A sort of spin off from what we talked about in the "which is worst" thread.

What I'm referring to with the title, is something I became aware of only by experiencing it myself. Some of us have experiences in life, which at the time, may be upsetting, unsettling, depressing, or maybe even just mildly disconcerting, at the time. But that's only because at the time the incidents or experiences happen, we aren't far enough along in our own conception of the world to really grasp what we are going through.

And then, sometimes YEARS later, we gain some needed insight to be able to look back and discover to our present day horror, that it was all MUCH worse. And we suffer in the now, the fear, the anger, the genuine injury which we would have suffered back when it actually happened, had we known then what we do now.

A small example might be that as a child, we may have witnessed an actual death, but thought at the time that it was just someone falling asleep, or some such. When years later, we chance to stumble back over the memory, we might suffer badly in the here and now, as we did not before.

I'm pointing it out, as something both to allow for in oneself, but also to recognize in others who we care about (or might want to care about). Because there are also other things which can get confused with this, that many people look down on, or are impatient with, or even have good reason to dislike.
It does happen, for example, that we can purposely drag an old hurt along with us, keep the wound open, carry it like a grudge while we seek revenge for it all. Try to make everyone we meet new today, pay the cost of what we had stolen from us way back when. That sort of thing certainly IS something to be recognized and handed back to the people who do it, advertently or not, since it's a useless and self-defeating indulgence.

But it's also true, that we can have old hurts which were like internal injuries not recognized, that later bring us down. Things that we don't realize bother us, until something from long ago is reawakened, because of something that happens today.

Just another thing I'm suggesting we NOT leap to the wrong conclusions about, while trying to find the Nirvana of true love.

I understand just what you are referring to.
I had a lot of resentment built up and wasn't actually aware of it most of my life. It affected me in ways I couldn't understand.
Without something to affix cause and effect onto, I felt just mad at the world, full of spite towards anyone at any given time.

I then faced my own mortality. In dealing with the actual threat to my existence I came to realize that I can never change the past and that while I am alive I need to live in the here and now.

It took a long time to get a handle on this. Faced with way too much time on my hands I reflected on my past and how it drove me to some of the bad things that I was about. I started to allow the past to fade away. Realizing that I am who I am now because of my past and I like the person I am now.

By facing my own demons of the past, both harsh and hidden, I was able to be me in the present. A realization I had a few years back is that I cannot expect from others. Other people are who they are now because of their past. I've learned to try to understand others as they are now, to me.

I also know that even tho I can accept others it doesn't mean I have to favor them. I can understand the need to lie and cheat and do all those things that I loathe. It doesn't mean I want to be with a liar, just that I can understand their ways.

Nobody is perfect. I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I have learned the traits in people that I want near me. Everyone has a bad day from time to time for any number of reasons. It is the baseline that I look for.

I agree with you both Igor and Tom. You should be conscious of people's "triggers" created by past traumas, but we also have to be accutely self aware regarding the ghosts, demons, and baggage of others that we are prepared to take on .And in the reverse,we also have to be aware of the other person's capacity or willingness to deal with our STUFF, which we all have , if we are to be honest with ourselves.

Someone at mingle wisely said that we need to seek people whose demons play well with our own. I find that to be profoundly true.

Excellent.

This is only tangential, but what applies with what I was pointing out here, applies to all understanding. That is, that while it is vitally important TO have a real understanding of oneself, and of others, the understandings and insights only serve to illuminate our reality. They never dictate what a person ought to DO about the reality.

Coming to understand your racial, sexual, class-based or whatever other biases or prejudices you may have, never makes it necessary to accept the next example person of that kind into your life, or to reject them. What it does, is it frees you to make an entirely VALID choice, for REAL reasons, which will make your decisions more accurate, and hence, more successful.

The fact that someone may have long dormant injuries which only now come to light, doesn't mean that we should take them on, in spite of the trouble it is for us. The only thing I do mean for anyone to do with such information, is to keep your own essential self, clear of unnecessary judgmentalism against others.

All of us get "injured," physically and emotionally as we go through our lives. Sometimes those "injuries" make us better, sometimes not, and often, they just make us different than we might have been.

Thank you all for a most interesting and intelligent forum and I'm well in agreement.

I think Life's experiences both positive and negative(the injuries)profoundly shape who we are as individual's. It effects our emotions, our thoughts, our abilities and essentially, to a large part, creating who we are.

What's amazing to me is how those "injuries" can hamper us even after they're identified and how difficult it can be to overcome them. Or should we be trying to? Perhaps, accepting them and working "around them" is the way to go.

Agreeing with all the listed views in this topic.
That being said, I feel a need(?) to relate something that may or may not have a bearing to the topic at hand. Please bear with my jumbled thoughts.

I have a great memory. I have actively and still do seek out ways to improve my memory. I recall being in the womb and things that happened while I was an infant. I really don't care if you believe me or not - it just is.

I don't "block out" my life trama. There is no "uncovering" of my past to surprise me. I "see" my life as a continuos "play".
While I see the events as events I also feel the emotional impacts of those events. I can recall those emotions because I remember experiencing them. I can recall pain because I remember experiencing it.

I realize that not all people have the 'brain training' that I do.
When getting to know someone, I ask questions of them to determine why they have the behavior the have.
I've found that most people have no idea why they do or say some thing. They can't really put a finger on it.
This has lead me to reflect peoples actions and words back to them. I find that when I do that, sometimes they were unaware of what it is they were doing or saying. Tendancies built on hidden stimuli from their past.

We all exist based on our past, present and our expectations of the future. When a past 'event' or memory of an emotional trauma comes to light, it affects how we understand the reality of the moment. It doesn't change reality, just our impression/understanding of it.

When trying to deal with another person it is important to remember that you have never walked in their shoes and never will.
The only thing you can do is either accept or reject their place in your life right now.
You can assess their behavior towards you but you may not fully understand it. You don't have all the information. Its possible, they don't either.

Abuse
It seems most of the people I meet have been abused in one way or another. I guess I am exceptional because I suffered no actual abuse that I don't now understand or accept as a life experience.
The difference is that most can't understand or accept the abuses they endured. That rejection affects how they deal with life in the present, even if they don't realize it.
It 'sways' their perception of life towards the negative.
They are pessive without knowing why.