My boyfriend and I have been getting more and more disconnected. I have been struggling with some really difficult negative things, and I really need his love and support... but im not getting it. He gets frustrated and irritated when i dont share things with him, he wants to help me... but the way he approaches me isnt very safe. His tone is short and irritable, and his reactions tend to be negative. I am afraid to tell him "sometimes, i feel like hurting myself... and so i distract myself so that i dont" because he'd react with "anyone who would intentionally hurt themselves is crazy" (which is typical of him...)

Its my job to share stuff with him... but isnt it his job to be a little more compassionate and to be a better listener? why would i go out of my way to talk with him if it ends up making me feel worse...

i dont know how to fix this



**I will specify that i do not hurt myself anymore, and i havent for quite a looong time.. but i get the dangerous urge to, but i keep myself from doing it

First of all- give yourself a break and even if this may get me in trouble- give him a little bit of a break too. I understand what you are going through and I have been there with a woman I loved very much.

I believe that your boyfriend is reacting to your feelings the way he is because he doesn't understand them- he has never felt them. Unfortunately, often times people ask that our partners "understand" our feelings and all we want is for them to acknowldge that we are feeling those things. BUT what the other person hears is that we want them to understand actually what it feels like to feel it. He is hearing you ask him to understand what it feels like to want to hurt yourself and he can't because he hasn't felt it. Instead- you have to ask him to understand that you are having negative feelings-- that you are not asking him to understand what it feels like but to simply understand that you have them and need him to respect that regardless if he doesn't get it. I had a great love who was suicidal-- she wanted me to understand what it was like to hate yourself and want to die-- I couldn't. But I could understand that she was feeling something so terrible that she needed to get help. I understood the situation but not the feeling.

I think we get caught up in wanting our partner to be our everything and understand everything and they can't always do that. And because they want to understand and they want to help- but can't. Some situations can not be resolved by your boyfriend just understanding you-- and when he realizes that he can't help you stop feelings these things, he gets frustrated and scared because he doesn't know what to do and it comes across like he is being a jerk.

I know a lot of people think their partners need to be their everything- their rock- but I don't. I think some things couples are not able to handle on their own because there is so much emotional connection that common sense is lost. I think that seeking the help of a professional who is not emotionally connected to you would be beneficial to you and your relationship. Discuss that with him-- don't blame him that because he doesn't get it you are going to get help somewhere else. But share with him that you are seeking advice from a professional and maybe you can come home and say it was a great session-- wait for him to ask what happened.

We get in relationships and we lose ourselves. You have to be a whole, healthy human being with or without him--- regardless you need to take care of you and get help for yourself first. You can't put all your feelings onto him and expect him to fix them and by his reactions, he feels like you are expecting him to fix them and he can't and he is upset and frustrated that he can't... He clearly said that he wants to help but at the same time, he may feel like he has done everything he could and he is frustrated and upset because he feels he is lacking in what you need.... And remember-- he is taking what you say very literally.

take care

I'll listen to you, don't worry about him. If he doesn't want to listen, then he's useless to you.

you have to tell him you're having negative feelings, you also need to let him off the hook.. he's not at fault for your feelings..

I am reading "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" and it is quite insightful.

It says that when women are happy, men take credit for it... and when we are unhappy... men also take responsibility. I want him to know that its me, and not him or the relationship. I just need a little empathy.

The book also explains womens emotions in terms of waves, a natural cycle of highs and lows.

"when a womans wave rises, she feels good about herself and feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. this time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.
if she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. during this downtime she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.
Women need to hit bottom before they can come back up. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. what she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to emphasize with what she is going through. When a woman comes out of the well, she becomes her usual loving self again. this positive shift is generally misunderstood by men.
a man typically things that whatever what bothering her is now completely healed or resolved.
this is not the case.. it is an illusion.
When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. when her issues come up again, he becomes impatient because he thinks they have already been resolved. without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings again"

thank you lonelyinneedoflove.. its true.. i dont necessarily need him to understand. But i do need him to listen, and offer a little empathy. I dont want to lay such heavy burdens on him... but i do want him to somewhat know what im going through and why. i dont want him to feel helpless.

i've read the book, it's VERY insightful..i agree


however, if you're feeling the 'want' to cut, then you cannot relate that feeling, with this 'wave' of emotion you're reading about..

why you ask? cuz the want to cut is something directly related to your confusion, your hurt, and your depression

yes it's normal to experience this 'wave' of emotion that cycles..but this is something different entirely...you need to find a counselor for this kind of help

you need him to VALIDATE your feelings, acknowledge that they are there, that they exist..not fix them

That all sounds very plausible. I am glad that book is giving you insite into the nature of women, their mood swings, which are often caused by their hormones. As too... the problem with the recurring theme of why you are down, what you need to remember is to find a good counselor you can talk to about what makes you feel bad. Ultimately hurting yourself is only a temporary method to releasing the pain you feel. It is like eating when you are depressed. We all have issues in our life, some of us have more reasons to have them than others, but we all must address them (that is healthy). I cannot express to you how important it is, in my ,that you focus on yourself, and get the healing you need. Though your boyfriend is probably very important to you, it is up to you to take care of yourself. I remember when I was married and would get depressed periodically, and I would tell my NOW ex husband I was upset, he did not respond in a good way to my down mood... I would say to him, I am just depressed and it will go away, but let me feel the way I am feeling. I knew (LIKE YOU KNOW), from reading your book, that it is just a phase. I think putting it in perspective helps, and knowing that IT is just what it IS. Similar to recognizing that PMS comes right before your period. When it happens, instead of getting things out of perspective it is nice to recognize that it is that time of the month, and say to oneself... "OH, it is just PMS." I hope this helps you in some way. My goal is to be encouraging. God Bless you girl... Theresa