My boyfriend and I have been getting more and more disconnected. I have been struggling with some really difficult negative things, and I really need his love and support... but im not getting it. He gets frustrated and irritated when i dont share things with him, he wants to help me... but the way he approaches me isnt very safe. His tone is short and irritable, and his reactions tend to be negative. I am afraid to tell him "sometimes, i feel like hurting myself... and so i distract myself so that i dont" because he'd react with "anyone who would intentionally hurt themselves is crazy" (which is typical of him...)

Its my job to share stuff with him... but isnt it his job to be a little more compassionate and to be a better listener? why would i go out of my way to talk with him if it ends up making me feel worse...

i dont know how to fix this



**I will specify that i do not hurt myself anymore, and i havent for quite a looong time.. but i get the dangerous urge to, but i keep myself from doing it

Maybe you should seek professional help...

NO.

You are not ruining the relationship.
He is.

You are asking for understanding and not getting it.
He is impatient, doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to spend time on what you want to talk about. He has a low opinion of your intelligence, and I'll bet he sometimes raises or rolls his eyes when you say something.

You sound as though you have been through a lot, and have the character to overcome some fairly heavy problems. You also look fine , You deserve better than him.

I'll listen to you, don't worry about him. If he doesn't want to listen, then he's useless to you.

i know the 'want' to hurt yourself, i also know some of the reasons for not (i.e. kids seeing the marks, or the signif.other seeing them, and then having to lie, or explain them)

you have been thru hell, and need someone to talk to, your bf, no matter how great/terrible he may be, is not the person to talk to about this. he wouldn't understand unless he's been thru what you have, or unless he's actually a counselor, and right now, i doubt he is.

i think you should tell him that you've been thru some heavy stuff, and need to talk to someone that can help you, if he gets upset, then tell him to hit the road.

you have to look out for YOU, don't bother tryin to 'spare' his feelings, it will do YOU no good


good luck

i would recommend some counseling to help you deal with some of the things you are feeling and to help with the feelings you are getting from your boyfriend especially if its not safe. you could be just steps away from abuse and that should never happen. please talk to someone professional either someone from your church or other health care professional as soon as possible

First of all- give yourself a break and even if this may get me in trouble- give him a little bit of a break too. I understand what you are going through and I have been there with a woman I loved very much.

I believe that your boyfriend is reacting to your feelings the way he is because he doesn't understand them- he has never felt them. Unfortunately, often times people ask that our partners "understand" our feelings and all we want is for them to acknowldge that we are feeling those things. BUT what the other person hears is that we want them to understand actually what it feels like to feel it. He is hearing you ask him to understand what it feels like to want to hurt yourself and he can't because he hasn't felt it. Instead- you have to ask him to understand that you are having negative feelings-- that you are not asking him to understand what it feels like but to simply understand that you have them and need him to respect that regardless if he doesn't get it. I had a great love who was suicidal-- she wanted me to understand what it was like to hate yourself and want to die-- I couldn't. But I could understand that she was feeling something so terrible that she needed to get help. I understood the situation but not the feeling.

I think we get caught up in wanting our partner to be our everything and understand everything and they can't always do that. And because they want to understand and they want to help- but can't. Some situations can not be resolved by your boyfriend just understanding you-- and when he realizes that he can't help you stop feelings these things, he gets frustrated and scared because he doesn't know what to do and it comes across like he is being a jerk.

I know a lot of people think their partners need to be their everything- their rock- but I don't. I think some things couples are not able to handle on their own because there is so much emotional connection that common sense is lost. I think that seeking the help of a professional who is not emotionally connected to you would be beneficial to you and your relationship. Discuss that with him-- don't blame him that because he doesn't get it you are going to get help somewhere else. But share with him that you are seeking advice from a professional and maybe you can come home and say it was a great session-- wait for him to ask what happened.

We get in relationships and we lose ourselves. You have to be a whole, healthy human being with or without him--- regardless you need to take care of you and get help for yourself first. You can't put all your feelings onto him and expect him to fix them and by his reactions, he feels like you are expecting him to fix them and he can't and he is upset and frustrated that he can't... He clearly said that he wants to help but at the same time, he may feel like he has done everything he could and he is frustrated and upset because he feels he is lacking in what you need.... And remember-- he is taking what you say very literally.

take care

Everyone goes through periods where they feel low sometimes. As for your boyfriend...he probably does care alot, but the truth is that some people can't be around someone who is depressed or negative for very long without being sucked into it. Negativity is like an energy vampire for some of us.
There are things you can do to help yourself. Promise. Read a book on creative visualization. Exercise. Start eating salads (they are usually high in B complex and help with stress levels). Watch a movie that is guaranteed to make you cry so you can get it "all out" and then make yourself watch a funny movie to bring yourself back up. You might try some Ginseng Energy too. After you try all these things, take a good long walk in a park, on a trail, or somewhere you can have some space and feel safe. Take deep breaths and let yourself just think about how magical nature is. When you feel confused it's hard to remember all the good that surrounds you. These are little things to help you feel grounded again, but they work.

well said!! lonelyinneedoflove

very good advice here...good post linof (lonleyinneed)



you have to tell him you're having negative feelings, you also need to let him off the hook.. he's not at fault for your feelings..he HAS to know that.

all he HAS to do, is know that you're having them, so he can acknowledge them, and understand that he's not at fault...

he can not 'fix' you, but he can listen, and sympathize, and empathize....he can apreciate that you want help, and that you're willing to learn how to deal with this in a healthy way

this will directly impact your relationship with him, or anyone else (family members and such)

you being a woman, it's in your nature to want to get the feelings out there, him being a man, it's in HIS nature to want to fix the problem even tho he can't, thru no fault of his, fix this himself..help him understand that only, without insulting, or degrading, help him see that he's at a loss, just as you are, on how to 'fix' this

Well said

But he should listen to you sympathetically, not impatiently.

I'd say you are worth better.

I am reading "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" and it is quite insightful.

It says that when women are happy, men take credit for it... and when we are unhappy... men also take responsibility. I want him to know that its me, and not him or the relationship. I just need a little empathy.

The book also explains womens emotions in terms of waves, a natural cycle of highs and lows.

"when a womans wave rises, she feels good about herself and feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. this time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.
if she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. during this downtime she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.
Women need to hit bottom before they can come back up. The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. what she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to emphasize with what she is going through. When a woman comes out of the well, she becomes her usual loving self again. this positive shift is generally misunderstood by men.
a man typically things that whatever what bothering her is now completely healed or resolved.
this is not the case.. it is an illusion.
When her wave crashes again, similar issues will arise. when her issues come up again, he becomes impatient because he thinks they have already been resolved. without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings again"

i've read the book, it's VERY insightful..i agree


however, if you're feeling the 'want' to cut, then you cannot relate that feeling, with this 'wave' of emotion you're reading about..

why you ask? cuz the want to cut is something directly related to your confusion, your hurt, and your depression

yes it's normal to experience this 'wave' of emotion that cycles..but this is something different entirely...you need to find a counselor for this kind of help

thank you lonelyinneedoflove.. its true.. i dont necessarily need him to understand. But i do need him to listen, and offer a little empathy. I dont want to lay such heavy burdens on him... but i do want him to somewhat know what im going through and why. i dont want him to feel helpless.

you need him to VALIDATE your feelings, acknowledge that they are there, that they exist..not fix them

Mutilation is something that isnt part of my life anymore and hasnt for a few years. Last night, my boyfriend and i had this explosive argument and all this huge misunderstanding... i wanted to talk to him and he was so short tempered with me, so i tried to suppress my feelings so there would be nothing to talk about, but it definitely exploded out of me. He managed to calm me down and coo me to bed, and then i woke up this morning from him caressing my cheek before he got dressed and left for work. I talked about all my feelings to one of my friends this morning, and talking about it all now here... and i feel 100% better. I feel as if nothing bad had happened at all... like my wave is back on its way up.

what woman doesnt?

"When a woman doesnt feel safe in her well: waves greatly increase when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is essential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always alright and suppresses her negative feelings. When a woman doesnt feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex, as well to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking, or overcaretaking. even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fall into her well and her long suppressed feelings come up in the most uncontrolled explosive manner"
--> the "addictions" is partially what set me off in the first place. my addiction to dealing with suppressed emotion is eating. I had jokingly asked him why i was the only taken women on the planet to not receive chocolate on valentines day, and he told me he wasnt going to give me chocolate because its not good for me and i need to watch my weight. that definitely set me off and i felt aweful about myself.

That all sounds very plausible. I am glad that book is giving you insite into the nature of women, their mood swings, which are often caused by their hormones. As too... the problem with the recurring theme of why you are down, what you need to remember is to find a good counselor you can talk to about what makes you feel bad. Ultimately hurting yourself is only a temporary method to releasing the pain you feel. It is like eating when you are depressed. We all have issues in our life, some of us have more reasons to have them than others, but we all must address them (that is healthy). I cannot express to you how important it is, in my ,that you focus on yourself, and get the healing you need. Though your boyfriend is probably very important to you, it is up to you to take care of yourself. I remember when I was married and would get depressed periodically, and I would tell my NOW ex husband I was upset, he did not respond in a good way to my down mood... I would say to him, I am just depressed and it will go away, but let me feel the way I am feeling. I knew (LIKE YOU KNOW), from reading your book, that it is just a phase. I think putting it in perspective helps, and knowing that IT is just what it IS. Similar to recognizing that PMS comes right before your period. When it happens, instead of getting things out of perspective it is nice to recognize that it is that time of the month, and say to oneself... "OH, it is just PMS." I hope this helps you in some way. My goal is to be encouraging. God Bless you girl... Theresa

Thank you for the insight and support