Some of us have made it through bad break ups and are now looking towards the future with hope and enthusiasm.

It may not be realistic for you to feel no attachment to your ex after the end of the relationship, but what steps did you take to get past the worst of your feeelings with your ex?

I remember I had been yearning for my ex for almost a year after we separated ,still hoping that we would reunite in the future.

And then one day I realised that I was in love with a memory , not with him.

Once you and a person are no longer together , whether it is because you were dumped or because you ended it, then the relationship is dead , and whatever you remain holding on to or loving, is actually a memory or a ghost. Its not reality. If it was a reality, then obviously the person would be with you or you with them

After I accepted that I was yearning for and holding on to a dead entity, letting go became soooooo much easier for me.

Its a bit like if someone you loved pass away.

You can still love them and feel sad that you lost them . You can even smile if a pleasant moment you shared runs across your mind, but you cant build a present or future life around a ghost.

Understanding that is the first step I think.

I would always throw myself into work and hobbies I love. I'd take extra shifts, plan more camping, fishing, or hunting trips with friends...anything to keep from just sitting around the house alone and feeling sorry for myself.
Sooner, rather than later, I'd find myself thinking less and less abt the ex....and before I'd expect it, I'd be over it.

great advice. .......she has to grieve and let go....

- Cry when you need to cry, but don't revel in sorrow.
- Go out to be with friends and/or have a good friend over regularly.
- Talk about it and what went wrong. That helps to process it.
- Also see what your part was in it going wrong. Taking responsibility helps a lot!
- Take joy in small things, the sun shining, someone smiling at you, a bird chirping
- be proud of yourself when you've handled all the chores on your own again
- maybe find a new, different routine. Often we've done things the way they wanted it done for years. So find out how you like things to be done.
- See the good that you had in the relationship. It wasn't all bad. Be grateful for those good things.
- get clear what you (had to) learn from that relationship

After my break-up. I felt it is the end of the world. YES, it nearly break me. I cried every single day and in my sleep. Every single thing remind me of him.

Then, one day, I just woke up telling myself.." I am not going to cry over him again. Life goes on. I am strong. There is so much in life for me."

I remembered taking a really good long walk at the park on that day.
Suddenly , I felt everywhere is so full of colors. The greyness gone. I see my surrounding differently. Life is so beautiful.

That's the turning point in my life. I get over it.
No turning back. I move on. A stronger person.

I haven't had many serious relationships and breakups.

The biggest two were more like huge accidents, than anything else. The first was the worst. Total devastation of everything in my soul and my life. Every aspect of the relationship destroyed, every friend lost.

On the good side, once your entire life has been upended, torn to shreds, and turned into a sour comedy for others' pleasure...if you survive, there's not that much more to learn to deal with.

The second was my twenty year marriage. It was rocky from the start. it got so bad by the end, that though I again felt destroyed, it was more a relief than anything else.

I'm slow to decide things, for good or ill. The good, is that in both cases, once I decided, there was no going back. I think the big problem some people have, is that they doubt their decision, and so they put off doing the most basic things required for recovery to get going.

There are little things, but important things to do, once you are sure. You do the same things that you would do if you were just sharing a flat with someone, and one or both of you had to move out:

1. sort through all your physical possessions, and get rid of everything that isn't yours, or in the case of a breakup, the things that are most directly tied emotionally or physically to the relationship. If you want to keep pictures and so on, because they include other people you don't want to lose, go ahead, but box them up and put them in storage. Get them completely out of your sight. Give everything that belongs to the other person to them, and get everything from them, which is yours.

2. do the same kind of sorting of your daily activities, and tasks. Change all your habits in detail, that had to do with the relationship. Change your alarm clock timing, even if it's by five minutes. The more details you alter in order to remake them as purely yours, the more healing you will accomplish.

3. start new projects if you can. Things that again, weren't on your to do list for the relationship. They can distract you from the natural pain while you recover.

4. don't think you have to sort out the why and the who's fault it all is right away. It's best to allow that stuff to come to you on it's own, over time. You are unlikely to correctly identify any of this while your perceptions are distorted by the depression and pain of the breakup, and the answers are NOT functionally necessary for your daily life to continue.

Past that, it's mainly a matter of accepting that, just like physical accidents and injuries, pain is a normal part of getting over it, and is to be accepted.

Agree with ALL of this!

I agree Rebel :)

Keeping busy is very theraputic , especially when its something you enjoy, :)

So true sparky

Well said crystal! :)

.... Especially the part about gratitude for the good in tbe relationship and assessing what you needed tolearn from the relationship.

No one wants to repeat the same mistakes in the new relationship

Paul Simons song

50 ways to leave your lover...

I like all the practical little excercises you shared Igor :)

People get very philosopical about breakups telling people to let go, but not giving practical suggestions as to how they can do so.

So do I chooseto be

And welcome to the forum

uww
hard times, dont want to remember, dont want to even think about those 2 weeks time. will not take the risk of feeling the same again.


spent 1 week on my own, totally shocked
2nd 1 week spend my every minute with a friend from the morning till midnight, didnt stay home. went clubbing, went to breakfasts, lots of playing pool lol
1 week later when i came home, everything was finished. i was okay.

I'm going on 6 months out of a 7 year relationship. And in 16 days she's having my daughter It's the worst pain I ever felt. But it's getting better. I'm too good to stay down. Worth to much to hurt all the time it gets better. A tip would be. Stay busy. Even if you don't want to. Leave the house go for walks. I draw an play guitar That helps a lot. At some point you need to except it's over. Forgive. And forget. Self love. Know your worth a lot better then the cards the dealer flipped. Love and life is sometimes a gamble.

Hun, this was the story of the last time. i had terrible ones before, at one of which i nearly left my liver because of the anti-depressant pills. an other one with 1 year crying. can a person cry for 1 year, nearly every night? i did. it looks like each time, i left some part of my heart with the people going. now i have this thing in my mind, always: "did i die? no did not. has it not been over, each time? sooner or later am i not healing?"
bad experiences.. the result is this..
am i happy with it?
sometimes yes sometimes no.
losing belief is tiring, but at the separations you get over it quicker..

you are a strong woman too.
if i got married and then divorced, after combining my life together with someone and separating again.. i wouldnt be able to stand so still.. it would take a lot longer probably..