Hello, everyone.
I am writing for your insite on a very touchy situation. I am engage to a person that I adore. We live 150 mile apart right now considering that he has been able to move here yet due to work. Our problem now is that we both had a few friends of the opposite sex before meeting, but since being engaged this has become a very big issue especially for me. For 1 thing his friends are either very needy of him, call any time day or night, promiscuous, and/or are just plan disrespectful (which with those 2 he did deal with them). When he made it know to me that he had a problem with the 2 male friends that I had, I had no problem telling them that we could no longer talk, but he is having a very difficult time with this and plays it off as if I'm just over jealeous. At this point I have made it very clear that either they go or I go, he states that they will go, but I can tell that he is a little steamed under-the- collar. what do you guys think?

First of all, trust and honesty should be number one. If he has a problem with you having male friends I think he might have a problem with that. Then if he thinks it's fine for him, but, not for you, there's DEFINATELY a problem. There shouldn't be any double standards of any kind in a relationship!

I say it works both ways Charisma. You 2 have to have a real understanding and trust each other.

I think ultimatums always end badly.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with my mate having friends.I don't think it should have to be that way.Everyone is different though.For me knowing that my mate loves me and that I will be the one they come home to is enough.I can be a bit jealous but in a good way.I wouldn't say "either they go or I go".I have done that before and wound up regretting it and losing a great friendship with the potential of much more.Better to talk about it for some time and come to understanding.The fact that you are engaged means a lot.I would try to take it easy and don't come to any conclusion on it no matter how right or wrong you it feels.Hope that helps

I have a ? why do you live 150 miles apart? Secondly how "needy" are these friends? I had a long distance relationship and she had a ton of guy friends and I became a jealous paranoid asshole and ruined everything. I also had a problem getting her to ditch the guys... Maybe you should just trust him?

I agree Charisma, stick to your guns. Those relationships, if they bother you, will rarely stop bothering you. So deal with it up front. Especially if the ladies are single, ex's, or he slept with them. A guy never forgets what it's like to have sex with a girl. And yet, he forgets just enough to want to refresh his memory all over again with the passing of time.

I alsways say, if you don't want to drink, don't sit at the bar. If you don't want to cheat, minimize your contact with the women (or men) that you are attracted to.

i just got out of a 10 year marriage because ofthat bs!i have lots of male friends he thought they were something more

if you got rid of two male friends to keep him happy, then by all means he should get rid of those girls for you. if not that is a double standard, and should not be tolerated..

Guys...trust is earned....and when it was up to me to cut off tieds to friends (10yrs of friendship) I did it. These so called friends of his is putting presser on him, saying tha I should just except them and their friendship, when I really and trully feel that we are grown and when 2 adults committ to 1 another the old is past away. We are partners now, we should have eithers back, not these extras.

I don't think there is any problem with having friends of the opposite sex as long as there is respect but fron the way your putting it, it sounds like these friends your talking about are more then friends if you have to let them go. All this should of taken place before you guys made this commitment and if leeting some of the so call friends go and not happy about it. Then maybe you guys need to be honest with yourselfs.

I'm in a relationship where she lives 400 miles away. If when after a couple months of us seeing each othere and there was some of the friends that your talking about. Id be wanting to know why would she be hanging on to somthing that can cause problems as it is with you now. I don't care who you are. If you want any relationship to go anywhere. there are some things you have to let go and if your not ready to. Then things are not going to work out

Charisma,

I agree with you 100%.

I don't think you really have a problem that he has female friends. You cited specific things about those female friends that would bother any normal person in a monogamous relationship.

The fact that he is setting a double-standard on top of it... You have a bad feeling about those friends for a reason. Follow your instincts on this one.

Way to go Charisma, you already have your answer in your mind.

thanks James and Curious... the whole deal is really tearing at me, so thanks. And yes I do love this man dearly, but I do feel that they are trying to take advantage of his big heart, they use the fact that he will try and help with anything, and they are ingnoring the fact that he is engaged now.
And to the question of how needed are they 1 of the call him 20 time in 2 days (just to talk to see if she should go out with a guy that had asked her) hmmmm

I'm probably reading into this but...

"For 1 thing his friends are either very needy of him, call any time day or night, promiscuous, and/or are just plan disrespectful..."

Sounds like you think he'd cheat (though I can see how they'd be irritating to live with, calling and being disrespectful, etc.). A woman's intuition about that is uncanny, so if that's what you're feeling... lose him.

If he really values you, he should at least make his friends respect you.

Trans you hit the nail right on the head, but we just recently had this discussion again, and he said they he would end the friendships with them, I'm waiting to see. b/c we are really to old for all this friendship thing (too many hands in the pot). I had no problem excepting his best friend (which is female) and he is my best friend (which is female) get alone great. It's just the clingy ones that has worked my nerves...

I got lots of male friends that have only ever been just friends, and if any man asked me to ditch them I'd be furious. Now, if say, they were causing a problem in the relationship by looking overly interested in me I'd say something myself... I have only stayed friends with a few exes and if a guy I was with had a problem with that one, I could see it...

I don't mind a guy having female friends as long as all of the ex's are out of the picture... but if some female friend of his is trying to cause issues, and they still keep on after being told, its time to bring out the boxing gloves....

It's seems liek you've made your decision, and know what you're doing. I hope it works out for you, hopefully you two come to an understanding, and stemgthen your realtionship.

Ah, yes, the acid test. The "actions speak louder than words" test.

I have a ton of female friends, so I know there's a hazing and trying period in the beginning (I'd think that would be over since you stuck it out long enough to be engaged) but if they're being inappropriate or he's not setting boundaries, things can get messy.

hahaha...Jay ok I like that.... and I'm abt to that point..lol b/c I DO LOVE THIS MAN.