do not ridicule Lu
not in my thread buster

actually I think I see where you are getting at..addictive personalities

I have a cousin
did I mention substance abuse runs in the family?

anyways she was pretty heavy into drugs in her youth
then drinking in her twenties and thirties
pretty sure most of that past in a daze
then on her third marriage
she decided to quit the booze ( to her credit)
however, I have since witnessed her go gung-ho into religion
quoted scripture all over facebook
do not get me wrong
I am not against anyone finding God
but it is the energy, the zeal..going overboard
more, more, more, more..I see in her that has not changed

no

People are definitely capable of change but its such a long ,arduous PERSONAL (and lonely) journey that many are not able to see it through to the end.

For an individual to change he/she has to

1. internally make a direct co-relation between their current behavior and the misery or loss they or loved ones are experiencing

2. establish their own personal motivation/hunger for changed behavior and results that rival the deep "gravitational pull " inside them towards old lifestyle habits.

3. internally connect with the fact that they have the power of choice to do better everyday rather than giving in to the thought that circumstances or people have robbed them of that choice

4. have the guidance and strength to implement and SUSTAIN new daily systems that activate that life long transformation.

Whether taken in the context of overcoming alchoholism/addictions or any other habits that lead to misery, most of us struggle to attach the UTMOST value , urgency and motivation that it takes to soldier through the process that helps us to achieve the change we seek.

Even when people who love us try to inject helpful strategies or advice into us, it often feels abstract and impersonal to our internal network.

And I actually think the older we get, and the more wired we become in our lifestyle, is the less motivated many people feel to go through the long arduous change process .


So to answer the OP...

Yes. People are capable of change, but many are not SELF-motivated enough to do so.

I also think tht there are some tell-tale signs that might indicate that we are not on the road to lasting change eg An arrogant attitude towards all advice, constant excuses or blaming on others for behavior, the constant refusal to accept any form of help from people who may be qualified to do so, no evidence of a system change in dealing with issues etc. I am not saying that one of these things in the list is a clear indicator ,but perhaps a combo of some of these factors could be a red flag. and yes .There are exceptions to the rules as always.

Great thread Tmom!

Recent research led by a team at the University College London think they have uncovered just how long (on average) it takes for something to become habitual. They do not think it takes 21 days to form a habit. They believe it takes an average of 66 days to create a habit.

just some snidebit I snagged off google

though I suspect for something new to become a habit
actually take much longer

ask yourself
" is what I am doing getting me closer to or further from my goals"

mmmm..great many that realize where they would like to be
but yet continue to choose to be right where they are

Well said Tmom , and again I really think the wall that most of us hit is the part of establishing our own personal motivation/hunger for changed behavior/results that rival the deep "gravitational pull " inside us towards old lifestyle habits.



Think about someone who has been bound and gagged for a week.Even after the rope is removed, think about how hard it is to get up and walk . The pull of the bondage is still there

I think all of us struggle with that in one or more area of our lives. Ultimately the pull of old habits is stronger in our minds than the push of the goal/change we are stretching towards.

Something I learned from working on complex machines for years, and applied to things like developing new (hopefully better) habits, is that a lot of changes we want to make, involve a lot more little steps and details than we might first think. That's why, I suspect, than some habits can be changed more readily than others.

For example, I have frequently had to find a way to make sure I haven't rushed off somewhere without all the bits and pieces and organization I needed to have in place first. It wasn't hard to make a checklist for myself to use. But once I made the list, I found that I also had to do a number of other things, which I only discovered gradually, in order to make the list work.

Such as getting up five minutes earlier in order to read and follow the list. And changing my END of day procedure, to make sure I put the things I needed for the next day, where I'd be able to find them in the morning. And then I had to find ways to make myself tolerate the fact that I DID need to put things in those specific places, and not get angry at my morning self, for cluttering up my evening with new assignments.

And so on. Smokers who want to quit, often find that it isn't even the urge to suck in smoke that is the main problem, it's all the little things that they did to smoke, that they didn't even realize made them feel in control of their lives. Yeah, it's a pain financially to have to buy cigarettes and ash trays and matches and so on, but on the other hand, those tasks provide a portion of time in your life that FEELS good, because you are doing something logical in order to service another part of your life. The psychological loss of a sense of knowing how you are going to spend your time, can be as devastating as losing an old friend that you used to have a regular drink with, or something.