Cracked open the ole vault again...don't think i have shared these before...soooo enjoy...

#1 Hot Wife

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself.

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#2 A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students and
asked him "Harry, what seems to be your problem?"

Harry answered: "I'm too smart to be in the first grade." "My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than her. I think I should be in the third grade also."

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

>>Principal: What is 3X3?
Harry: 9

>>Principal: What is 6X6?
Harry: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her "I think Harry can go into the Third Grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "let me ask some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.



>>The Teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I only have Two of?

Harry replies, "Legs."

>>Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?"
The principal begins to worry.

Harry: "Pockets"

>> Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

>> Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, Oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Harry: "A Coconut"

>>Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink and then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

>>Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, women do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake Hands"

>>Teacher: Now I am going to ask you some "Who am I" Sort of questions, okay?

Harry "Yep"

>>Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"

>>Teacher: "A finger goes into me and you fiddle me when you are bored. The best man always has me first."

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

>>Teacher: "I come in many sizes and when I am not well I drip. When you blow me I feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

>>Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates and I come with A quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"

>> Teacher: "What word starts with an F and ends in a K that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"
>
>
>
>
The principal breathed a sigh of relieve and told the teacher, "put
Harry in the fifth grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

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#3 One Liners

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said, "Implants?"


Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now
THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
******************************************************************

#4 Gentle thoughts for today:

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "THEIRS"

Hilarious, thanks!!!!!!!!!

Thank you,for all your jokes, I was rocking with laughter at the pricipals answer, very similar to my own conclusions,I bet.

*gigglesnorting*

this thread is shovelheaddave approved!!

Hilarious!

thanks I needed a laugh

I love this

really

Loved the jokes thanks they put a smile on my face

thanks I needed that

FUNNY

Funny .

hahahaha,Too funny