Alright I find myself in predicament a friend asked for advice. Her
ex husband wants to come back after several years of divorce. He is
a beast. Physical mental whole nine. They have a child.

She recently met this awesome guy they are getting along great.
Lots in common, but fairly new relationship. Chemistry good. It is
new none the less.

She is torn between the two, she is not dummy does not want to go
back to Ex because of child. Not sure if he has changed. Does she
move forward with new guy she knows very little about. Or does she
give ex a chance to see if he has changed or is it a mistake?

I do not have any idea what direction to tell her to go. If I tell
her to go back and he has not changed. That would be horribly tragic

What if new guy is the right guy she has waited for. They have so
much in common and seem to be headed in right direction. Then on
the other hand what if ex has changed wants family back.

aaagh there is no right or wrong.. Good friends I do not
want to be the messenger.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO......?????

leopards don't change their spots..
get it?

If it were a friend of mine, I would advise them to not take the ex back. Continue dating the new guy, and tell the ex he had his chance.

Hum this is one of those situations that you will be damned no matter which way you give advice..

Sounds to me she is still in love with him or she would not be reconsidering going back to him.. Those you can not reason with normally..

Myself I would lay out all the reasons why they split and tell her she should really do some soul searching and follow her heart no matter what.. then step back and let her make her own choices letting her know that your friendship will be there if she finds out she took the wrong road..

But anytime a person has doubt they must work it out themselves... I have actually considered going back to a ex bf after some issues even spent the weekend with him, then realized that was not what I wanted after all and ended it.. Walking away with a clear mind knowing I had tried and it would be the last time I walked away..

But then I've never been in a abusive relationship either.. Those are never good and they normally don't change but.... at times I have heard of those that something finally flipped a light on and they did come to their senses and stopped all abuse.. Sure it don't happen often but it does happen at times...

I still say just to sit and listen to her point out all the good and bad for each guy but let her make her own choice... She is the one that has to live with her choice and learn from it...

Consider what advice is - The best action according to the understanding of the situation as you see it. You probably don't know all there is to know about it.

The best advice you can give your friend is for her to think carefully, weigh all the pros and cons of each possible situation, consider the impact her decision will make on her relationship with her child and make the decision she feels is best for her and her child's future.

You can reassure her that you will be there for her no matter what she decides but it is a decision you can't possibly make for her. You are living your life and she has to live hers.

Take care to try not to sway her decision according to your own prejudices. Bad results can ruin the trust she has for you as a friend. If she asks, tell her how you see her when she is with each one. For every three things you see good in one offer three bad as well and vice versa. Advice is best when it makes the advised person think, not to direct an action.

Then tell her that.
Or tell her you can't give her advice, only offer your opinion.


Also, it wouldn't be your responsibility unless she's retarded.
It's ultimately her decision.
Unless she's absolutely stupid? And simply said "I don't no wutz ta do! Yoos tells me wutz ta do and I do dat, Imma two stoopid ta make up my own mind!"

Is she the type of "friend" that likes to be a victim and blame others?
So asks for advice, adheres to whatever validates her victimhood, then holds the advice giver accountable for her actions?


I would want far more information than what's in the OP.

I mean:
"He is a beast. Physical mental whole nine"
What does that mean?
He's physically and mentally abusive?
He looks and thinks like a beast? He's big? Ugly and simple? Smells bad (as part of "whole nine")?


I'd avoid the what if's and just deal with the what is...es.

I'd identify each problem/decision separately.

I'd take into consideration who I know my "friend" to be and what I think they're really asking for.

Never go back, only move forward.

As rustykitty stated a leopard does not change its spots....

I have seen several women go back to abusive men. To only find out they wind up in the hospital again. So chances are she will be in the same old situation.. If not worse..

At least with the new guy there is a chance of happiness...
just my two cents... Now I'm broke..

Thanks for all the great advice. I took from each and everyone. She will ultimately have to make her own mind up. But I do agree with the spots, only look forward, she has to decide for herself. I hope the new guy wins. Just have to wait and see and be there. I do find it hard to support the ex. I have strong opinions in this matter. Life is short everyone should be happy.

~ because it is her life and her mind
~ spots do change look at the chameleon
~ the only sure thing is the present
~ if the 'new guy' doesn't win, will you be dating him?
~ its not really your place to support the X
~ your opinions are always valid, they are your opinions
~ short in comparison to what?
~ what is happy and why must I be happy?

I'm not giving you a hard time I am proving a point. My point is that when you give advice to someone else it can be taken many different ways. A well-meaning phrase can have a different meaning to the person you are advising than what you intended. Be careful.

How well can we ever know the hearts of others? She may be pondering things she has never shared with you or anyone else. To her, those are valid considerations. What you want for her may not be what she wants for herself. Considering that its her life and her choice, what you want is irrelevant.

Ask yourself this:
If she goes back to her X will you still have your friendship as you see it?
If she doesn't will you feel justified?
How vital is her choice to the harmony of your friendship?

My advice to your friend would be this..
Tell her to give her ex-husband one to two months to prove to her that he is worthy of coming back to her..
If he needs to get anger management counseling then he should do that..
He will need to do whatever he has to do to prove to her that he is a changed man...
In the meantime she should continue dating her new boyfriend....
If that grows into something real over the next two months.. then she should stay with her new boyfriend...
If het ex-husband made the changes good for him !..it will only help him better in his life going forward without her...yup.. she does not owe her ex-husband any favors..
Again at the end of the two months she will have a decision to make...
But then she will have all the information she needs... do not put your life on hold while you're waiting for somebody else to decide your fate..