An interesting question to consider, from this particular point of view.

The main thing I'm seeing in my own life, and I think I'm seeing with others in this discussion, is that the idea of what a partner or spouse actually MEANS, changes in our lives. And the reasons NOT to have a partner change over time and experience as well.

The one most intriguing change I've witnessed from within my own life, has been that I didn't so much change from the time I was young, in what I actively WANTED.

I changed in how I understood what I wanted, and I changed a LOT in what I believed was possible. And I changed in what I thought I had to do and be, in order to get what I wanted.

Basically, I've always wanted a real partner. A real partner sort of teams up with you, and the two of you deal with whatever normal life is, as a team.

I never found that. I found instead, lots of people who seemed to be looking for anything from a rescuer, to an entertainment leader, to a servant, to some kind of general mutual role playing arrangement (as though what marriage was to them, was a sort of play, or tv series they were going to become a part of, with the other person as a costar).


After my long and difficult marriage crashed to an end, I at first thought I wanted to finally find the mate I originally wanted. And I actually do still want that. But over the years since, I had to come to a series of alterations in my understanding of how the world works, in this area.

First, and most common with other people, I believe, I thought I was ready right out of the gate, to start again with someone. Mainly, because the last two or three years of my marriage was so bad, that I had been sleeping on the couch every night, and experienced nothing but hostility from my wife, so I thought I was already through the period of adjusting to not having a real mate. But when I started to talk to other women, and saw my own reactions to that, I realized that there was an entire subconscious sort of background world inside me, that I had to rip out bit by bit like a defective foundation under a broken house, before I could start to rebuild.

Now, some years later, I am fairly discouraged. Still no change in what I want. But in all the people in my age range I have observed, the only ones who seem to be close to seeing the world the way that I do, are insanely far away. Lots of people are clearly looking for THEIR old original dream mates as well, and for most of them, I simply don't measure up. Not enough money, not enough ability to travel the world, not enough desire to go out partying regularly, and so on.

I don't suffer from the resentments I think I see a lot of people expressing in this area. I don't look at a woman who wants a guy who can "show her a good time," and declare her to be a gold-digger, or whatever. I don't look at women who always wanted to travel the world, and think they are entertainment leaches, or anything like that. I just see women who want things I can't provide, and who want to do things I don't want to do.

In total, that means that I don't see myself as "ready for a mate," in the sense that I'm not ready to be any of the kinds of people who everyone around me appears to want. And I am certainly not the guy I once was, who was thought he could exchange SOME desires being unfulfilled, in an arrangement to get the rest of them. My disastrous marriage convinced me that that kind of bargain never works.

So my base answer to this is yes, I am ready for a mate. But no, I don't expect to find one. That wont stop me from looking, which is why I'm still signed up all over the place on sites like this, and why I'm still working to fix my house up, and so on. But I don't try to date a lot, because I now know how oddly complicated my needs and desires actually are, in their otherwise mundane way.

In ways I'm ready for a mate. But I think it's harder to find what I'm looking for. When I met my first husband, we were young and anything was possible. I thought of kids, a home, travel, then rocking on the porch when we are old with the grandkids playing in the yard.

The last poster in a way is correct. It's hard to find a guy that measures up. And after a lifetime of crushed dreams and a failed marriage, it causes me to hesitate. I think to myself, why not just be alone. Because I see it as someone I will have to cook for and clean up after without anything in return.

that will depend on the hired individual and the plan you opt for

Sometimes I wonder if I've grown too accustomed to being alone to be able to be in a relationship again. There's a freedom in not having to compromise, answer to anyone, or account for your whereabouts. Can one grow so independent that he/she is no longer able to partner up?

I have similar thoughts.

It is a needle in a haystack maybe, but at least you know you're looking for a needle, you don't need to check every straw in the haystack if you get what I mean.

It really is an interesting question Crystal.

I thought about it a long time before I dated after my 2nd divorce.
I realized I had no interest in hooking up with anyone simply
because I was alone.

I kept thinking, so what if I accept a date with so-and-so, where
can it go if I have no interest in long-term? Which one tends to
feel after a wretched divorce.

So, I simply waited.
Until one day in the grocery store I noticed a feller stocking shelves
and thought, 'Oh, my' and realized I was..back in the game,
after 4 years.

I accidentally 'fell' into M2 after a friend asked me to sign her up,
she was not what you call a techie ;-(
I was going to be in and out, but found the forums instead.

No interest whatsoever in dating online, I still can hardly imagine
hahaha but fate had a plan. I had noticed the krupa early on, he made
me laugh, I found I would log-on and look for his posts just for
a giggle. Then I started to worry.

Should I make a move? Experience told me the bait would be taken ahead of
time, so I had to think long and hard, which I did for about 6 months,
what did I really want? Did I want someone new? What if it did not work
out, how silly would I feel...so why start something like that?

I finally came to the conclusion, that should things materialize, I
might consider going the distance. Again. Huge commitment for me.

So I sent a little admiring email, for his artwork which was quite
stupendous. The Beginning.

But the point is, I really spent a lot of time deciding beforehand if
I was ready or not, back and forth, weighing all the pros and cons.
And came up with..a maybe hahaha

I would say it is good to do this. What if you got all hot and bothered
but then decided you were not ready? Bad, bad news for the guy who
thought you had an open and available heart.

Treat others as you wish to be treated.

52 ?? I am quite alone and I am 65. I will tell you that it doesn't get any easier to find a companion when you get older. alone has its benefits, ie.. you are not obligated to be home at a certain time, you eat what and when you want and there are several other examples. However, when you do finally accept that it is time to have a companion and you have reached my age, you suddenly realize that someone as old as you is looking for someone younger and the younger ones usually are not interested in someone of your age. Good luck with your life and I hope you don't end up waiting to long.

That's what many of us are doing now. We aren't alone because we WANT TO BE ALONE, we are alone, because that's far less annoying than having to fuss with someone who doesn't really like us all that much. We aren't any pickier than we always were, we are just less willing to invest our ever shortening remaining time, on trying to sit in a badly-matched chair, or to wrestle with a wrong-sized set of tools.

That's what many of us are doing now. We aren't alone because we WANT TO BE ALONE, we are alone, because that's far less annoying than having to fuss with someone who doesn't really like us all that much. We aren't any pickier than we always were, we are just less willing to invest our ever shortening remaining time, on trying to sit in a badly-matched chair, or to wrestle with a wrong-sized set of tools.

Yeah, I'm like that too at the moment. It does scare me a little bit though. Because if I keep feeling this way I will stay alone I guess, which ultimately isn't what I want.
If I want it to change I have to do something about it and right now I don't really feel like doing that.
I guess it wouldn't bother me really if I was still in my 30s or early 40s. For some reason I feel pressure a bit because I'm 52. BS, I know, but cannot help it.