It is different for men...it's just like when people say women can rape men.

to be fair the thread should read WHEN THAY rais there hand,,MOST ppl would rather turn there head at a woman putting her hands on a man,,my ex had no problem beating on me from time to time,,and she was in law inforcement, it was no big deal, i would just hold her hands so she couldnt hit me,but afte 18 years of taking that,,will NEVER let a woman ever hit me again!!!

My input is this: By all means, warn the potential abusee. Be prepared for the likelihood that that will do NO good.

Then, provide the most important thing you can - Be that person's safe haven. Be the one that listens, that cares, that offers a comfortable alternative to what the abusee knows and lives. In short, be the friend that he/she needs. It's possible that YOU are the only one in the abusee's world that does so.

I think if you know a man is abusive, you should let the woman know

If i were in the shoes of the potential abuse victim, i would be very appreciative of the warning. Id rather go into a relationship with both eyes wide open, rather than with one eye shut.

If it was a friend, ( and even though it is none of my business) I would ask her if she was o.k... that I know what is going on and I would give her my opinion about that type of man. I would also offer to help her get help... if she needed it.

I would prefer a friend telling me to mind my own GD business as opposed to me not offering help... even if I lost her as a friend.

This is not difficult to answer to me. Maybe she won't believe if I warn her, maybe she will be with him regardless of the warning, but as a woman... Scratch that... As a human being, I feel it would be my duty to at least tell her. The decision on whether she takes a chance on him or not will be fully hers.

It is different for men...it's just like when people say women can rape men.

now you lost me,,i had a friend we'll say,,this friend was only 14 and a 34 year old woman druged and raped him..kinda f ed him up for a few years whe it came to having sex, yes men can be raped!!!

having dealt with young men who were the victims of abuse and rape, this comment is very ignorant.
men and boys can be and do get raped.
even if it may not often be made public, it leaves emotional destruction as it would for a female.

It is not the same for men, I'm definitely not ignorant, thanks.

I deal with the question of abuse and intervention on a daily basis. It's a part of my job description and there isn't a more complicated human endeavor that I'm aware of, except maybe being a cop.

The (constructive) posts here have been right on the money in my experience. The (again, constructive) 'testimonials' - for lack of a better term - are also spot on.

The only thing I might add is that there is a cultural bias toward abuse. Even my saintly, feminine to the nines, loving and caring old grandmother once took me aside and commented, 'That woman is head-strong. Sometimes a man has to put his foot down. Paddle her aZZ, Jeff.' (we were talking about my wife, at the time).

Abuse is a learned response, to some - and maybe a large - degree. Sometimes it's learned 2nd hand, what one grew up seeing in their own family, movies, tv, literature, games, music, etc.

Sometimes, it's learned 1st hand as a result of failure to control impulses - The abuser tries it and it generates the results he/she desires. They then refine the abusive repertoire.

There are other possibilities, as well.

My input is this: By all means, warn the potential abusee. Be prepared for the likelihood that that will do NO good.

Then, provide the most important thing you can - Be that person's safe haven. Be the one that listens, that cares, that offers a comfortable alternative to what the abusee knows and lives. In short, be the friend that he/she needs. It's possible that YOU are the only one in the abusee's world that does so.

I was actually warned by friends that knew my ex about him. I didn't listen. I thought maybe it was gossip or something. Even though I learned the hard way, I am grateful to my friends for speaking up and were always my friends from beginning to the end.

They didn't push the issue but they cared enough to say something to warn me...that's how I look at it anyways

BTW thank you for this topic. It is still therapeutic for me to talk about it

I have known women who complained about being abused, and they were. In all cases they demanded that I stay out of it. After many discussions the truth came out. They had been abused previously and it had been covered up, but not forgotten. The abuse they were suffering now was a release for the abuse that had been previously bottled up. Were you abused before the abusive relationship you are now speaking of?

I was actually warned by friends that knew my ex about him. I didn't listen. I thought maybe it was gossip or something. Even though I learned the hard way, I am grateful to my friends for speaking up and were always my friends from beginning to the end.

They didn't push the issue but they cared enough to say something to warn me...that's how I look at it anyways

BTW thank you for this topic. It is still therapeutic for me to talk about it

I guess everyone can have a different story. Good luck with your future relationships. I am sure there is someone for everyone.

********** Wife Abuse Must Stop ! ***********

(So, how do I get them to stop hitting me ?)