ARE YOU COMFORTABLY MISERABLE?

I see the same people on dating sites for years. They whine, they moan, they complain about their day to day existence. They are obviously unhappy about their current status. But what are they doing to change their lives for the happier and better? Are they taking stock of opportunities as they come? Or would they rather safely and comfortably remain in the same unhappy place because they are terrified of change and upheaval, even if it might bring them amazing happiness in the long run?

Would you describe yourself as comfortably miserable?

Naw...I just got too much drama in my life to throw a relationship in all of it...that and I won't settle for anything less than perfect for me these days...probably die alone with my standards...but I am enjoying chatting with the prospects...

Nah. I'm just a horny devil!

Very comfortable

I am active here for the last two weeks and have started enjoying reading posts by people of different backgrounds...until I get something more interesting to do, I would stick around here.

Well, in the process, If I run into someone my type, it would be great !!

I'm very happy. However, in the past, I have spent quite a while being comfortably miserable.

Well I am not miserable
spent first year out from my divorce
jumping back in dating pool
found out real quick what's out there
decided to spend time on finishing my degree and taking care of myself and my son instead

Yes. But I have netflix and money so I'm all good.


Doesn't that just mean you've been a same person on dating sites for years?


I think most unhappy, miserable, whining moaners on the internet would be happy for change and upheaval.

I just think they want it to be handed to them without trying or real risk.

For things to be like a movie.
In the movies someone always comes by to drag you out of the self pity mire.
In real life no one wants to continuously dive headfirst into that slime to save you.

They want the hot person that just moved next door to come over and force themselves into their life, accept all behavior, always be happy, offer no insecurities, chase them down, arguments are based on mistakes not fundamental inconsolable irrevocable differences, any drama is easily overcome by being innately better than their antagonist, all problems just solve themselves, love is immediate and secure and never really threatened except by misunderstanding and humor.

Too much netflix or something...oh wait.

IMO I think a lot to most whining moaning miserable complainers want that. Someone to come save them and tell them they're worth the effort and desirable.

IMO They want to be pushed into changing, not responsible for doing it themselves or providing their own initiative.

I think whining, complaining, and moaning (...But not bloviating!) on the internet is a cry for help.
It's just real life. There are more cries for help than people that actually will or can.

I guess I am. More like comfortably grieving. A person as young as I am, wouldn't expect to lose their ex the way I did. Not at this age.

There's more categories of people than you allow for in this, OP.

There isn't JUST "staying miserable on purpose" and "dutifully and cheerfully going about dating energetically with a purpose," or however you envision it.

Which category are you in then?

I am more of miserably comfortable..

I don't know. Is there a named one for people who are being careful, thorough, and who suffered monetary losses which tremendously slowed down their ability to proceed towards a new serious relationship with the amount of energy and time they originally wished to, and who have tried to adjust accordingly?

No I would not. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

no honestly!! I'm quite happy being miserable..

Confusedly hopeful - So many large changes in my life the last 3 years or so. Still sorting thru a lot of it. Not sure how still hings will turn out, in several ways. Or how others will react to my situation.

Happy being miserable means you are comfortably miserable. I actually should dedicate this topic to you. You inspired it.

Yes and no. Just doing this has taken me out of my comfort zone and getting out and meeting people again was one of the things I needed to do to try to get out of my rut.

Unfortunately, the flipside has been that I've not done other things that I could have been doing to try to improve my situation because when it doesn't work out with somebody, that's depressing and you can lose your motivation or enthusiasm.

I consider the three years or so that I've been on here to have been an adventure. Some might say misadventure but I've felt better about my life when I have been dating, even when it hasn't gone very well and it looked doomed. I no longer feel optomistic about it and it becomes a habit. I feel that after the last year and what happened then it's like an episode in my life that I should draw a line under and that I should try something else now or just give up.

^ I feel your pain. Being in a rut is devastating, especially when you see no way out. It's an ugly, vicious cycle. It is very important not to shut yourself in. That will alienate you further and mess with your reality. Going out and keeping active in social circles is key. Surround yourself with friends and social activities. The Internet is very addictive and can lead to more misery and alienation, although ostensibly it is easing your loneliness. It is quite the opposite. It is sucking you in and creating more loneliness, with the unhealthy virtual social interactions. Go out and talk to real people. You never know who is really behind that computer.

"would they rather safely and comfortably remain in the same unhappy place because they are terrified of change and upheaval,"

What a generous opening for this topic. And I might add, is very true.

I fall into this same bracket. I like my solitude, and at times loneliness. I've become used to it. I am used to being the only person in my apartment, even my cat has vacated the premises to a more comfortable position a few doors down. It's difficult to find people that have their own lives, and have the daily/weekly coming together instead of actually living together, kind of like, an independent love affair.

I am a gay male, so the idea of living together does not suit me at all. I dread the thought of having to share my space with someone else. I would be constantly making sure that nothing was moved or God forbid, eaten. It's silly for me to think this way but I am so used to it. Sharing the night with someone is daunting, scary to say the least. I'd have to go to the couch. I don't know how men and women sleep together, I like the idea of a second ante-chamber next door.

When I first got my little kitty, he was a constant disruption to my daily routine. He was always into things and I emptied the water spray bottle. I think he too came to getting used to be sprayed with water. He would just there getting a facial from the bottle. He decided to leave a few years later, he returns to visit and I welcome him with open arms, but then after a few hours of that, he leaves......thank God.

Some of these traits are from our parents. My Mother was telling me one time that she never wanted to get married. It was never her intention to have children. Unusual circumstances changed all that. But she doesn't regret what had happened, but if she could have held her own fate into her own hands, she would have been quite content to have lived alone. I would have taken that from her. Had I never been sexually abused at a young age by an older man, I would probably have no need for sex. But again, unusual circumstances has changed all that.

Marriage is scary. I have seen more divorce then actual happy enduring marriages. I think that most times these things happen because we are quick to judge, and jump to conclusions and we make rash decisions before we ever sit down with our partners and have them explain the whole thing. I think that forgiveness is lacking which the old timers seem to have plenty of. I know I am digressing.

But yes, it's a terrifying notion to have our routines changed. Which makes me want to change. I hate the idea that fear keeps me from something. When I was getting my drivers license, I was told to stay away from a known intersection because there is no light system. The city has tried to install lighting there but it doesn't work. So drivers are left to fend for themselves. Well, during my whole practising, I went there often because I wanted to overcome that fear.

Relationship is probably my final frontier.