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| Topic: Relationship Rules with Friends Of The Opposite Sex ? | |
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? Well for me to consider someone a partner that would likely be a spouse or very near to that status so I would consider us not as separate people but as a union and and "our" friends/family would be "our" friends/family regardless of the the sex. Generally they would be of interest and importance to both of us but I would expect some seperatness and not be that freaked out by it. Someone has already mentioned if I could not trust a partner I would not be with them and that is definitely my thinking. . What it would all boil down to is respecting each other. Neither of us would do things that would violate our relationship either in action or appearance because it would just be respectful and honoring their dignity but also our own. It is not that hard to have friend of the same sex but have limits of intimacy which would include not being alone in a private place. It won't stop all gossip or trouble makers who like to instill doubt but a gun is fairly homeless with no access to ammunition. Does that mean I never had to tell a friend that I had adapted boundries? No. When I married I told all my friends/family that there were no secrets from my spouse and I have every reason to believe he did the same. There were a few that resented that but my attitude is OH Well Hel-. I may have had it easier since I have many same sex friends but my friends have never been my lovers and and never would be. Just like my GLBT friends. If a person is insecure where are you going to draw the line? If I break up with and Ex Lover then it is totally over; no after friendship exists. eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? No. One because I have never seen social media as solely a "manhunt". And since I keep my private life very private I could be very seriously involved even married to someone and the general public would not know it. Maybe if they kept trying to hook up and struck out they would figure it out but not like I have ever needed to stake out my territory or found it complimentary if someone else saw the need to. I am not property. And no offense to those who feel otherwise I think bragging that you have a partner is kind of crass. More power to those who have been lucky and blessed with a partner and worked hard enough to make it happen but I see it like anything else I am blessed with; I treasure it but I don't need to rub anyone else's nose in it. When I have a spouse they know my passwords so it is not like they can't just look. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? I alluded to the illusion of respect and why above. Occasionally it will happen but it is something I just would avoid not because I had to but because I wanted to. Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? No but then I find it annoying to have to respect a caller by trying to be silent rather than disrupt the conversation with background noise. Generally my partner and myself would take some conversations to another room out of respect for the other's comfort. If it was a conversation that I should be included in the phone would be on speaker so it would not have to be relayed. I generally loath pages, texts, and phone calls on face value as 99% of the emails I get as a time waster and and invasion of privacy/ relationship time; which was often limited so prized so was not unusual for home to be a media free zone. Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? Has nothing to do with the opposite sex but no because a true friend does not rule by time on a clock. That said a ture friend would not often abuse that privilege. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? No I trust my mates. And I do not have to think for my mate. OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? No if I did not like his personality traits and habits he would not be my mate. And no I do not punish the gift of the present and the future with the sins of another in the past. And I have enough of my own sins with out being punished for someone else's. Since cheating has never been a sin of mine I sure am not going to be punished for the potential of something happening that I have no track record for. So mutual trust, respect, transparency, and compatability of values seem to govern you and your mate's rules of engagement for friendships with the opposite sex. Sounds very healthy to me.  I also agree with you that your friends should respect the boundaries you set as a result of your relationship. One on one meetings with friends in a public setting may not be a bad guideline for couples to adopt if both are comfortable with it. The blending of each other;s friends may not be possible for many couples. I think sometimes . the friends of each individual couple are so incompatible that it is often better to keep them as separate entities. But of coure it all depends on the nature of the couple and what makes them comfortable :) |
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? No need to deactivate, but if he has an awful lot of female friends, I do find it suspicious and I will not appreciate it. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? Yep Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? Yep. If he has secrets to keep, and needs to leave the room frequently. .. not good! Been there before. Never will put myself  through that again. Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? Yes. But in general you don't call ppl in the middle of the night. Common decency as far as I'm concerned. If women phone him late at night, he has some explaining to do. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? Yes, I generally don't want my partner to have female friends. I personally find it weird if a guy hasn't got mates. Blokes to do bloke things with. OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? Yes to all. My ex had NO male friend whatsoever, only women. And most of those contacts were flirty, very sexual, and with some he had had sex. I will not ever go there again with a man. If a guy needs female company and I'm not enough, sod him. To be honest, I find it weird if a man needs female company, apart from a partner. If he needs to be around other women a lot, he's going to have to do it without me in his life. Not my kind of guy. This reinforces the point I've been making in this thread Crystal. It;s all well and good for people to promote ideals of freedom and trust in a relationship. However the game changes a lot when one's trust has been betrayed in the past. No one wants to be stiffled, but in some cases trust may have to be rebuilt from scratch, which requires some sensitivity. i respect you for being clear about your boundaries, Too many lie about it to appear cool Yeah, but for me it's more than what happened with my ex, although that is part of it of course. But I really don't get the need to have friends from the other sex. Personally I think it has to do with finding a new balance in the female/male principle, which is happening globally, and both individually as in society. You can see among youngster that they deal with this differently from us. Many/most have friends among the other sex. But I still think this will balance itself out at some point. I think it's just part of discovering if and how that would work. And what I see when these youngsters reach the age of approx. 22-25, is that they still are in touch with those friends from the other sex, but they're not that close anymore, and once they're in a relationship, it will either stop or become superficial contact only. And many of those 'friendships' with the other gender were sexual at some point, or came close to it. And that is exactly my problem with it. There is always sexual tension between the sexes. Unless one of them is gay, which energetically puts them in the same sex category. The big question I got is: if you are happy with who you are, happy with your partner, WHY do you still need contacts with sexual tension and innuendo? Why don't you prefer hanging out with same sex friends with whom you can share similar interests? Women have different tendencies from men, you cannot find what you get from gal pals from a guy. It's not the same thing. A guy cannot ever understand what it is like to have a hormonal cycle, why you'd prefer tampons over sanitary things, or that breaking in a new bra just bloody sux. We simply are from Venus and they are from Mars, in spite of many women acting as if they're Martians and men acting as if they're Venusian. I think it's all just part of the big re-balancing act between the masculine & feminine principle. And in the end we will go back to being Martian & Venusian, but with a new found respect for and acceptance of one another. Until that time, I just want a Martian who likes to hang out with other Martians, and maybe drool over the occasional Venusian they see when they're out and about. I can live with that. But a Martian who's talking Tampax with other women, not so much, lol. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 05/19/16 05:52 AM
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? No need to deactivate, but if he has an awful lot of female friends, I do find it suspicious and I will not appreciate it. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? Yep Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? Yep. If he has secrets to keep, and needs to leave the room frequently. .. not good! Been there before. Never will put myself through that again. Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? Yes. But in general you don't call ppl in the middle of the night. Common decency as far as I'm concerned. If women phone him late at night, he has some explaining to do. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? Yes, I generally don't want my partner to have female friends. I personally find it weird if a guy hasn't got mates. Blokes to do bloke things with. OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? Yes to all. My ex had NO male friend whatsoever, only women. And most of those contacts were flirty, very sexual, and with some he had had sex. I will not ever go there again with a man. If a guy needs female company and I'm not enough, sod him. To be honest, I find it weird if a man needs female company, apart from a partner. If he needs to be around other women a lot, he's going to have to do it without me in his life. Not my kind of guy. This reinforces the point I've been making in this thread Crystal. It;s all well and good for people to promote ideals of freedom and trust in a relationship. However the game changes a lot when one's trust has been betrayed in the past. No one wants to be stiffled, but in some cases trust may have to be rebuilt from scratch, which requires some sensitivity. i respect you for being clear about your boundaries, Too many lie about it to appear cool Yeah, but for me it's more than what happened with my ex, although that is part of it of course. But I really don't get the need to have friends from the other sex. Personally I think it has to do with finding a new balance in the female/male principle, which is happening globally, and both individually as in society. You can see among youngster that they deal with this differently from us. Many/most have friends among the other sex. But I still think this will balance itself out at some point. I think it's just part of discovering if and how that would work. And what I see when these youngsters reach the age of approx. 22-25, is that they still are in touch with those friends from the other sex, but they're not that close anymore, and once they're in a relationship, it will either stop or become superficial contact only. And many of those 'friendships' with the other gender were sexual at some point, or came close to it. And that is exactly my problem with it. There is always sexual tension between the sexes. Unless one of them is gay, which energetically puts them in the same sex category. The big question I got is: if you are happy with who you are, happy with your partner, WHY do you still need contacts with sexual tension and innuendo? Why don't you prefer hanging out with same sex friends with whom you can share similar interests? Women have different tendencies from men, you cannot find what you get from gal pals from a guy. It's not the same thing. A guy cannot ever understand what it is like to have a hormonal cycle, why you'd prefer tampons over sanitary things, or that breaking in a new bra just bloody sux. We simply are from Venus and they are from Mars, in spite of many women acting as if they're Martians and men acting as if they're Venusian. I think it's all just part of the big re-balancing act between the masculine & feminine principle. And in the end we will go back to being Martian & Venusian, but with a new found respect for and acceptance of one another. Until that time, I just want a Martian who likes to hang out with other Martians, and maybe drool over the occasional Venusian they see when they're out and about. I can live with that. But a Martian who's talking Tampax with other women, not so much, lol. I see your point Crystal . It all comes down to a person's personality,values , lifestyle and what their emotional needs are. An example of personality and lifestyle factoring in for example is a scenario like mine. I have friendships with both male and females that have spanned one and even 2 decades. They have been loyal to me during romantic failures, sickness, unemployment etc , never once taking advantage of my vulnerability. At this point they are like family to me. I would not dream of releasing a friend like that just to please my mate. I would conduct myself differently with my friend ...maybe limit the occasions I meet with him one on one , maybe meet him in only public places and always let my mate know if I am.hanging with him. But I would never drop a loyal friend for a mate unless he was doing something to sabotage my mate or my relationship with my mate. In fact I would not even date a man who would try to force me to give up loyal friends who have not posed a threat to me , him or our relationship. And in turn I would never ask him to give up a loyal respectful friend for me either. I have chosen friends who have in fact respected my relationship boundaries and I hope to choose a partner who has chosen friends like that as well and I trust both of us tto cut off friends who arent respectful of our union. I also raised the issue of needs being a factor in opposite sex friendships but the dynamic works for same sex friendships as well. I dont choose friendships based on gender anymore than I base them on race or looks. I base them on character and personalty. And there are some friends both male and female who possess traits that I require, but am hard pressed to find them in other people. Your mate never has a 100% of all you need. You wont possess all of what he needs either. So to me its not strange to think that he would embrace those qualities in someone else if you lack them,and vice versa . ...But there are just boundaries that should be observed to minimise the threat of the friendship crossing mutually defined lines. |
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Edited by
Scoobert
on
Thu 05/19/16 06:08 AM
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? Don't cheat on me. eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? No, I don't need them to deactivate from their social media accounts, even if I had a girlfriend use Facebook as a way to communicate to the guy she cheated on me with. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? No, because if this were to happen, obviously I have trust in my significant other. Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? No, because I do the same a lot to not interrupt or if I'm trying to plan a surprise. Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? No, but it seems it's more texts than calls now a days...lol! Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? No, I don't, but always nice if she would let me know. OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? My experience is to have some trust, or get out, if the trust can't be expounded upon. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Thu 05/19/16 12:14 PM
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I am 75% with you on the trust concept scoob.
I dont believe that anyone can be trusted 100% where cheating is concerned. I believe that NOBODY on the planet is invincible or immune to cheating, which is why I personally put boundaries on myself to minimize the chances of me falling into the trap. Its not because I consider myself weak in that area . Its because I believe that humanity is frail and I have no desire to test exactly how frail it is  I have known way too many cheaters whose affair started off seemingly innocently. The road to infidelity in many cases is paved with frequent one on one encounters with colleagues or friends without boundaries. I do want trust in my relationship from both of us, but I dont ever want to confuse trust with being naive or reckless |
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