OKAY I KNOW THIS IS A LONG ONE BUT BELIEVE ME WORTH EVERY MNUTE OF READING THOUGHT I WAS GONNA FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR LAUGHING BEFORE I FINISHED IT LOL


WAx is not your friend ..
All hair removal methods have lied to women with promises of effortless or painless removal - the
Epilady, Scissors, Razors, Nair and ... Wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next million hours, "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet?!!"
I headed to the bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm, and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whatever) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am brilliant ....
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of
rubbing them together, my creative brain kicks in .. I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal here I am! She-rah,fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. With my next wax strip I move north. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-yah and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
Holy **** I'm blind!!! Pain!!!!....HOLY ****!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out ... do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe ... oK, no honey mommy`s fine!, go play .. back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? hair?? WHERE IS THE ****ING WAX ???!!!
Slowly I look down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
****!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and
matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? ... I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Hoo-hoo? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My ****ing head might pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax, doesn`t it ??!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the ****ing tub ... in beastly hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub .. yes, cement-****ing-epoxied to porcelain!!
God Bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
Yes Regis, I`d like to phone a friend. Surely I`m not the only one to ever hot wax her mud flaps to her asshole. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, listen Alison .. my butt and ***** are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
Major Pause.
She doesn't know any tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or *****-hole?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. Right. Like I need some 20 year-old guy named Kevin from Plano, Texas in on this.
More solutions. Ah, ok. I`ll scrape the wax off with a razor. And yes, nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in schizophrenically hot water and then dry-shaving the goo off!!
By now my brain is dead, dignity has left the building and I'm pretty sure it`s going to cost my husband a grand or two in Post-Traumatic Stress Counseling for this event.
My friend is still on the phone when I finally eyeball my saving grace....the lotion they give you to
remove the excess wax!! Duh. I grab the ****ing tube, rub some on and OH JESUS !!!!!!!
The scream probably woke China, Japan, & Mongolia and scared the **** out of my kids.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a phat congratulation from Alison and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the last of the wax and then notice to my heart breaking despair....THE HAIR IS STILL ATTATCHED TO MY POOCH ....... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME????
Recklessly I shave it off. Heck, I'm ****ing numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have plucked out an eyeball at this point.
SIGH ****ING SIGH.
And next week I'm supposed to try hair color...... ?? uhhhh.

I couldn't stop laughing. Well written too!!

That is hilarious!!!!

This was way too funny - I am still laughing!

no honey, wax is never our friend unless it is in a candle form

Hey TxsGal3333,

Had a brazilian a few months ago, and I can understand the pain. No pain in the world, not even child birth hurts like that s--t did. But thank you for the humor in it.

Yeah my daughter told me "Mom shave it never ever wax, that stuff is horrible!"

P.S. it was the mudflaps that cracked me up!

that made my day sooo much better!


Thanks!!!

i HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THiS ONE! i JUST LAUGHED SO HARD i CRiED! HAHA

I'm crying with laughter! Touche!

I will have to admit I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes over this one lol

was has always inrigued me, but... now... yep, no way in hell i'm gonna try it!

so glad i'm not a woman

LOL THIS ONE WAS TOO GOOD LOL