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| Topic: Relationship Rules with Friends Of The Opposite Sex ? | |
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Relationship Rules with Friends Of The Opposite Sex ?
Are organic and defined by the interaction which defines the relationship, or it won't work. What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex?
I don't have guidelines for their behavior. I either accept their behavior, tell them how it affects me and let them decide how important it is to them, or I leave if it bothers me that much and they don't seem to care. Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all?
No. But if I want to go do something with them, or talk to them, or spend time with them, and they continuously blow me off for "social media" then I'm probably not going to be sticking around for very long. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one?
I don't date people that hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one. So would never have a partner that did. If while we were "partnered" and they started hanging out one-on-one with a "friend" of the opposite sex then I would reassess based on the situation. Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ?
Only if we're in the middle of a conversation or sex or something directly interactive and she's not expecting a call from work or someone sick. Otherwise I'd take it as kind of respectful as I'd probably be reading or watching something and wouldn't want to be disturbed with her conversation. Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease?
No. I'm not their parent. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex?
Only if it interferes with our plans. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share?
The only guidelines I'd ever have would be expectations based on experience with their consistent behavior over time. Going into a relationship with rules and guidelines for their behavior and their relationships with others turns me into their daddy or the relationship into some kind of dom/sub thing. It makes it my relationship that they're helping me fulfill by living up to my guidelines instead of our relationship. That way is guaranteed to fail. Most people have expectations of their partners ciretom, whether they are communicative of them or not. When communicated, some may call those expectations guidelines or boundaries when it is addressing rules of engagement with the opposite sex. But I do like your attitude about clearly disclosing to your partner your expectation for her to shun all one on one interactions with male friends. I also like your principle about deciding to accept a person for who they are or making the conscious decision to release them rather than keep them and frustrate them by trying to force change upon them. Its a torturous thing to do to someone I think. |
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When you find a new friend you would usually run into and be introduced to their friends.. It would be simple to warm up to their friends and figure out their different dynamics. If there was a sexual dynamic going on between your new friend and his, I would wonder what am I?? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer .... Hi Kitty 
If you return to this thread , could you please explain what you mean? I think I am misunderstanding what you are saying 
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In theory I agree with everything you say here Doug, The challenge is that too many people in order to not appear possessive or "psycho". end up being downright dishonest about the boundaries that matter to them , and then they end up resenting and punishing their partner for crossing their boundaries, which they never clearly itemised in the first place.  Well said, Peggy. |
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What is with these restrictions? Guidelines, are you loving a person or making them your slave? She is a privilege in my life and I am lucky enough that she loves me out of millions of guys around. Love is not a shackle which makes you an owner of someone, it is a respect which you got from another human. I want to be the person she likes to be with not someone she has to be with. As they say let her free and if she really loves you at the end she will be yours else she was never yours. cheers This thread is not telling people what boundaries they should or should not put on their relationship Jimmy. It is just addressing the reality that most people do have boundaries which they hope their partner does not cross . This thread is just a discussion of what are some of the boundaries that people personally set in their relationships. 
You also have to remember that for victims of infidelity, those boundaries are likely to become stricter in their new relationship as a result of fear. That may be a healthy or unhealthy thing , but for many it is their reality and it must be approached with some degree of sensitivity by the new partner I think, And yes. I fully agree with you that people should be in a relationship because of a loving choice and not because they feel obligated with a lot of rules |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Mon 05/16/16 05:26 PM
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? Well let's see if we are a couple then No sharing of body fluids period... Trust has to be there. eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? Not at all.. I have life long friends that are male and female and I would hope he does also... This to me sounds very very insecure. And portrays some bigger issues in the relationship if either person did this Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? No because, that to me is the polite thing to do. I do that now with my roommate. Now if he did it with only one person then I might raise an eyebrow this would really depend on the person and what is going on that persons life [quote Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? Calls stop when we have quality time together but my job when I am on call, my phone can ring all night long and that can be tough it really depends on what is happening with the caller. IF it is a crisis then take it and help. Now if it is trying to decide what to wear to work tomorrow no not going to happen OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? I think for me to have such control over anyone would be strangling.. I have offered to share my passwords to anything I have because I have nothing to hide. That is just me.. I believe when you have a relationship it has to be based on mutual respect and trust. I couldn't see myself being with someone this controlling nor could I see myself as this controlling I would run... I'm with you on this Sitka. I LOVE freedom and transparency for both him and myself, and I would not choose to be with anyone who was more inclined to a suspicious personality. I dealt with that prison before, I'm not doing that again
But again, for people who have been cheated on , some sensitivity may be required by their partner. |
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When I am in a relationship I like to give myself totally to that person, if there is a problem I want to discuss it and explain how I feel but if my mate is having a problem with me hanging out with a female friend or a person on my facebook page I would probably give in and stop it and focus on my relationship.
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I'm with you on this Sitka.
I LOVE freedom and transparency for both him and myself, and I would not choose to be with anyone who was more inclined to a suspicious personality. I dealt with that prison before, I'm not doing that again whoa But again, for people who have been cheated on , some sensitivity may be required by their partner. To a point... I totally believe in transparency... I believe in giving my all to my love... with that comes me in all degrees. So therefore I will not pay for the sins of another. I don't cheat and I won't pay the price for a cheater either. IF he loves me he has to know me and with that comes knowing my core values. I am one that really doesn't suffer jealousy.. I don't I did in my 20's and it drove me nuts. Now if I have to be jealous then I am the one with the problem. And time to say good bye... |
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? No need to deactivate, but if he has an awful lot of female friends, I do find it suspicious and I will not appreciate it. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? Yep Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? Yep. If he has secrets to keep, and needs to leave the room frequently. .. not good! Been there before. Never will put myself  through that again.
Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? Yes. But in general you don't call ppl in the middle of the night. Common decency as far as I'm concerned. If women phone him late at night, he has some explaining to do. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? Yes, I generally don't want my partner to have female friends. I personally find it weird if a guy hasn't got mates. Blokes to do bloke things with. OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? Yes to all. My ex had NO male friend whatsoever, only women. And most of those contacts were flirty, very sexual, and with some he had had sex. I will not ever go there again with a man. If a guy needs female company and I'm not enough, sod him. To be honest, I find it weird if a man needs female company, apart from a partner. If he needs to be around other women a lot, he's going to have to do it without me in his life. Not my kind of guy. This reinforces the point I've been making in this thread Crystal. It;s all well and good for people to promote ideals of freedom and trust in a relationship. However the game changes a lot when one's trust has been betrayed in the past. No one wants to be stiffled, but in some cases trust may have to be rebuilt from scratch, which requires some sensitivity. i respect you for being clear about your boundaries, Too many lie about it to appear cool |
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What is with these restrictions? Guidelines, are you loving a person or making them your slave? She is a privilege in my life and I am lucky enough that she loves me out of millions of guys around. Love is not a shackle which makes you an owner of someone, it is a respect which you got from another human. I want to be the person she likes to be with not someone she has to be with. As they say let her free and if she really loves you at the end she will be yours else she was never yours. cheers Thats very true sybarytic guy
The more people realise that they can not possess anyone , and that is better to release someone who does not want to be with you , is the more they will be liberated from debilitating fear of infidelity in relationships. |
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In theory I agree with everything you say here Doug, The challenge is that too many people in order to not appear possessive or "psycho". end up being downright dishonest about the boundaries that matter to them , and then they end up resenting and punishing their partner for crossing their boundaries, which they never clearly itemised in the first place.
Well said, Peggy. Thank you Maxstersx
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Mon 05/16/16 06:39 PM
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When I am in a relationship I like to give myself totally to that person, if there is a problem I want to discuss it and explain how I feel but if my mate is having a problem with me hanging out with a female friend or a person on my facebook page I would probably give in and stop it and focus on my relationship. And I respect that jacktrades. 
But there is a difference between making a few adjustments in order to put your mate's mind at ease, and another thing altogether to be increasingly cutting off parts of your life because EVERYTHING arouses suspicion in your mate. If the only way to facilitate the fulness of your mate's happiness,is by chopping off half of yourself, or half of your life,then maybe that partnership is fundamentally flawed at its base. Ideally we should be loved and accepted by our partner for who we are , and not necessarily for all the parts of our lives we are willing to dispense for them. I could be wrong, but that is my personal take on it. |
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When you find a new friend you would usually run into and be introduced to their friends.. It would be simple to warm up to their friends and figure out their different dynamics. If there was a sexual dynamic going on between your new friend and his, I would wonder what am I?? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer .... Hi Kitty
If you return to this thread , could you please explain what you mean? I think I am misunderstanding what you are saying
well, if you mean the part of keep your friends close and your enemies closer? if you are new in a relationship and meeting his friends and noting the dynamic between him and say a (girl)friend.. get to know this (girl)friend, even though you are suspicious of their dynamic.. and over time, the true relationship shall be revealed...warm up to this girl and talk will develop.. does that help? |
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I'm with you on this Sitka.
I LOVE freedom and transparency for both him and myself, and I would not choose to be with anyone who was more inclined to a suspicious personality. I dealt with that prison before, I'm not doing that again whoa But again, for people who have been cheated on , some sensitivity may be required by their partner. To a point... I totally believe in transparency... I believe in giving my all to my love... with that comes me in all degrees. So therefore I will not pay for the sins of another. I don't cheat and I won't pay the price for a cheater either. IF he loves me he has to know me and with that comes knowing my core values. I am one that really doesn't suffer jealousy.. I don't I did in my 20's and it drove me nuts. Now if I have to be jealous then I am the one with the problem. And time to say good bye... As someone who paid the price for someone else's fidelity , I totally relate to all you are saying here, and ultimately we have the right to distance ourselves from that kind of energy if it is toxic to us. However if someone wants to at least try to built back a suspicious person's trust with a lot of reassurance and giving up a few things, then I wont condemn them for trying , It;s just not something I have much faith in. |
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When you find a new friend you would usually run into and be introduced to their friends.. It would be simple to warm up to their friends and figure out their different dynamics. If there was a sexual dynamic going on between your new friend and his, I would wonder what am I?? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer .... Hi Kitty
If you return to this thread , could you please explain what you mean? I think I am misunderstanding what you are saying
well, if you mean the part of keep your friends close and your enemies closer? if you are new in a relationship and meeting his friends and noting the dynamic between him and say a (girl)friend.. get to know this (girl)friend, even though you are suspicious of their dynamic.. and over time, the true relationship shall be revealed...warm up to this girl and talk will develop.. does that help? Yes . I totally understand now. Thanks! And might I add, that it is a great piece of advice
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Wow I think if you're considering making a partner cease social contact, you need to be considering your relationship and possibly your own self worth. And by that, I don't mean you are worthless, I mean you need to have a good look at how you feel about yourself. If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander - it's perfectly normal to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I think the lines vary on things like flirting - some people do it without any intention, its just fun. What matters are you and your partners values on this (and indeed most things) being of a similar nature - if your partner likes to flirt but you don't, its not going to work. Wandering off to another room to talk is not a problem, again, its normal. If I'm watching TV etc, I don't want someone talking over it on the phone for instance. If they're secretive, thats different. But that's not to say you should be looking through their phone either - that doesn't constitute trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. If it's a friend, it's a friend, doesn't matter what sex they are. If you understand your partner and their needs, and both of you fulfil each others needs, there won't be any reason for straying. Everyone needs a social life outside their partner. I totally agree with most of what you said.Trust is so important in a relationship and choosing someone who shares your perceptions on what the boundaries should be, is crucial! But as I said to checkinguout, a person who was cheated on in the past may be a lot less trusting of behaviors that tbe average person considers innocent, so some sensitivity may be required there. But I dont totally agree with you that If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander . No couple is happy with each other all the time, and in fact there are times when they may even be enjoying the company of a friend way more than their mate during a slump in the relationship. During those relationship slumps that all couples go through, the temptation to wander emerges for many people. During vulnerable times like that, I personally would be very cautious about my interactions with the opposite sex. I personally wouldnt go on any chatsites or hang with make friends under those circumstances. I remember one of my friends who was going through a tough time in her marriage started hanging out often with a male friend of hers because she felt he was understanding her in a way her husband wasnt. I think one night they ended up kissing. I think too many people play with fire in that regard. Taking foolish chances like that severely puts your relationship at risk in my opinion Peggy you are right about people playing with fire... If couple would just put the effort in what they already have instead of tying to put it towards a stranger they can get back on track.... be nicer to your partner then you are to a stranger... but we as people sometimes think we can take things out on our partner and they will always forgive us.. |
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When I am in a relationship I like to give myself totally to that person, if there is a problem I want to discuss it and explain how I feel but if my mate is having a problem with me hanging out with a female friend or a person on my facebook page I would probably give in and stop it and focus on my relationship. I think it is good to put all you can into a relationship to make it work... but I think it should be 50/50... if you give all of yourself then you have nothing left for yourself... to me if a person falls in love with me then they must like the way I am... but too many times we fall in love with someone and then set out to try and change them.. My late husband fell in love with me....the outgoing fun person that I was and then wanted me to change because he thought I was being flirty. I pointed out that I wasn't flirting but that I was an outgoing person when he fell in love with me.. well over time I made the changes he wanted to make him happy... then one day he decided he didn't like the way I was and we started having problem... I asked him how could he be unhappy with the way I was because now I was the person he had been asking me to become... Long story short I went back to being the real me and we were fine again.... so I tell everyone be careful what you ask for....lol |
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Edited by
mzrosie
on
Mon 05/16/16 07:38 PM
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? Mingle2 is a dating site. If I met my partner in this site and everyone knows we are an item, and I know that my partner is not the flirty type, and we both remain active in the forums because we both have friends here, then no need to deactivate. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram - I don't do Facebook, not a Twitter, not on Instagram. I don't think I would be attracted to a guy my age doing FB, twitting and such. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? Unacceptable! Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? Yes, I would think something is fishy. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? Heck yes! Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? No guidelines. I am a jealous type so my partner should know that. Nobody has ever cheated on me. I am jealous by nature... and I am a witch with a b, when I get angry. Maybe that's why nobody had ever cheated on me... they just drop me like a hot potato.  
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Edited by
mzrosie
on
Mon 05/16/16 07:22 PM
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 double posted
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 01:49 AM
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Wow I think if you're considering making a partner cease social contact, you need to be considering your relationship and possibly your own self worth. And by that, I don't mean you are worthless, I mean you need to have a good look at how you feel about yourself. If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander - it's perfectly normal to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I think the lines vary on things like flirting - some people do it without any intention, its just fun. What matters are you and your partners values on this (and indeed most things) being of a similar nature - if your partner likes to flirt but you don't, its not going to work. Wandering off to another room to talk is not a problem, again, its normal. If I'm watching TV etc, I don't want someone talking over it on the phone for instance. If they're secretive, thats different. But that's not to say you should be looking through their phone either - that doesn't constitute trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. If it's a friend, it's a friend, doesn't matter what sex they are. If you understand your partner and their needs, and both of you fulfil each others needs, there won't be any reason for straying. Everyone needs a social life outside their partner. I totally agree with most of what you said.Trust is so important in a relationship and choosing someone who shares your perceptions on what the boundaries should be, is crucial! But as I said to checkinguout, a person who was cheated on in the past may be a lot less trusting of behaviors that tbe average person considers innocent, so some sensitivity may be required there. But I dont totally agree with you that If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander . No couple is happy with each other all the time, and in fact there are times when they may even be enjoying the company of a friend way more than their mate during a slump in the relationship. During those relationship slumps that all couples go through, the temptation to wander emerges for many people. During vulnerable times like that, I personally would be very cautious about my interactions with the opposite sex. I personally wouldnt go on any chatsites or hang with make friends under those circumstances. I remember one of my friends who was going through a tough time in her marriage started hanging out often with a male friend of hers because she felt he was understanding her in a way her husband wasnt. I think one night they ended up kissing. I think too many people play with fire in that regard. Taking foolish chances like that severely puts your relationship at risk in my opinion Peggy you are right about people playing with fire... If couple would just put the effort in what they already have instead of tying to put it towards a stranger they can get back on track.... be nicer to your partner then you are to a stranger... but we as people sometimes think we can take things .out on our partner and they will always forgive us.. I totally agree Checkingyouout Too many times when things get difficult with a partner, people try to distract themselves from the pain by drawing closer to other people of the opposite sex. It makes things much worse!!! There have been times when married men have reached out to me online claiming that they are just looking for friendship, and I always tell them that they are playing with fire and that they are undermining their relationship with their wives , and block them immediately after that. Nothing is wrong with friendships with the opposite sex if you are married, but reaching out to one of them regularly one-on-one when things are rocky with your mate, it 's a gateway to infidelity , and too many people walk into that trap. As you said checking you out, your marriage will stand a much better chance if you focus that energy on being kinder to you partner or getting professional counsel or even taking some time by yourself to re-group.... rather than project that energy into fostering a relationship outside of your union. I know many will disagree on that, but it's just my opinion. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 02:45 AM
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When I am in a relationship I like to give myself totally to that person, if there is a problem I want to discuss it and explain how I feel but if my mate is having a problem with me hanging out with a female friend or a person on my facebook page I would probably give in and stop it and focus on my relationship. I think it is good to put all you can into a relationship to make it work... but I think it should be 50/50... if you give all of yourself then you have nothing left for yourself... to me if a person falls in love with me then they must like the way I am... but too many times we fall in love with someone and then set out to try and change them.. My late husband fell in love with me....the outgoing fun person that I was and then wanted me to change because he thought I was being flirty. I pointed out that I wasn't flirting but that I was an outgoing person when he fell in love with me.. well over time I made the changes he wanted to make him happy... then one day he decided he didn't like the way I was and we started having problem... I asked him how could he be unhappy with the way I was because now I was the person he had been asking me to become... Long story short I went back to being the real me and we were fine again.... so I tell everyone be careful what you ask for....lol Preach it girl! I think there is a fine line between the act of (compromising which is necesssary for all relationships to work) vs losing parts of who you are at your core. How authentic can a person's love be if it is dependant upon you changing things that are fundamental to your core or your lifestyle. I wouldn't want my partner to give up anything that made him happy as long as it wasn't sabotaging his love for me. Let me give an example of compromise versus losing oneself. If my partner was very loud and rough around the edges, I may ask in more elegant setings if he could try to look more elegant and tone his brash behavior down a notch . That's compromise , but I would NOT require him to be that sophisticated person at home. Further more, in so far as I realise that such settings make him uncomfortable, I would keep those elegant kinds of outings for us as a couple to a bare minimum because why would I want my partner to be uncomfortable on a regular basis just because I like sophisticated venues? If lofty settings are so important to me, I will attend those events with friends or family. Similarly if my partner has friends who I may not love, I may ask him to sacrifice a night with them here and there to spend time with me, and I may not show up to all the events where they are present, but I would never ask him to give up his friends. That's another example of compromising without losing the core of who you are. |
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