Actually, your bitterness metre would make a wonderful new discussion thread Igor . It makes sense, and I think people would add a number of other bitterness indicators as well

I agree with introspective breakdown of everything, but at some point , I also think that a bitter person has to get out of their head, at some point, and allow themselves to FEEL... not the visceral reaction of bitterness, but the more vulnerable feelings like sadness, disappointment etc, thats at the root of the bitterness. Grief needs a healthy outlet. Its all part of the recovery process I think.

Sounds great Candiapples , but I suspect its not as easy as you mage it sound

I know..I know. I have practiced this for a very long time and I do know that if you do not let go immediately and if you keep on focusing on the pain....it prolongs it and sometimes intensifies it.

I don't buy into this psychological crap about working it out slowly. That's just slow torture to me.

You never really leave it behind, because like all of your life experiences, it becomes a part of who you are.

But you don’t have to let it rule your existence.

Keep your brain busy with things that really interest you.
Keep your body busy by moving it—chores, exercise, recreation, whatever.
Keep your heart busy by socializing with people you like, and who like you.
Keep your soul busy by helping others… and spirituality, if you’re into that.

It won’t be long before you’ll wake up one day and realize you haven’t even thought about THE BAD THING (whatever it may be) for quite a while.
And as time passes, it becomes less and less important... until it is just another page in the book of your life.

It becomes part of you yes
What doesn't kill you..makes you stronger.

Holding on to bitterness will literally cause dis-ease at some point.

Well said whereforand why! And welcome to the forum

I actually saw that happen to a friend of my family. Everyone agreed that her bitterness led her yo an early grave. We may not all have the capacity to release bitterness immediately but I agree with you that it is in our best interest to release it sooner than later :)

Yes I believe that's also what happened to my daughter which is one reason why I'm careful.
If I hold anger in for too long (rarely anymore) and finally explode, I seriously feel really sick for a week.

I think we still could do with more clarity as to exactly what each of us are, and are not talking about.

Not being critical of anyone at all, I have seen good comments and observations all around. But it seems to me, that there really are different things being referred to, as though they are all one.

I think there's a difference between someone who has made up a specific negative rule for themselves, for example, and someone who instead suffers from fears left behind after an emotional injury. Both get accused of exhibiting "bitterness," because they react badly or negatively to some subjects, and/or fence themselves off from certain risks or experiences. Each would require a different "solution."

In addition, I have myself found on more than one occasion, that although I have long done my best to let the past remain in the past, and to will myself to heal, and to rebuild my cheerfulness, that some emotional experiences really are like physical injuries, and covering them up and waiting for them to fade away on their own, doesn't work.

Putting the bad things out of ones head, busying oneself with the rest of life, and building new and better friendships are certainly positive things to do. But there are experiences which are not erased or eased by time, or by refusing to recall them.

Some emotional experiences can be like like proverbial "old war wounds," which in the movies, the old soldiers complain about and re-suffer, when the weather gets cold and damp. People who have not been through such things, can never really appreciate what those who have, understand.

I'm not posting this thought to suggest that any of us wail and gnash our teeth in despair, I'm posting it to gently point out from yet another angle, that there are things that people can appear to be "bitter" about, which really don't qualify. Someone who loses a leg, isn't "bitterly" refusing to continue playing jump rope with you.

I had a relative that was completely broken after her divorce. She was long past the bitterness stage of her journey and was just in a state of grieving and hopelessnness, and distrust.

Fast forward to 3 years after that , when she found a new bf who loved her in the way she always dreamed. I saw her blossom into the most confident, glowing and serene person during that relationship, to the point where she actually became friends with her ex who had cheated on her multiple times.

She actually explained to me that the love she received made her feel healed in some places of her that she thought were forever broken. I ve heard a few very spiritual people sharing a similar experience from what they perceived to be a divine encounter.


I can't explain how some broken people reach to that place and others either don't or cant, but at the end of the day, all a person can do is THEIR BEST in remaining open to the good and to the possibility that surrounds them in life. We really shouldnt demand more than a person's best.

This is easier said but some people rely on their significant other too much to make them happy. Sure we all can be very hurt by another's actions but it takes longer to heal when a person expects them to bring their happiness.

I totally get what you are saying and I am not suggesting in any way that people should look towards a new relationship as their salvation. My relative was not even looking for a relationship actually.

An old friendship that she had just serendipitously evolved into a romantic relationship and her healing was a fringe benefit. My relative isnt even in that relationship anymore but she still feels the spill-over healing effect from it till this day.

For some people love heals them, for some it's their spirituality or religion. For some it might a near death experience or tragedy that puts everything into perspective.

But I totally agree with you that no one should depend on another person to heal them , and my relative certainly wasn't. All she did was open herself up when love appeared. If a person while rooted in WISDOM, can find it in themselves to receive whatever goodness is around them, whether it be romantic love, or a friendship, or spirituality or nature etc then its a step in a positive direction I would imagine

Sorry Peggy..I wasn't implying anything about your relative. In general some people (maybe too many) have a hard time dealing with a broken relationship because they depended on that person to be their happiness.

Feeling bitter about things is not a lot of fun so early on I learned to try as many coping skills as I could muster to avoid that feeling. Like jealousy it seemed like a wasteful emotion.

I also learned that if I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired that my perceptions were usually much more off kilter so I would try to HALT in my tracks and compartmentalize my feelings until I had corrected the deficiencies that made making appropriate responses more manageable.

I think a certain degree of bitterness is part of the learning curve when we live life and if you take it as therapeutic medicine in the right doses it helps us learn from our life experiences weather they were choices or just the "stuff" that happens if you live long enough.

Most all of us get short changed, lied to , cheated on, forgotten, hurt, taken advantage of; what ever the negative you want to name if you live long enough.

I chalk it up to two things:

First, Life is an Adventure;

Second, in Living Life some things are supposed to hurt.

eldar