You see why you are my soul sister B? I totally believe in this philosophy

If one considers ones mate as a part of oneself then it would be a bit like asking if I don't love myself enough should I leave.

My approach would be to find out what they are not getting from the relationship then work out what is best for all concerned.
If my pleasure is dependant on another suffering my pleasure is depleted

This totally ties into what greeneyes was saying about duty and responsibility TMom and I totally understand that commitment is one of the pillars of a successful relationship but for me , I hope for much more. I was in a 10 year relationship. I get that there wont always be passion. I get that mates will piss each other off to the point where they don't even like each other for days, weeks and even months at a time . I get that the responsibilities of paying a mortgage and raising kids, and dealing with sicknesses and aging parents can put your mate on the bottom of your priority lost. Thats a real life relationship to me. Those issues dont sent me into panic mode.
You can still genuinely love your partner and yearn to share your life with them despte all of those challenges.

But the idea of my partner feeling like he can only breathe easy when I leave the house or the country, mortifies me !

And after the kids grow up (which they do) , and you both retire, (which you will), what is the glue that will hold the relationship together? What is there left to come home to?

I understand that some people are just contented to have a body next to them at night and the sound of another peson's breathing and footsteps echoing in the house, but that sounds like a slow death to me.

I need MORE out of my relationship, and I think my mate deserves more too

I think I would do the same if it was evident that they didnt love me or didnt enjoy having me around

Very wise perspective inni dreamz!

I totally agree with you that people give up way too fast on their relationships and certainly trying to keep the family unit together for the welfare of the kids , is a noble goal to work toward, but if the couple has tried everything in their power and the other person feels no real joy in being with the other , I agree they should explore moving on,

And you are also right about the different levels of love, For some , the very act of staying when they are unhappy is the ultimate act of love and I dont have the right to condemn that perception, right?

And taking care of a sick partner to me whether you want to or not is where a sense of duty and concern should take centre focus even if the person is no longer feeling love for the inflicted partner

Sounds like a very wise approach simplycomplicated. And like yoju, I dont want to secure my mate's commitment at the expense of his happiness and fulfilment

I will ask him to leave and keep the house. :)

Well aren't you the sassy one Rosie! I think most people wold want their share of the property :)

The easy and logical answer indeed would be: leave or ask him to leave.
However, things usually aren't black and white in a relationship.
Apart from the practicalities, like a house/mortgage etc., there's also a letting go of comfortable and familiar routines -and I believe a great many ppl stay together because they fear letting go of those-, and also letting go of the partner emotionally.

I've experienced in the past that can still be quite a process in itself, even though you know you don't love them that way anymore.
Depending on context (just dating/having a family together/etc.) it's not only letting go of the partner, but with them a part of your life and hopes and dreams for the future. All that stuff goes through your head before you decide to split up.

I was the one out of love with my ex hubby, and the question that bothered me the most was: "Do I have the right to ruin the lives of 3 other people? Who am I to do that? Can I do that?"
I didn't love him anymore as a partner, but I still cared for him.

Find the another else

I was actually serious, that's the reason I asked 'why ask why?'
Why send a woman away if she wants to stay out of commitment or duty? Aren't those the basis of a marriage? If you have love but no commitment then what's the point?Women often complain about a guy's lack of commitment but it obviously isn't enough, according to the answers in this thread.
I personally wouldn't keep a woman at home, I don't need one, but I can understand that many guys wouldn't have a problem with a woman partner staying on for other reasons than love or romance. As I said earlier, some guys would be perfectly happy with the situation if she was a good cook, great in bed and didn't talk a lot.

I would moved on and pray for a better offer

exactly...20 years of being considered part of the family

his siblings, their spouses

my father in law

my nieces and nephews and my kids

when you are a part of the family you walk away from a lot more than just him...


took me years to get to the point that staying no longer became the better option..

I understand your perspective Crystal.It really isnt an easy decision to make whether you are the person who stops loving your mate or your mate stops loving you :( As you so rightly said, even if the love is dead, the concern doesn't die. No one wants to hurt someone they care about.


And as you and other respondents expressed, there are several things to take into account and several perspectives to view it from..

This topic intrigued me because society often demonizes the person who leaves their partner on the grounds of not being in love , but I started thinking about the alternative. How would I feel about my mate doing the "honorable thing" and staying with me, not out of love, but out of a sense of duty?

Would I feel less wounded if my loveless mate ended the relationship with me on an honest and hopefully kind note? Or if my loveless mate came to see me and our relationship as a job. that only my death would free him from ?

This is obviously a very simplistic way to look at it but I don't want to feel like anybody's job,and especially not the man I love.

But looking at it in it's more complexed state, I could see why someone would focus on the angle of integrity ie the keeping of a commitment, or the emotional welfare of their kids or financial expediency or not wanting to say goodbye to a dream or hello to a future of uncertainty.

So clearly many things have to be weighed.

And I would personally try to do EVERYTHING in my power to revive that love in him before coming to any final resolution. I take relationships way too seriously to give up without a fight.

Many agree with you Syandri

You are right Rooster some men and women really wouldn't mind being in a relationship with someone who didn't love them as long as they were being treated well.

But I have 2 female friends who chose to stay in their relationship out of duty and Ive also met married men on line who stayed for the same reason.
Both my female friends stayed but would tell me that they were hoping everyday that the man would release them so that they wouldnt have to bear the guilt of hurting their mate. They stayed and served faithfully but HATED every moment of it. It was the first time I had gotten to see commitment from a whole new perspective.And I asked myself if I were the guy, would I want the person I love to feel that way about me

And the married men I met online who stayed out of duty chose to cope with their misery by embarking on online affairs , which they defended as being "ok" because they werent having skin to skin contact sex and the wife didnt know about it so there was no way for her to be hurt.

My point is that , not everyone who stays for commitment sake is actually at peace with their decision. For that matter, not everyone who remains out of commitment is actually committed. They just conduct their disloyalty through other avenues.

Also , you seem to be implying that a long term relationship cannot accommodate the elements of love and commitment at the same time. You were not wrong about women wanting commitment but the women I know are desirous of commitment AND love . Why can't they have both?

If I had done all that I could do to salvage the relationship, and failed, I would do the same thing as you Rebecca

It certainly isnt an easy decision to make Tmom. If its not too personal what was the ultimate pro or con that made you decide that staying wasnt worth it , after you had done all you could to save the relationship?

Hi...

HI....