Forgive me if this has been posted before. I am curious if people believe these kind of friendships can work and how you feel when your partner has a good friend who is the opposite sex.

I'm being nosy because I just went through a situation with this guy I was talking with getting all jealous of my guy friends. Not fun.

As for me, I'm usually just one of the guys so most of my friends are men. I know these types of friendships work. You can often get a different perspective having a friend that that is the opposite sex.
Because of this, I do not have a problem if my boyfriend has female friends that he knew before we started dating. It might be a bit strange for him to make new female friends after we start dating however...

I say yes, its possible. You just have to get past that stage of romantic probabilities.

And i agree, a gender specific perspective and reasoning can be an eye-opener.

But the SO has to be given the due respect also. There are boundaries in the platonic friendship that needs to be established and clear to all parties.

I have had may platonic relationships in my life. I have many friends who just happen to be women. Some, after we became friends, led to friendships with their husbands or boyfriends. Personally, not being able to separate friendship from sexual attraction seems pretty childish. You need to respect the other person for who they are and not as a sexual object. If you belong to any large social organizations like a ski club or a Church, you will come into contact with a lot of people if you are actively involved.

You may sometimes feel attracted to someone in a situation which is inappropriate so just keep it to yourself and recognize the fact that some of your friends are attractive.

Sex can ruin a good friendship.

Thank you for replying!
And excellent point about the boundaries, Pansy.
I like your perspective as well Metalwing.

I don't get easily excited over men. He has to be very special. It is not a problem for me to maintain platonic relationships with men. As for how they feel about me, that could be a little riskier. I make myself very clear that they are in the friend zone. Otherwise, if I led men on, like some men like to lead on women to boost their own fragile egos, there would be fistfights over me every day. I am considerate like that.

platonic relationships between men and women dont exist. men and women are here for one reason and one reason alone.

Yes, it's possible. Respect of the friendship is what is key.

I don't know what you mean by "friendship."
Because it's such a subjective word it can include anything from "I just met my friend yesterday," to, "we've been best friends since we were 2 months old!"

And I don't know what you mean by "work."

Do you mean "we're perfectly platonic friends, and our relationship will nebber ebber change, forebber! No one will be motivated by sex in any way shape or form, at any time, and everyone's motives can be trusted at all times that the reason a guy is nice to me, makes me laugh, likes me, is solely based on respect and mutual affability, not because he wants in my pants!"

Then no, that's not possible.


It depends on my partner. It depends on the relationship she has with her friend.

I mean to some sleeping over in the same bed because they both passed out drunk is a "good friend," to others maybe meeting once a month, emailing them a professional question, and putting something like "that's funny!" on their facebook page, or just talking via email is a "good friend."


But mostly, IME with online, a "good friend" to a woman (the online type) is an emotional FWB.

People scared of romantic relationships. They don't want the risks, the commitment, the time costs, the money costs, to have to reciprocate anything.

What they want is a girlfriend/boyfriend on call, that they can ignore, and then out of the blue every few days or weeks call, go out, have fun, talk, vent, emotionally bond, always blue skies.
In some ways the "good male friend" to the woman is a strip club to the man.

They say things like "I don't know why, but, like, I just get along better with guys! It's so weird! We just have more in common! It's just better! I get more out of it!"
Their "friend" HAS to be of the opposite sex, though.
(and tons of guys online do this too, "I just want a friend!...but it must be a woman, and preferably attractive...")

Lots of women are just stupid in this regard.
They are riding the wave of their sex hormones, getting high and feeling good, but making sure to put boundaries on the relationship so they don't have to pay the dealer believing that their word is law and shapes the universe.

They don't realize it for what it is because nature has given them a unique ability greater than men to not be immediately, fully cognizantly aware, of what they're being affected by.
To not be immediately driven by hormones so they can make a choice of a better partner.

Also, one thing common to junkies is they just keep upping the dose, more and more.
And in this regard women tend to have men beat.
They Frankenstein a relationship with multiple guys.

They either need more and more guys in order to get the same high, or they just try and build their perfect man and relationship by specializing the guys in their life (e.g. he's my gay, he's my handyman, he's my go to party guy, he's my FWB, he's who is always there to comfort me, this guy gives me rides to the airport, etc.).

And a lot of guys are stupid enough to provide this.


Ha!

I hadn't even read this part yet. That's funny.
They work because you get a chemical high from it.
They get the opportunity to feel it too and potentially bond enough with you that you'll let them try to impregnate you.

Just because you have sex hormones raging through your body, male or female, it doesn't turn you into a torpid beast running amok only able to think about sex.

Sex hormones make you feel good.

But it still comes back to motives.
What's motivating their "nice" and "good" and "congenial" and "affable" behavior is wanting to try to get you pregnant.

What's making you feel good and wanting to be around guys, and rationalizing your reasons for doing so is simple brain chemistry.
No different than jumping out of an airplane to get a rush.
Eventually you have to do it more and more and more.

Your body and subconscious don't care that you choose to call it "friends," it simply identifies "mating potential and opportunity."
The rest is rationalizing.


I would too.
There's a huge difference between "we've been working together so long that we just grew an organic friendship and found we have lots in common, since our schedules match we just do things together sometimes," vs. "I love being surrounded by guys! I love when it's rainin men! wooooo! I gets alongs bestes with the boyzes!"


See? Rationalizing.
Everyone that isn't you can give you a different perspective.
The thing about other women is they inherently communicate in ways similar to other women.
So, you can get a different perspective from a woman, plus it's more easily understood.

It's like you're saying "I only speak english and love making chinese friends that only speak chinese. I like having friends from the opposite side of the globe so I can get a different perspective. I don't get anything out of talking to my neighbors. I just get along better with the chinese."


"before we started dating" is kind of important and probably another topic in itself.
Because it's just fear.
"I don't want to change! What!? Give up my dude party!? That's inconceivable! I've rationalized that these are friends and not a means to get high! I can't give up the gift of friendship! I've rationalized that what I'm doing is good! If I have to stop then that makes it seem bad, and I'm not bad, I'm good!
I can't give that up...so...uh...you don't either! Yeah, that's it, that's how I keep my feel good thing going. I don't give mine up, you don't give yours up...that's okay."

Crack addicts, smokers, alcoholics, always swear they won't do more tomorrow, that they'll cut back. They'll just use what they've got.

My best friend is a chick. If my gal didn't approve of her, then she would quickly become an ex-gal.

I, personally, think platonic relationships between opposite genders is possible. I have a very, very good guy friend who has been in my life for many years. We talk about everything, just like I do with a female friend. Maybe it's possible because he WAS friends with us (me and Hubby) before losing Hubby. I have 2 other guy friends who are married and I am friends with their wives as well.
OF COURSE there have been times that I thought...heyyyyy,maybe?...but OF COURSE I SQUASHED those thoughts before they became anything for real.
In my opinion, we ALL have somewhat of a physical attraction to the opposite sex, especially when we grow to love them, even as friends.

We simply have to communicate with our partner if there is an opposite gendered friend in the picture.

That's my story and I'm stickin to it!

I think the sex of who they're friends with, shouldn't honestly matter. As long as the lover wasn't too close for comfort with any of them. Then I'd start to feel a bit suspicious/wary.

I personally have no issues with it, one of my closests friends for over 30 years is a man and Pancho knows about it. He also has some female friends that he is close with I have no issues with it.

I have very few women friends that is just the way it has worked out and the ones that I have I treasure. I have several male friends and there hasn't been one time that either one of us has crossed the line. IF the thoughts have entered into either one of our minds it is quickly thrown out.


A true friendship doesn't have a gender.IMO

You stand forgiven (but not 'forgotten')!

I was reading the contents of your post. I was thinking as to how many people on Earth (including 'me' (assuming I aint an 'Alien' from extra-terrestrial space)), actually understand the 'meaning' of 'friendship'?


Indubitably, platonic comes later..

I have two best mates one girl and one guy. With my guy mate we were honest with each other and agree just mates. If I want a males perspective on something i go to him. I ask him pretty much anything and its vise versa. He has my back like I have his. We talked about it openly. I have encouraged my children to have friends from both sexes. If the next guy comes and don't like my guy mate. It's bye bye.
Never dumb someone who has been your mate for a long time.

Wouldn't it be better for a couple to befriend another couple?

Interesting statement ...

What if the chick doesn't approve of your new love? Then who becomes the ex? You're new love or the chick?

Nice to not want to give up on friends, which is good up to a point, but where does that leave your new love? Doesn't she get a say in anything? Has to put up with everything?

Not judging, just asking as these things can get real tricky. Just wondering where you (and others) draw the line.

It's a mistake to try to come up with some kind of general rule, to use as a sort of club, to beat your new mate's concerns down with. So asking this question as a generality is a very bad idea, even though it might seem to be perfectly logical to discuss in this way otherwise.

That's my most intense concern with this OP's asking this question.

It's the kind of thing I see people do a lot, in relationship forums like this: they are getting together with someone new, trying to establish boundaries with them, and finding that the boundaries they had before they met this new person, make the new person uncomfortable, nervous, wary, or even hostile.

The one thing that I've observed be true in every case, was that the solution had to be accomplished by both people growing their perceptions, and their emotional centers, and mutually adjusting themselves to each other and to the circumstances.

Whenever they tried to solve it in a one-sided way, either by one of them caving in to the others demands, or by the other saying "that's the way things work, so suck it up," the relationship was doomed to failure.

Haven't been on here in a bit but I want to thank you all for your answers. Some gave me new things to think about and new ways to see stuff.
And no, ciretom, my reason for having male friends is not because I get high on sex fumes or whatever you posted, it's because I haven't found a female friend that shares my love of sports. When I find her, I'll let you know so you can stop judging me.