If you adore your mate, but he/she tells you (or you are sensing) that they no longer love you , and they are only staying out of a sense of duty or commitment, would you want them to stay or leave ?

I would never want someone I love to feel tortured by the act of committing to me.

In most cases, I would say leave.

It depends on the situation, however.

How long has this couple been together? How old are they? Are there children involved?

Is this a mid life crisis?

I'm m going through that exact thing right now, I'm not sure her staying would be the right thing to do

Move on . That's what I did now I'm loooking for something better :)

Too vague of question.
Not enough information prefacing it.

Do they want to work on trying to reignite "love?"
Is that why they are telling me this?

Do they not know what they want and are hiding behind the duty and commitment thing to avoid making a decision?

Did this all come out in a fight and they were all "I don't love you! I'm only here because I made a commitment it's my duty to honor!" Implying they don't even like me anymore and resent me?

You say I "adore" them which doesn't necessarily mean I love them.
So is it now just mutual "adoring?"

What kind of relationship do we have? Does it have purpose and meaning, effective communication, where all of my future goals involve them and the relationship, and all my decisions have taken them into account and consideration?



In your scenario, they've already committed.
The act of committing to you isn't torturing them.
It's the lack of motivation to continue living up to the commitment, possibly the lack of reward for living up to the commitment, potentially the availability of better alternatives to living up to the commitment to you, could even be a lack of reciprocal commitment (I mean the only thing I know about them is I "adore" them, which doesn't necessarily mean "love" or even that I'm very good in the relationship), that seems to be torturous.

I can understand why you would not want to make a blanket rule for every couple going through this innidreamz, but whether a guy is with me for 4 years or 40 years, I would not want him to stay with me if he feels no joy in being with me . And if I had kids, I would hate for them to grow up watching us, and feeling like a loveless marriage is acceptable.

I would certainly do my part to see if the love can be revived in him again. ie Ask what his needs are, try to meet those needs , arrange romantic trips , amp up the sex and spontanaeity etc but if he still feels nothing for me , I hate the idea of him feeling trapped and suffocated in an act of obligation to me

Wow.. Thats tough Xray. Im sorry to hear you are going through that :(

It's a very personal decision and I think there are no rights or wrongs here. Just a matter of whatever you and your mate are MUTUALLY prepared to cope with as a couple. I really wish you guys all the best.

Depends if she's a good cook, great in bed and doesn't talk a lot. If she really wants to stay, regardless the reason, why ask why?

Well I'm glad things worked out well for you codi. Cheers!

When I use the term "adore" tom I am implying that the person loves their mate very much, and demonstrating that love in ways that assure their partner that they are loved. But the fact might remain that the mate doesn't requite that love whether they express that sentiment verbally or through uncomfortable silences or long suffering sighs. I think many people can sense when someone doesn't love them.

And if that is the case, you and your partner can choose to mutually work on reviving the love in the person who no longer feels it.

But if after all that , the person STILL doesnt feel that love and intimacy towards you, do you still want them to stay, if it is only out of a sense duty on their part?

Ps: And I know everyone will have their own views on this, but I can not see a person feeling like their best self if they are bound to their relationship by duty ALONE, with NO LOVE.

I admire them for being noble and making the offer, but no thanks. I think the price is too high to pay in the long run

leave

The simple answer is to say.. leave. But that is not always easy to do. There are cases where duty and responsibility do play a role.

Its not always clear cut.

set it free.
if it comes back, it's yours.
if it doesn't, it never was.

funny...see now that mad rush of 'faling in love' at beginning of a relationship...is not love

sometimes, it may only be lust

some are actually addicted to that brand new just falling in love feeling


love matures over time


two shall become one

set up a household

buy things like a wafflemaker and guest towels

then the kiddos come along

then you have things like a mortgage and college savings plan



committment and duty are in that mix somewhere for all couples

Topic: what if you love someone but they don't love you ...?

I would leave them...

I was thinking, if the couple had been together for a long time and had kids, it's certainly worth a shot to try and make it work. I agree, that if there really is no love left on one side or the other - eventually, it will not work. I do think people give up too fast sometimes.

Also - if you've been married for 50 years, and one person is ill, the other person should stand by them - I think. If I'm the one who is sick, and he leaves me like that, after all those years! - When I die, I'm coming back to haunt his arse.

Seriously tho -- There are various levels of love, and every situation is unique. I can certainly see your point of view in this.

I suspect you were joking rooster but you actually make a very good point here.

Your statement reminded me that for some, the romantic "airy-fairy " notion of love has no real substance or credibility in a committed relationship anyway . And in that line of thinking, receiving consistent acts of service whether it is motivated by genuine caring or a sense of duty is all that really matters to them in a committed relationship. And to be fair, everybody;s relationship needs are different, and everyone is free to do what feels right and comfortable for them :)

I would wan them to do the same thing SDSCFof 2

I totally agree greeneyes that it is not always easy with the complications of co parenting , financial obligations and even caring for ailing in-laws in the mix. Im just saying that my preference would be for them to leave, if it can be done. But I can understand why many people would want and need their mate to stay.

What I have noticed about many of the people that stay though is that they cease to work on the relationship and consider it commendable enough to just exist around the house with no real engagement or effort to make the relationship better. Im not a big fan of that option either