All I can say is this..as a parent we give our kids the tools to live a good healthy life. When they become young adults, they choose the path to take...if its the right path or not, thats really not our decision to make.
Heres the problem, your child is NOT an adult yet. She is not legal age yet...I am telling you now, if you don't stop her and make her mind you RIGHT now~~you have LOTS of problems ahead of you!! All I can say is thank God I was a very strict parent, I think it takes a lot of disiplin in these kids now a days...and lots of patience.
I have a 19 year old that I just sent off to college, he actually just left my house in August. I told him that until he moved out, he had to follow my rules. There at the end we started to fight...but I always won. Why? BECAUSE WHEN MAMAS NOT HAPPY~~NO ONE IS HAPPY!! The only bad thing is, he doesn't really talk to me that much right now...BUT I truly believe when he grows up and has he own children, he will call me and thank me for being a great mom and getting him through everything.
I wish you luck because it is hard raising teenagers in these times. They do have a mind of their own...but you have to have a stronger mind. Don't let them think they control you...you are the one in control!! Take those cigerettes away from her and ground her ass until she can show you that she listens to you. Trust me, my son was grounded for 3 months one time. He never disobeyed me again. They will listen to you IF you show them that you love them enough to make sure that you want what is the best thing for them!!!
Like I said...show them the best way to live, when they are out of your house, then how they choose to live is their decision. But until they move out...make her follow ALL of your rules, that includes NOT smoking!!
Good luck

Wow, I can't thank u all enough for the great advice. I thought I was strict but guess I have to become stricter...I really do appreciate everyones help....

Trust me livn..she will thank you in the end for being a strict mother. She might hate you now, but after she has children, she will look back and say WOW, YOU WERE A GREAT MOM!!

Sounds like it is time to"put her out"....if she wants to live by her own rules...she needs to have her own Place.....or you cut off all non essential items....door on the bedroom....access to a car...paying for anything other than food....

"Adults" that make their own decisions should be own their own....making ALL their own decisions

kick her out!

She can not kick her out!! She just needs to be a little bit more strict on the rules. I think thats what is wrong with our kids today, everyone just wants to get rid of them. They don't want the worry of them...she is her problem!!
I agree though...take away certain rights, no car, no allowances. Hopefully she is working and she is making her own money!! If she is working, I am hoping that you are making her save atleast half of her money...thats what I made my son do. I told him that he does not need a lot of money because thats how kids do get into trouble!!
I do believe that if your kids have a door to the room, it should be open at all times, esp if they have friends over!! You have to watch them, they are sneeky!! When he decided he didn't want to listen and he kept shutting his door, I took it off the hinges. When I say leave the door open...I mean leave it open!!
Don't kick your kids out, you have to show them that you care enough about them to work through this tough time with them. BUT you have to show them "tough love."

an example of tough love is to kick them out....she can do it!...it is not discarding them ...it is not forcing their hand to make some tough choices in their lives....you can not change peoples behavior....you can influence and express your opinion...but in the long run it is their life...not yours

Her daughter is also a minor, what kind of mother would she be? Not a very good one! I think thats the problem with todays kids, not enough people care about them! No, you can't make their decisions for them...but you can make them follow your rules until they move out!!
Be a strict parent and tighten down...trust me, it does work!!

in most states a 17 year old can become emancipated if it the "child's" desire....In this world we can do what ever we want....we just have to understand the consequences...

Thats whats wrong with things today..its to easy to walk away from things!! Why not try and fix the situation? Why would she want to emancipate that child?? You have to be a man to say that!! Good Lord..she is 17, beat that child ass, she is still not to old to get spanked you know!! If you can't spank them, ground them!! Every man says EMANCIPATE them...they are no longer my problem!! That my friend is a bunch of bull****, you made them...you stick with them in good times and bad!!

What does my gender have to do with it??? it is not discarding the problem..if one tries to change the behavior of others...it will only lead to problems in your own life....

All I am saying if she wants to smoke...you can not stop her....and you don't have to tolerate it...it is the 17 year old's choice..don't smoke...live here...decide to smoke...then make all your own decisions...

I honestly believe gender has a lot to do with it...there is no love like a mothers love!! Men just do not have that motherly instinct. Mothers can not emancipate their children, theres just no way!! I have not heard of very many mothers that do that, I am sorry.
Oh I know it does add stress to our lives to try to control the actions of our children...but guess what, that is our job!! It is our job to get them through their younger years and teach them how to be good citizens. I am sure that your mother brought you up and taught you manners.
Then after children turn 18...thats when we start pushing them out the door. If a child is still in school like my son was, they stay home UNTIL they graduate. WHY? Because we are still responcible for them!! That is how it is...they didn't ask to be born...that is my responcibility!! I had him, so I need to raise him!! Not emancipate him!!
Then when he leaves the house, I know I did my job. I made him a good respectable young adult. I gave him the tools to be the man that is a good citizen...if he chooses that path is his decision, my job is done!!

What a sexist attitude. Men don't have a nurturing instinct??! Women do it better????
Very offensive!

your logic then follows that there is no love like a fathers love, as well..it's a yin yang thing ...I guess...
It sounded like she has tried to correct the behavior without the desired results...

Your job is done when they turn 18?????

Look there are no absolutes in life...to generalize in this way does not leave any room for exceptions. Mother's can and do emancipate children everyday!

My parents tried to scare me straight-didn't work. I still smoke and I like it. But my question is-where is she getting the money and who is buying them for her? She's underage. Just curious.

Our job is done at 18 not 17, we can not emancipate our child. Actually in life, our job is never really done. I am learning this now, I still have to do things for my son even though he is in college. Then once he gets out of college...hopefully he will find someone and get married and then I will have grandchildren. Then I will have my grandchildren to take care of...so it is a never ending cycle. So, obviously...its never over until we die!! I was trying to show you that our job is not over until they are 18 and they are legal. Besides...who really wants to lose their children? I believe IF you emancipate your children...you lose their respect because its just like you are giving up on them.
Maybe I do have a sexist attitude...but that is how I feel. I have seen to many men walk away from their chidren and they feel like they can just emancipate them and it will all just go away. Guess what...those children just don't go away!! Those children end up being hurt~~so maybe the people that emancipate them should stop and think about that!!
I just think that if you are a GOOD parent...you don't take the easy way out. You stick with your child...no matter what!! Life is not easy, in fact sometimes it is harder then hell. No one said anything is easy...but you have to show your children how to be responcible!!
If I offended you...I am sorry. I still say, show your child authority and make tougher rules!

Right on! Tough rules...
That was my point....people treat you the way you allow them to treat you...
many tough decisions/choices are made along the way...I was, simply, providing another choice to the mother...she solicited advice...That is a choice the mother must make...

Aside;
What if your son does not want to get married...does not want to have children...what if he is gay?
It appears you have HIS life planned out for him....i hope you are not disappointed, when he lives HIS life the way he wants to....not the way you want him to..

Good Discussion...no hard feelings...I love a good debate!!!
Keep on challenging what you see/read ....good stuff
I don't take it personally...Just love to look at a situation from all angles...

No fate is worse than a life without a love.
- Mexican Proverb

She has 2/3 part time jobs....she is a senior in high school... Works hard, studies hard--top student and president of her class and has been since freshman year. I cannot throw her out..that is not an option for me. Their father more or less has discarded them and I have always been there for her to pick up the pieces. Even tho we don't see eye to eye, she is a teenager and I am her mother and I will send her off to college next year, so that is when she will leave.Overall she is a good kid, just very strong-willed.

good..

At the end of the day if that is the worst thing she is into....you are fortunate and it is a direct result of you awesome skills as a mother...I guess you continue to express your disapproval and tolerate it!!!

Life is filled with difficult decision and for the sake of your own sanity "you must choose which hill you are willing to die on"

as they say...

I know, but I just hate the thought of her and that filthy habit..and wasting the money!!!

My brother tells me "choose your battles wisely"
You will have many battles trust me!! The main thing is you want her to lead a healthy life...smoking is not healthy at all. I think that is one battle that I would be willing to fight.

I do not want to live my life for my son...if he happens to be gay, then I have to accept his lifestyle!! If he doesn't want to get married, thats his choice. We all make our choices...just like I make my own choices. I am now single and I am chosing not to get married again...thats something I have to live with along with them.
I would hope he would want children...they truly are a blessing. But if he decides not to...that is his life. He is 18 and NOW he can make up his own mind...LEGALLY!!!

A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong.
- Thomas Szasz