My parents advised what they did in their own marriage: “both of you always think about giving 90% to your partner and you both will be very happy.” They meant it’s so important to think about how your partner is feeling, to stand in their shoes, to be giving and compromising, and emotionally generous. That 10% is for the understanding that sometimes it’s also OK to be a bit selfish, to place your needs first, or stand firm on something. They also made clear that this only works if you are both giving 90%.

Giving less than 100% to one's spouse is a good way for one to end up divorced.

I agree with you to a point except on the what you say goes into the 10%. Those items are good but you can still give 100%. Anything less than 100% from either means the marriage is doomed at some point. I am not saying what your parents said is wrong but for me it is 100% or I would be wasting my partners time.

Great advice. I feel chances of success improve if both are thinking genuinely about the OTHER. I do not know about breaking down our lives and efforts into percentages, we have to focus and prioritize different things in different situations. I agree with the underlying theme of how important it is to think about each other though. I would even take it further and say that complete selflessness may be as futile as ignoring your left arm to make the right stronger. I believe we are meant to be a UNIT and should live life considering the 'we' and the 'us' and not the 'them' or the 'me'.

I disagree. I think for ppl from that generation it was the logical thing to do. That generation was more like making things work even when they don't work, divorce is not an option so you have to do whatever to keep things rolling.
I think these days ppl are looking for someone who complements them, I know I am. I want a healthy, interdependent relationship, and giving giving giving and pleasing pleasing pleasing isn't healthy. I don't want my life to evolve around giving to my partner, I want my life to evolve around being happy, growing and learning.
A healthy relationship is about nourishing and supporting each other so you both grow as an individual in the relationship.

Well, I think the whole percentages thing is best thought of as a sort of mathematical symbol for the basic ideas of true commitment to the other, WITH true commitment to one's own principles.

It's one of the most common mistakes, that people find a MODEL or a SIMILE for something important about life, and then get so caught up in studying the MODEL, they forget why they came up with the simile to begin with, and start trying to make reality MATCH the model.
For myself, I would say that a 90/10 split makes no sense at all. I know what they were trying to get at, and I agree with what I am sure their INTENTIONS were, but the model leads in the wrong direction.

I would suggest instead, that a person needs to be 100% themselves, as in know what your principles are, and stick to them. Find a mate with whom you can do so.

ALSO, when you decide to commit to a mate, in any sense resembling a marriage (as opposed to a short term service contract), then you must commit 100%. Note that that does NOT mean to set yourself aside, entirely the opposite in fact.

100% of who you really are, must commit 100% to being with and caring for and living a life with your chosen mate.

What I am sure they were trying to get across, was something more to the effect that it is NOT a positive ideal, so SET YOURSELF ASIDE in order to spiritually BUY your mate.

if one cannot be 100% themselves with a partner then they cannot give 100% to the relationship this is what i get from you igor thanks

Exactly my point! You gotta be yourself and find someone compatible with that. And yes, you commit, but you still shouldn't make the partner the center of your universe.
I also got what was meant, and it was prolly meant well, but sometimes ppl take it on board differently and end up in chit.

.. I always put 90% of myself into everything I do.... if not all of me...lol

I'm disappointed now, No1, only 90%? I'd thought you'd go the extra mile!

I don't think anyone puts 100% into a relationship, especially if you are together for many years. I never heard my parents fight. They were good role models. Yes, they had little disagreements but I never heard them have raise their voices to each other in anger.

Well, no offense, but this is laughable...
Hey wife dial back the tears about 15%!

Hey Hubby increase sex drive by 24.5%!

Hey Wife decrease naggability..(thats right, i said it..its a word now!),, by 75%

Hey Hubby, decrease stupid by 103%!


Op, what are we? Voltage regulators???
You cant dial in any "percentange" on anything, much less a silly concept like, "put in 90% into a relationship". Sadly, i see the future divorce rate of millenial snowflakes, increasing 100%!!!

Look, I'm no relationship expert, and im the last person on the planet to talk to about, what it takes to keep a marriage together....
But this concept YOU are presenting must be a joke!!!!!!!!!

Tell a woman, your going to put in 90% only,,, will get you a kick in the balls, if its something she cares about.

Tell a man, you giving your best 90%, and sure enough, youll be seeing his "late night overtime" going thru the roof, suddenly.

Well, good talk...
:b

sounds like good advice to me.. nothing wrong with that 10%