I agree with your second paragraph. My reference to "working" through it was something you do within yourself if you discover unresolved issues or feelings resurfacing from past relationships.

Most people work through personal issues after they have gotten out of the relationship. If you've been in abusive relationships or other relationships that just didn't seem to work self reflection is needed to find out why you keep attracting that kind of person in your life. You can do a ton of soul searching, work through your issues and grow into a strong person who is no longer willing to allow bad people in your life, but you can't stop feelings from resurfacing when you enter into the next relationship, even if that person is a really good person.

It's impossible to know if you have truly worked through issues of past relationships, especially the ones that were abusive, until you enter a new relationship or as you put it, enter into the dating arena.

To me dating is a relationship, any ongoing interaction with another being is a relationship of some sort. As we continue in that relationship we learn and grow... sometimes together, sometimes a part.

I agree with JBH that sometimes feeling a little jealous is not a huge issue. Our feelings are just that, feelings. They work as a gauge as to where we are in life. If we experience negative feelings, we have the opportunity to look at that, learn from it and grow past it. Or run like hell because they are warning us that bad things are going to happen.

As in JBH's situation, she and her bf discussed the feelings that arouse in her. Doing so built more trust and helped them get to know each other at a new level. It will most likely make their relationship stronger as a result... and more importantly, help JBH to allow herself to trust more that he is not like the others and really does care for her.

I don't know this for sure, I'm speaking as if I were in her shoes and how it would be for me. I'm not going to wait until I know someone fully before entering a relationship... We are not constant beings, we change over time and learn new things about ourselves through out life. So it stands to reason it's the same with a relationship... we learn and grow as it develops and we learn new things about the person we're with. To wait until I know someone fully takes a life time and I'd prefer to be enjoying that person through that process rather than waiting that life time to finally say yes to the relationship.



River, I can't believe how much we think alike! Everything you said is right on the mark.

All previous relationships have tainted my views. So now I'm with someone totally different and it just makes it hard to believe and accept that this person treats me so well.

Reread what I wrote....you are conflating what I said about being uncomfortable with being jealous.

Trust isn't something that is quantitative, it can't be measured in percentages, you either trust someone or you don't. Going onto a relationship BEFORE you trust someone is foolish in my opinion and something I won't do. During the dating period preceding entering into a relationship is when trust should be established.....but to each their own.



^^^^^^^^^^^Well Said. !

I have learned to read a man well, while dating him. I t's the time you learn if you really want to live with him or not in a relationship.

I don't have Chemistry for every man I have dated .

River you said
"To me dating is a relationship, any ongoing interaction with another being is a relationship of some sort. As we continue in that relationship we learn and grow... sometimes together, sometimes a part."

I agree that any ongoing interaction, including dating, with another person is a relationship but NOT all relationships have the same requirements for them to exist. I have an ongoing non emotional relationship with a married woman at a deli and over time she learned how I like the products I buy. But my relationship with her is in no way similar to the emotional relationship she has with her husband, or at least I hope for their sake the relationships aren't similar. We haven't been talking about every kind of relationship, we've been specifically talking about a committed, romantic and most importantly a monogamous relationship.

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Trust isn't something that is quantitative, it can't be measured in percentages, you either trust someone or you don't. Going onto a relationship BEFORE you trust someone is foolish in my opinion and something I won't do. During the dating period preceding entering into a relationship is when trust should be established.....but to each their own.


I agree with Toody. I really thought I could trust my husbands PRE-marriage or I would not have married them. I thought we had established trust, So that for ME says most men are not reliable. My father was reliable. I am looking for someone like him, and that seems to have only a 1% chance.
I would never get into a live-in relationship or marriage with someone without spending LOTS of time with him beforehand.

So far I think everyone on forums is correct, that only real people are here, and the remainder MAY not be real.

I would never get into a live-in relationship or marriage with someone without spending LOTS of time with him beforehand.



Many women do. But that's their Choice !

A man either loves her or he doesn't. She cannot make him. You realize that BEFORE hopefully.

"Where does that emotion come from?"
good question.

I read very little about the jealousy of plants.
but I know the animals are very jealous.
I think it's an abstract feeling that comes with existence.

Give yourself a hug for letting him in your life... that shows you are loving yourself more Very cool!

I'm excited for you in your new relationship.

Keep the jealousy within socio-psychological/physiological limits.
That's what's important, I think.

Me personally I cant be in a relationship with someone who is jealous that is one thing I will not tolerate

It's as inbred as humans always wanting more, man wouldn't have evolved without it.

No such thing as a human without jealousy, tough break girls, deal with it.

I wasn't referring to platonic or casual relationships.

Any man I've dated, it was a monogamous relationship from the start. I've never really did the dating thing as far as just dating to get to know someone and deciding later that you wanted to get more serious. I've dated men who I wanted a relationship with, so it started out as pretty much a commitment from the start.

I can relate to JBH because in the beginning of the relationship I have had times when I felt jealous. As I got to know him more, I realized my jealousy was either just an old insecurity or something he was doing to intentionally try and make me jealous. I dumped him if I found he was doing that. If it was an old insecurity, I dealt with it and grew from it.

I think I understand what saying. What I'm hearing is women you begin to see you date them, casually, and later, after you know someone more fully and found you can trust her, then you move to a committed relationship with her? It then becomes monogamous for you and her?

That is probably the better way to do it... less heart ache. Only for me, I'm not geared that way. I've tried to date casually more than one man and for some reason I am uncomfortable doing so. Partly because in some ways I'm still a little insecure, and partly because I don't see the point. I see someone I like and want to share my time with him... not other men. Plus I love to kiss, and it just doesn't feel right to kiss a man one night and a different man the next night.

To each his/her own. I still say jealousy is a normal human emotion/feeling, one that most have encountered. It's more important what you do with it than whether you ever experienced it.

True to an extent.
Feeling jealousy is a natural 'fear of loss' reaction in many relationships.
Jealousy isn't the issue as much as 'what is done' with the jealousy.
Its a self-control/self-expression thing.
You can trust someone but still feel jealous sometimes.
The trust over-rides the jealous reactions.

I think most people don't want a jealous partner more because of how they react to jealousy than the fact that they are jealous at all.
Insecurity doesn't look good on you.

(I think) Most people want a partner that is sure of themselves, their love for you and have the ability to express themselves with reason.

Jealousy is an emotion I have no need for, no desire of having in my life and definitely no time for.

Jealousy is often a prelude to drama which is something else I have no need for, no desire of having in my life and definitely no time for.

But that's just me.

I knew men who were much more jealous than most women are.

Yep... Several bar fights are for that reason alone!

I know men who get jealous, I know women who get jealous, however I've never tried to quantify jealousy. I'm willing to bet there are people who become jealous but never express jealousy openly.

I agree... they deal with it instead of acting on it.

Then they sometimes take it out on innocent people.