Here's an Irish one .. just because of St. Patric's Day .. hope dear Irish fellow minglers won't mind ..

--- Brenda Murphy is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Paddy is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda collapsed into a rocking chair. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinnesss Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, we caught him three times, but every time he managed to struggle free .."

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

To start the weekend ..

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage. Sean is really pissed off that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "See it works! .. We didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...
In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking good.
They have just finished their pints ..

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as f*** ..!"

Paddy: "No worries .. let's go home .. I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub anyways .."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each left 5,000 pounds by a rich man on condition that after his death they would each put 100 pounds into his coffin in case he needed it in the afterlife.
The Englishman and the Irishman duly put in their hundred pounds.
The Scotsman took out the 200 pounds and put in a cheque (check) for 300 pounds.

Three guys .. an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. He picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three guys and says: "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish."
Well, an English guy is sick and tired of being on the island, misses his wife and kids, so he wishes to go back home. POOF!!! He disappears.
The Irishman said he, too, is tired of the island, but as he knows his wife is cheating on him, wishes to go right to his mistress. POOF!!! He too disappears. The genie then turns to the last guy and asks him what his wish is.
"Gee," the Scotsman says," Look at all this beauty around .. I've been always dreaming about living in such a paradise, but I'd be awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ..

All good ones, Buzzy

That's funny. Thanks for sharing, they're all great!

That's my favorite joke considering my
Jewish heritage & Background.
Also gives an quite fair inside of why
I left 4 good Israel back 37 years ago.


Creation:...

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches." God continued, "And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants "Jews" and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But," asked Gabriel, "Don't you think you're being too generous to these Jews?" "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."


*********************************************************

Here is another one just for the road and more fun

A Wife's Duty :

Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Excellent! ...

Great punch lines!!!
Good ones, Funzy

The Deserted Island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman,
2 French men and 1 French woman,
2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
2 English men and 1 English woman,
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman,
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman,
2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman,
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman,
2 American men and 1 American woman.

One month later, the following things have occurred....

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two American men have committed suicide.

oh Buzzy, thanks for making me laugh out loud.. still laughing

The Irishmen are so funny

For sale :-
Nearly new set of encyclopedias and Google search,
Just got married and the new wife knows everything!

One more JEWLARIOUS joke

Ops, the link for the pic is working, ( I wasn't sure )
make it 2 more jokes

Home, Sweet Home

A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here NO....!?"





ISN'T THAT TRUE WITH SOME ??...L.M.B.O.

Those are good ones, Funzy .. "I just can't take that chance .."

Now the question is can you spot the Canadian if there were Americans vs Canadians ... ?





Hope they won't delete the second one as inappropriate photo ..

Good one

That's funny! I work at a resort, you can always tell whose from the Northern States or other countries with colder weather.

I SPOTTED the LADY IN SHORTS ??

-20 C is like spring in Ohio