Went to a "singles relationship workshop" it was a self help deal for people who are having a hard time meeting the right people and so forth, I figured what the hell, maybe there would be women who were looking for something serious and have had bad luck like me,
it turned out to be a complete waste of time. When I walked in I was a bit happy and excited, the other guys there were exactly what you would think of for a crowd of unlucky in love guys, I know I'm not the best looking guy in town but if graded on a curve in that crowd I figured Maybe to-nite I'll do well, I was only one of 4 black guys there and I swear one looked like a real life version of "Cleveland" from that "Family Guy" cartoon. And I was getting alot of positive nonverbal ques early on, and even got approached and flirted with. but in conversation it turned out MOST of the ladies there had young kids at home or were workaholics or just sad such busy lives within minutes of conversation I realized they would not have time for a relationship. One lady seemed really great hit it off in convo instantly, her kids were grown and moved out, turns out we live damn near walking distance so we exchanged numbers talked about a time to meet up and hang out, turns out she would be back in town for 3 days a month from now.... turns out she drives a truck and is only home 1 - 2 weekends a month..... well so much for that .

But anyway the subject of this post is one lady that on her turn to speak said her main problem in dating is she keeps meeting guys who start out great and seem normal and a month or so in they become all needy & clingy like some sort of bait&switch... now when people started asking about the most recent time this happened to her trying to establish if there were any clues she should look for in the future it became clear that she starts off her relationships spending most of her free time with that guy then once she starts feeling comfortable she starts pulling back and doing her own thing and trying to fit him in to any blank spots in her schedule and she then gets surprised when some guy want's to monopolize all her free time WHEN SHE GOT HIM USED TO THAT IN THE BEGINNING!!!!!! A few of us pointed that out to her and she looked at us like we all just grew a penis on our foreheads. She then says "of course you spend most of your free time together at first, because you are getting to know each other, but then when you know your a match you get back to the things you have been neglecting, everyone knows that".

Well obviously not.... Basically she meets these guys she shows them a great relationship demo trial and the actual relationship turns out to be weaksauce in comparison But she feels she is the one who got bait&switched? basically he did not change the script SHE DID!!!

Do either of you find yourselves or have ever found yourself in that mess? I have many times, why don't people show their true selves in the beginning to save time?

I wish I could contribute to this thread, but I can't recall ever experiencing this.

"She then says "of course you spend most of your free time together at first, because you are getting to know each other, but then when you know your a match you get back to the things you have been neglecting, everyone knows that".


That's some f***ed up s**t right there.

I've never done that, and..had I started to date someone that *did* this..they'd be out quick..seeya bye...

I *have* had guys online start out great...conversant, chatty, witty..semmingly intelligent...then a few days later it's like a ~totally different guy~ is replying...one line/ few word replies...not even using the same grammer...
A total Jekyll * Hyde...

I think a certain amount of changing behavior is more than normal for would be couples, it's downright necessary. Even the most basic and common "dating" process is an entirely artificial construct that almost everyone discards at the point where the relationship is declared "official." Especially not if people start living together. When you come home to the same house or apartment, you aren't going to sit down to coffee and text your mate while they are sitting there at the same table.

And yes, I did go through at least an acting out of being told I needed to act like "we were dating again," as one of my now ex-wife's complaints about me. What that meant wasn't really clear, since as I said, it was impractical to act like I was living across town.

Perhaps a lot of it isn't the details of behavior, so much as it is the sensation that the person who is disappointed has about how they feel. One thing I've noticed about most of the things that people complain about in relationships, comes down to the fact that when someone actively WANTS to be with someone else, pretty much anything they do seems charming and romantic; but when they really don't actively want them anymore, they'll start to deduce that the exact same behaviors now mean bad things.

Someone who is complacent has become overly content.

That's what came to mind for me.
People have this weird need to have excitement in their lives on a constant basis. Excitement can take the form of danger, extreme behavior or just the adventure of the dating feeling.

Bored definition, to weary by dullness, tedious repetition, unwelcome attentions, etc.

People also have the tendancy to become bored with unchanging situations.
When in a relationship with someone over a long period of time people fall into patterns that can become boring.

There are many ways a couple can fight off complacency and boredom and it doesn't have to be anything exotic or extreme.

When things got too repetitious for me, I would get up at 2am and we would go get some breakfast at the local all-night diner.
Just spur of the moment things you do together that you normally don't do.

Be spontaneous and creative but keep it to something you both can enjoy. Like running outside in a rainstorm and stomping yourselves soaked in some mud puddles and a few passionate kisses in between.
No special abilities needed.

You're only limited by your own creativity.

I dunno about *most* people...but I have *never* had a "weird need to have excitement in their lives on a constant basis"..
That sounds tiring, and not at all enjoyable..
I never got into "thrill seeking" behaviour...don't like danger, or conflict, or disharmony..

As far a being "bored"?
That's all in your head...
Some people, on a smnow day at home, quickly become bored..

I have tons of books, hve my old movie channel....and, now, the internet...
I *never* get "bored"...

If I had a partner...there's no need to ever be bored...
All the things you could do, talk about share in...from the incredibly mundane to awesome.

Myself, I *love* stabilty, steadiness, continuity..and, yes..routine..I am at my best and most "centered" that way.
I have an extreme dislike for things that are in constant uproar/ change...

Some people like that...and if that's their thing...fine..

But not everyone likes the same things..so, let people be like they are happiest...what makes them most content/ feeds their soul...whatever it is..

Being Realistic cuts out a lot of fantasy that some people get, with Online communication.

A real date or relationship forms INPERSON. Then it's not guaranteed to be a real match even after first in person Meet.

Sure.
This happened all the time in school. During holidays. During stressful times.

People have days off, people have inordinate amounts of stress during finals.
Some threw everything into dating to procrastinate, to relieve stress, to avoid stress, and when they had to go to finals, had to study, had to start school, had to go back to work, had to leave back home after christmas break, then all of a sudden their "real" life took precedence. All the things they put off and thought/felt weren't important, because they could be put off then, became important again.


Seems more like you're asking "why can't people just commit to consistently behaving according to who I come to think they are?"

Expectations...

Its amazing just how strongly expectations can be.

From a couples point of view, expectations can be uneventful and even boring.

When locked into a routine, everyday becomes the 'same ole same ole' and some people have a problem with this.
Others don't.
Some want it in their lives.


Part of the importance of 'dating' and spending actual time in person with someone is to figure out personality patterns inherent to that particular individual.

For instance, someone that constantly rearranges their furniture, changes jobs, changes cars, changes routine...needs change in their life to feel 'normal'.
These people would not be happy with a same ole-same ole lifestyle.

Then there are people that strictly desire no change. The always have the same hairstyle, never change around their furniture, always eat the same foods and find comfort in predictable lifestyle.

If you were paying attention to these things while you are dating them, you would know how to act to preserve a feeling of a "full" lifestyle with them.

It all boils down to the question of whether you made a wise choice or a poor choice in your mate selection.
Most people can't help their compulsions, many have no idea what their compulsions are let alone the reason for them.

Many people don't look for compulsive behavior in the ones they enter into a relationship with. They see it but don't understand what they see.

So, if you enter into a relationship as a predictable and standard lifestyle type of person with a person that needs change, you will have these types of conflicts. Or, vice-versa.

Choose wisely and you will be okay.
Choose poorly and you will face these tpes of conflicts.

If you are already in a relationship experiencing these issues, take notice of the other's compulsions and try to provide to their needs.