One of the great discoveries in my life is that I really don’t NEED to be with anybody.

It took me years to figure this out. From high school, through the time when I got a little older and started trying the “living together” arrangements, to being married, and even after that, I never went more than a month or two between relationships.

For a long time, I thought my “natural state” was to be with somebody, and I didn’t question it when “somebody” turned out to be a revolving door cavalcade of disposable/replaceable “nobodies.”

Getting married didn’t change my concept of relationships as short-term diversions/distractions at all. If anything, marriage reinforced that idea.

Then, I met “the one” – and that changed everything.

What I have come to understand since that relationship ended, is that life goes on. Even without “the one.” As much as I loved her, as much as I enjoyed being together, as much as I despise the people who tore us apart, I now realize that it’s over, it’s time to move on, and live a life. There are friends, there is work to do, there are books to read and to write, things to learn, places to see, pictures to take.

As much as I miss her, I realize that I can live without her. She is not the oxygen, the water, the shelter, the sustenance. She was someone I loved very much, who is no longer a part of my life, and I wish her only the best. But I know I will never see her again.

After she and I parted ways, I did revert to the old “natural state” and got into two more relationships fairly quickly, which were utter disasters – I think, primarily, because they were people I met on line (other sites) and I jumped in too quickly. They were both extremely deceptive, and I foolishly ignored all of the red flags until it was too late. I was too busy feeding the old addiction, the old “need.”

Another “learning experience.”

It has taken this long for me to figure it out.

I had to realize that the fun and frivolous three-month dalliances simply weren’t going to do it for me anymore. There was a time for that, and I met some people I am still friends with today; but those relationships were simply brief chapters (sometimes mere paragraphs) in a much longer book.

And, when things started to break down, I found myself saying, “More trouble than it’s worth” a lot.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’ve looked into a lot of dating sites over the past year and a half, mainly because my current living situation makes it impossible for me to meet anyone in real life. And what I’ve learned is that the kind of person I would be interested in meeting, simply isn’t on a dating site.

And that’s OK, because I really don’t need to be with anybody. I admit, there I times I think it might be nice; when I think of “the one,” and the things we used to do, and the conversations, and all the time we spent together....

But the connection she and I had – even though it turned out to last for only a few years – was totally unique in my experience and I don’t believe it would ever be possible to experience that level, that sort, of communication again with another person.

I’m grateful for the time I had with her.

More and more, I think that was my one shot at an actual meaningful relationship with someone I truly loved. And some people didn’t like that idea, and they had to destroy it, which wasn’t her fault (or mine), but happened nonetheless, and that was the end of that.

And I’m thinking maybe I should just be glad I got to be with her for a little while – some people never find “the one” – and I should just hold onto those memories, hold onto the things we did together, hold onto the things of hers I still have, and cherish them. And realize that she was a wonderful and unique person who has a life of her own now.

I think there was a time I thought I needed her. But she’s been gone almost two years now, and I’m still here, and it hasn’t always been easy – but I’m still here.

It was never a NEED – it was a desire, an attraction, a connection, a pull, a yearning. A love. But need is something else again.

I can handle being alone; it’s quieter, I get more done, I can do what I want, whenever I want. It gets lonely sometimes, and I’m still not used to that; but then I think about all the relationships I was in before “the one” came along. “More trouble than it’s worth.” The grass is as green as you perceive it to be.

I’ll survive. I have things to do. And I have my friends here....

Sorry for the ramble, there are just days when the keyboard simply refuses to shut up....!

yeah but u have had human connections unlike some of us who need the expierience of relationships b4 we (ie me) can descount the idea of needing them

LK, that's a good point and I would have to agree with you. Without some sort of experience context, one would not really be able to make that sort of assessment.

Keeping in mind that everyone's experience history, such as it is, will be somewhat different from everyone else's, which will also have a huge impact on their ultimate decision about what's worth it or not.

But you're right, I believe you would have to have been through it yourself before you could even begin to evaluate the worth of it....

that is so true, i have time and time again told myself that i am better off with noone but thats not true for me cuz i still havent found "the one" you brought tears to my eyes when i read your post. thanks for sharing

Blue -- Thank you. Nothing means more to a writer than knowing someone got something worthwhile from his words....!

ya know I have been through a lot of what you wrote about and I understand how you feel. after so many failed relationships over the last 4 yrs...I met a very good friend, my best friend in fact, and with his positive outlook on life, he has taught me a lot about not "needing" to be with anyone. things I've learned from him.........Set your standards high. You deserve the best. Try for what you want. And never settle for less. Believe in God. No matter what you choose. Keep a winning attitude. And you can never lose. Think about your destination. But don't worry if you stray. Because the most important thing Is that you've learned along the way. Take all you've become. To be all that you can be. Soar above the clouds. And let your dreams set you free.......just thought I'd share

kaspyv, I'm glad you shared. I enjoyed your friends advise.

Good thread, Lex.

Lex, think I understand & know I agree.
After Gwen died, I was lost for a few yrs. Didn't think I wanted married again, I knew who my soulmate was & that was that. Started dating for companionship, a few yrs ago, met a really nice widow & setteled into a longterm thing. Things happened & 14 months later we decided to just be friends. Made me realize friends & companionship was all I want. Found out I like my alone time & just don't want to change. I date, enjoy knowing lots of folks, thru this site,all over the world. By choice I have been committed to another person, someway/somehow since I was 14 yrs old. Need this time for just me & really finding myself. Life is a lot more peaceful & I am learnig to like me.

Thanks, everybody, I appreciate your input! This is a difficult issue for me, and one I am still struggling with.

Don, I feel the same way regarding the soulmate issue -- I still feel she was my soulmate, and even though I lost her in a very different way than you lost Gwen (mine is married and living on the other side of the state), I still experience this sense of loss that dwarfs everything else.

I just haven't entirely assimilated the idea that I could live 50 more years, or whatever, and never experience that again. I mean, I understand (intellectually) that there's very little chance of me connecting with anyone else on that level. But there are little things -- I miss the way she would hold my hand when we'd go to the mall, or the time she decided she needed a hug at the bowling alley, that sort of thing.

Five minutes with her was better than the entirety of every other relationship I ever had. That just seems so out of kilter, somehow -- although accurate.

But life goes on....and I wonder if I will ever really accept this, if I will ever really be able to let go.

I try to look at it as a learning process....

Lex wrote:

"But the connection she and I had – even though it turned out to last for only a few years – was totally unique in my experience and I don’t believe it would ever be possible to experience that level, that sort, of communication again with another person. "



I can tell you this my friend. On this one you are WRONG gloriously wrong. It has happened to me - 3 times....
Now it'll put you off guard. Very disorienting. I once did not believe that it would ever happen again. What a shock when it does.

You my friend are in for the treat of a lifetime one of these days...



If it is any consolation it will probably be at least as big a shock to her!!

So be the irrepressible you, have fun, and watch out.

S1ow -- I've been wrong before....there are days when I feel like I've made an entire career out of being wrong!

And I know that my feelings on this are still tinged by the spectre of that relationship -- not to say that this necessarily lasts forever, but....

It's a bit of a roller coaster, really. Some days, I can honestly say I'm ready to move on. Other days, I'm more entrenched in the idea that there's really no effective way to find someone to move on with....if that makes any sense.

Thank you for the encouragement, it means a lot to me.