ...because if so..I understand......but if they are older.... ....don't you respect them enough to ascertain "your" selection of friends.......and your friends to respect "your" boundaries and "your" children's ascertainment of "your" friends? |
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Edited by
Jess642
on
Sat 03/08/08 12:49 AM
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Joel.... I have the four...Kevin 23, Jo at 19...then Ry at 13, and Rhi at 10....
Quite a broad range of ages, and needs... There's no quick fix, instant recipe, no just add water and go... Like every person in the world, they have unique needs, and requirements... You have this wonderful space, where you get to be you, and they get to be them, and with time, fall in like, and then in love with each other. |
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Edited by
Beachfarmer
on
Sat 03/08/08 12:59 AM
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OK....Ry at 13, and Rhi at 10....that's pretty cut and dry by my own moral compass...and INDEED legally.
What if I started feeding Kevin or Jo ideas that YOU perhaps found repulsive. First of all...I (think)I'm sure that you know "their" character, and you'd trust them to find their way to a decent truth.... ......but if you've set me up as a person of trust.....and "my" truth interferes with yours.........is "my" guidance (as a friend) interfering with yours. Perhaps you didn't know my (*fictitious*...Sickening) opinion on a subject......... I guess just trust and hope in your *adult* kids? |
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Edited by
Jess642
on
Sat 03/08/08 01:04 AM
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OK....Ry at 13, and Rhi at 10....that's pretty cut and dry by own moral compass...and INDEED legal. What if I started feeding Kevin or Jo ideas that YOU perhaps found repulsive. First of all...I (think)I'm sure that you know "their" character, and you'd trust them to find their way to a decent truth.... ......but if you've set me up as a person of trust.....and "my" truth interferes with yours.........is "my" guidance (as a friend) interfering with yours. Perhaps you didn't know my (*fictitious*...Sickening) opinion on a subject......... I guess just trust and hope in your *adult* kids? Kevin and Jo have MY ideas, Their ideas, and the input from others.. Lets get back to basics here Joel... My partner and I are just that..........why? Because we have similar ideals, moral compass, beliefs, etc? (Usually a reasonable foundation to base a relationship on, yeah?) I find violence and corrupted spirit repulsive..... so why would I be attracted to someone who didn't? (As an example) So therefore, right back to the core issues.... I would trust my partner to input into my kids worlds, as we are similar people, and I trust him, if I didn't, we would not have a partnership. Although not clones of each other, and on some issues, differing views, but that is what makes it interesting... different views for my kids to look at, and find which sits best in them. I don't 'govern' my kid's ideals...they do. |
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Well I am a guy with a 5 year old boy and if I do meet someone he is part of the package, I think that I would just like any new lady friend just to be normal after all if we got close she would need to be normal then.
Saying all that unlike a men when he meets a woman with kids very few ladies want a guy with baggage........... after two years of trying I know. |
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OK....Ry at 13, and Rhi at 10....that's pretty cut and dry by own moral compass...and INDEED legal. What if I started feeding Kevin or Jo ideas that YOU perhaps found repulsive. First of all...I (think)I'm sure that you know "their" character, and you'd trust them to find their way to a decent truth.... ......but if you've set me up as a person of trust.....and "my" truth interferes with yours.........is "my" guidance (as a friend) interfering with yours. Perhaps you didn't know my (*fictitious*...Sickening) opinion on a subject......... I guess just trust and hope in your *adult* kids? Kevin and Jo have MY ideas, Their ideas, and the input from others.. Lets get back to basics here Joel... My partner and I are just that..........why? Because we have similar ideals, moral compass, beliefs, etc? (Usually a reasonable foundation to base a relationship on, yeah?) I find violence and corrupted spirit repulsive..... so why would I be attracted to someone who didn't? (As an example) So therefore, right back to the core issues.... I would trust my partner to input into my kids worlds, as we are similar people, and I trust him, if I didn't, we would not have a partnership. Although not clones of each other, and on some issues, differing views, but that is what makes it interesting... different views for my kids to look at, and find which sits best in them. I don't 'govern' my kid's ideals...they do. - a "composite" of friend's/family's child which I adore. ....a respectful child full of compassion and love and raised in an environment upholding ideals of service to humanity and helping society. somehow this "older" child assumes a more hardline opinion from my friend's ex (which sex..doesn't matter).............. this "more hardline" opinion is that those less fortunate need to just "pull themselves up by the bootstraps & be more dignified than taking handouts" (let's say the "child" is in between 16 & 22). Is it right for "me" to say that "I think" their parent is wrong.  I guess ANYONE deserves ANYONE'S HONEST opinion.. ...right? |
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OK....Ry at 13, and Rhi at 10....that's pretty cut and dry by own moral compass...and INDEED legal. What if I started feeding Kevin or Jo ideas that YOU perhaps found repulsive. First of all...I (think)I'm sure that you know "their" character, and you'd trust them to find their way to a decent truth.... ......but if you've set me up as a person of trust.....and "my" truth interferes with yours.........is "my" guidance (as a friend) interfering with yours. Perhaps you didn't know my (*fictitious*...Sickening) opinion on a subject......... I guess just trust and hope in your *adult* kids? Kevin and Jo have MY ideas, Their ideas, and the input from others.. Lets get back to basics here Joel... My partner and I are just that..........why? Because we have similar ideals, moral compass, beliefs, etc? (Usually a reasonable foundation to base a relationship on, yeah?) I find violence and corrupted spirit repulsive..... so why would I be attracted to someone who didn't? (As an example) So therefore, right back to the core issues.... I would trust my partner to input into my kids worlds, as we are similar people, and I trust him, if I didn't, we would not have a partnership. Although not clones of each other, and on some issues, differing views, but that is what makes it interesting... different views for my kids to look at, and find which sits best in them. I don't 'govern' my kid's ideals...they do. - a "composite" of friend's/family's child which I adore. ....a respectful child full of compassion and love and raised in an environment upholding ideals of service to humanity and helping society. somehow this "older" child assumes a more hardline opinion from my friend's ex (which sex..doesn't matter).............. this "more hardline" opinion is that those less fortunate need to just "pull themselves up by the bootstraps & be more dignified than taking handouts" (let's say the "child" is in between 16 & 22). Is it right for "me" to say that "I think" their parent is wrong. I guess ANYONE deserves ANYONE'S HONEST opinion.. ...right? Of course!!!!!! That is what makes it an authentic existance... to be honest.... to be able, and to enable others, to speak up, and to share differing views. |
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Edited by
Beachfarmer
on
Sat 03/08/08 01:25 AM
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When do you think (vaguely) is a good age to start introducing children (without interruption) to ideas which you detest?
Would you let your 10 year old talk to ...say.....a skinhead for 30 minutes uniterrupted? |
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When do you think (vaguely) is a good age to start introducing children (without interruption) to ideas which you detest? Would you let your 10 year old talk to ...say.....a skinhead for 30 minutes uniterrupted? Rhianna??? Of course! She has open license, to discuss anything with anyone, that she feels instinctually safe with... My kids are exposed to whatever they require... You know my thoughts on seperationism, and on religion and gender... My kids have been immersed, exposed to Christianity, to Buddhism, to Ananda Margism, to Jehovah Witnesses, and have studied these religions with them, when THEY chose to. They know punks, bikers, hippies, academics, surfers, dopers, politicians, any other name/label you want to offer up... And are most welcome to talk with them, if they are safe. How else do you encourage no judgement, in another unless willing to offer it? |
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