... or a serial killer, or a drug lord or something equally horrible ...

They are now being charged for their crime and going through all the legal proceedings .

They have been loyal and kind to you for years, but now you have to reconcile that with the fact that they have devastated many lives.

Would you immediately end the friendship? If not, what would you do?



Ps: With the discovery of abusers like Jared Fogle, and other seemingly normal people in recent times, it really made me wonder how friends and family of these perpetrators coped with this new information

way out there peggy but...

somethings are just beyond ignoring. in my opinion this is one of them. slam click and good riddance

some things have no justifyable extenuating circumstances

I was actually thinking about the people we have seen on the news who have been accused of horrible crimes in recent times, and I started wondering how their friends coped with the shocking discovery,

Believe it or not Eric, I would be torn between cutting all ties versus trying to understand what caused them to live that double life.

One thing Im sure of is that I would support the full retribution of the law. No one should be allowed to commit these crimes without punishment

the only reason i would have for understanding would be to prevent a repeat occurrence with a new friend

They were never the person you thought they were.

As well as their hideous crime they have also deceived you. A bit fat swerve.

That makes sense Eric.

For me, I have a weird battle with gratitude. If someone has been good to me for an extended period of time, I find it hard to dismiss it even when I receive new conflicting information about the person.

I think the Psychologists refer to it as a case of cognitive dissonance?

So you would assume that all their years of kindness to you was fake Joe?

i hear that peggy. but for me at least, that evaporates just as soon as you cross from, being caught in the middle of really strange circumstances, to omg you really did that.

Maybe their kindness wasn’t fake, but they were definitely not the person you thought they were.

I think most people would agree with you Eric but I simply cant forget kindness rendered to me if it was genuine. The relationship would be over, but not sure if I could cut them off altogether

well with out trying to drive this off the rails and including joe's last...

let's say your "friend " was a little short guy with dark hair and a goofy mustache and you just discovered all of his camps?

If it were a parent, or a child you discovered those atrocious things about, how would you cope with it then?

Yes, the weird feelings you have about your inner conflict is called cognitive dissonance. However, cognitive dissonance isn't a CAUSE, it's a symptom or result. What you can do to resolve the overall issues, and get rid of your 'dissonance' sensation, is to more thoroughly explore your own principles and social habits.

Something to consider with this particular question, for example, might be that you are one of the people who subconsciously think of acts of kindness or respect, as being a sort of social currency or cash. And that someone can OBLIGATE you to be nice and supportive of them against your will, simply by being nice to you.

It's a common enough thought error, usually the result of suffering from the "say-thank-you-to-aunt-Martha-for-the-nice-sweater-that-you-never-want-to-be-seen-in" syndrome, as a child.

I agree, and I believe I would find myself questioning their kindness. Were they being kind all those years because I was always kind to them? Suppose I were to defy them in some way...would that person suddenly turn on me and hurt me the way he/she did others?

I see where you're coming from peggy, I struggle with this too. On one hand, I'd like to say God forgives everyone, who am I not to. But I'm human and there are some things, especially if it's too close to home, that I would have a really hard time continuing a friendship with that person without having conflicting feelings that they need to be locked away forever, or wondering if they will do the same to me!

I do agree with what you said about them needing to face consequences at the full retribution of the law.

Knowing myself, I would still want to figure out why he thought what he did was right. And after he justified his actions, which Hitler undoubtedly would, I would explain to him that I could never support him in such attrocities.

But my point is that I couldnt imagine just cutting the person out of my life immediately

And by the way eric, let me ask you what I asked joe.

Would you deal with it differently if you discovered it was your child , parent of family member that was commiting the attrocities?

That's a tough one peggy, like I said in my other post, I would hope I could be all forgiving. As a parent, I would forgive my adult child and try to find compassion. I might even blame myself for something going terrible wrong with them. But I would still want them to face retribution. Same applies to if it were my parent....although this could be a tougher challenge!

It's a good point though. How is it we can forgive our children or parent for horrendous crimes...if we do so....but some how choose to discard others for their crimes?

You can’t move the goalposts now Peggy
The feeling of doing the right thing for the victim would outweigh the feeling of anything else I think.
You or I are not the criminal in this case.

i wouldn't jump to it was false. how ever it would cease to carry weight with me.

and no having it be family would not change my reaction as long as we are talking about just your stated op.

some things are just plain wrong / evil

I understand where you are coming from Igor but for me , I look at it from the perspective that no one owes me kindness or loyalty , so when I get it, Im grateful for it. It doesnt mean I have to be the person's friend , but I would naturally feel inclined to honor their loyalty in some way.even f it means giving them the chance to explain to me why they did what they did and why they thought it was right.

We wont be buddies anymore but Im not sure if I could cut them off altogether either.

I relate to everything you said Pisces. Its obvious that the friendship would be damaged after that, but would that mean a total severing of ties in the aftermath of the awful discovery about them?