This was just to good NOT to share!!!
>> I WAS ROLLIN!!!
>><http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZS> That poor
>>judge!!
>>
>>
Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's
no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to
read
this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili
Cook-off
about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on
the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman
is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm
worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass
with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder
how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

ROFLMAO THAT WAS AWESOME LOL

My GOD1....very well told, I loved it, got to go get the mop to wipe up
the puddle og tears on the floor from laughing so hard......BRAVOOOOO
!!!!!!!!!!1

awesome just awesome ive always been a big fan of chili cook offs and
that one takes the cake lmao

That was FUNNY" and it better be cause them TEXS folks don't
FOOL-AROUND???? lol,

omg that is too damn funny! lmao i am rolling!

they should have asked a cajun to try the chili!!!

im getting hungry!!

I just HAD to post on this one!
I've been doing chili cookoffs for several years and won the local one
at one of my regular pubs in Columbus 3 years running for best tasting.
My chili takes a week to make (if anyone would like details on that I'm
happy to share) Anyway....... the 1st couple of years I entered I only
got into the "tastiest" category but 2 years ago the guy who won the
"spiciest" cat ticked me off with his entry. It tasted like almost pure
Tabasco and I'm pretty sure 99% of it was just that, straight from a BIG
bottle. Tabasco isn't very hot in MY book and I've really never cared
for the taste since I'm not a big pepper flavor fan. Last years
competition rolled around and I decided to enter all 3 categories
including "most unusal"
I made my regular chili which isn't for the weak of taste anyway but
it's not firehouse hot either. Before I added the meat I pulled a crock
worth out and use tofu and portabella mushrooms instead of meat in that
crock to make a veggie chili since the bar owners were vegans. The
majority of my chili I continued on as usual and then the day of the
tasting I pulled another crocks worth out and set aside for the
"spiciest"
My regular entry usually disapears within minutes so I learned from the
start to have at least 5 or 6 crocks worth of it in reserve LOL
Now a couple of years ago a lady friend of mine knowing my propensity
for the hot stuff got me a bottle of "DaBomb Ground Zero" which is
distilled habanero oil. It's pure extract and rated something like 1500
times hotter than a jalepeno! The instructions on the bottle are "dip a
toothpick 1/2 inch into the oil and stir just that into one crock of
chili to season"!!
Yours truly decided if they wanted hot and spicy I was gonna give it to
em and poured about 4 ounces of that bottle into that one crock!
I put warning labels allllll over the crock, atomic symbols etc and even
burned the bowl off of a wooden spoon and dipped it into the chili to
make it look like the chili had burned up the spoon! What I hadn't
counted on was that with it actually being my normal chili it still
tasted good and the oil takes a few seconds to hit ya no matter how much
there was in there!
Most people managed to get 2 or even 3 bites in before it hit them and
by then the damage was done. I heard and saw a lot of nodding and "ummmm
tast......OMFG!!!!" ROTFLMAO
Of course the labels weren't good enough and the 1st victims thought it
would be funny not to add more warnings and were actually encouraging
people to try it! One poor young lady had a couple of bites, couldn't
catch her breath once it hit her and then hyperventilated until she
passed out :( She ended up having the squad called for her but in the
end she was ok.
I was called every name in the book (and even some new ones) that night
and for several weeks after. The bartender told me a week later he
hadn't been able to shit for 4 days just out of fear! ROTF :)
At any rate, no one died and the final results were.....
Tastiest 18 votes for 1st place by 5 votes
Most unusual 11 votes for 2nd place missing 1st by 3 votes
Spiciest 1st place by unanimous vote of 84 votes !! LOL
It was also announced that the bar owners had renamed me to "ATOMIC DON"
and had instituted a rule change for the following year.
"Before entering the spiciest category the cook has to publicly eat 2
bowls (about 4 ounces) of his entry"
I've been eating that sort of stuff all my life so I went up and ate a
bowl just to show them it could be done :P
I learned long ago to take those 1st hits and get it over with and then
ya go numb anyway so it wasn't a big deal LOL

Ohhhhhhhhh ya just not right!

ROFLMAO

"not right" .... "insane"......"nuts"......"sadistic bastard".......
those were some of the NICER things said about me after that ! ROTF