“Floating”

I close my eyes and can see the waves.
It is something that deep down my body craves.
It is so crystal clear and blue.
What a wonderful view.
As if I’m floating on air.
It’s so different I can not compare.
The feelings it gives me and what it does.
I can not think straight my mind seems to be in a fuzz.
But as I’m floating here I feel so calm.
The water feels against my body like a feather palm.
Lightly it slowly moves from the tip of my head to my toes.
Just the feel of the way the water against my skin as it flows.
It feels so soft and peaceful as I lay here.
This place so peaceful and quiet nothing to fear.
A place we all at one time or other seek.
It surely is a place that is so unique.
Were life is and time are sitting still.
Were all your dreams will be at will.
Given to you within the moment all you have to do is reveal.
What you want and it will become real.
If life was that easy and things really happen that way.
But we all know it would have to be a miracle at play.
Or could this really be true.
This place that I have found could it be a break through.
Within time that no one has found.
Instead of floating could I be on solid ground.
Instead of water could it be instead all around me air.
And what I feel is tender loving care.
Given freely from hearts I did touch.
At the time it did no seem like much.
But within time just a little goes a long way.
So never fail to say a kind word or jester to someone each day.
For in the end what you will receive.
Is beyond a feeling most will ever achieve.
It is as if you’re floating on air.
There is nothing in this world that can compare.


K.L.M
11/12/2007

If I am not mistaken, this is a moral poem advocating kind behaviour in this present life. The supposition, I gather, is that the good will one generates in others through one's earthly actions will support one's wellbeing in the hereafter.

It's a pleasant read, but I'm afraid that it could use a lot of polish. Your rhymes seem rather forced. Your word choice is always comprehensible, but it feels as though you sometimes sacrifice IMPACT to maintain your rhymes.

You also need to work on the poem's scansion. The cadence is difficult to discern or even nonexistent in some places. A phrase like "seems to be in a fuzz" almost always has poor rhythm.

You also have to be careful with constructions like "The water feels against my body like a feather palm." Ordering the words in this way allows you to maintain your rhyme scheme and metre somewhat, but the awkward construction draws the reader's attention and makes the rhyme and metre seem inorganic to the poem.

Wow it surprise me that you did not catch on this sentance it should have read


At the time it did (not) seem like much.

INTSTEAD OF

At the time it did (no) seem like much.


OHHH and by the way this is not Eglish 101 you can take my poems any way you want too but you dont have to analyze them to understand them.

Texas, keep writing darlin, I know what you're sayin............

ephraim, deviantart is another web site if your goal is to help others perfect their craft. Otherwise, you may want to ask before you offer your advice. I'm thinkin' you might keep your proverbial head longer that way.

heheheheheh thank ya girl just made me laugh being sick for a week now I have not done that much ya just too good to be true hehehehehehe Maybe I was a tad harsh on the lad

Hell woman, you never even cracked the whip let alone reached for the rope

awesome as always

((((( puddin Cup ))))) Love you