so i've been reading the forums and stuff, and I'm thinking that quite a few people online still have open sores... fresh even...

in the area of ex's and how they go about brandishing knives and swords which - in the long run - screw themselves over for meeting someone new...

and likely they'll meet someone that either is in the same situation, and/or go out with someone else that has the same attributes which they left.

ok, so maybe I've been lucky, blessed, good karma or whatever it is that people need to call good things for their own sake, but you know... i've just not had it that difficult..

i get along w/ my ex's. I don't have scars from breakups. I've been dumped. I've dumped. six of one, half dozen the other. makes no difference.

mind you i've only loved once, and i didn't go running into a relationship - i actually took a 5 year hiatus because i knew i was wounded and not in a good position to be of any benefit to anyone else.

now that i'm back in the "field" so to speak I find that I'm meeting a lot of wonderful people. Some I thought I'd date, and discovered quickly enough that nope, but hey, they're still good people so I'm fine with the friendship of it. I don't lead people on and I don't play games. I don't have the energy or interest.

So what is it about the online thing? Or for that matter people over 30? Why is it I find that most (and of course there are always exceptions, and generalizing isn't the best way to go about it..) however, the whole concept of "baggage."

whenever I read that word in a profile or read a profile that is laced with it, i wonder to myself, woah, how is that person going to even begin to have a healthy relationship when they have that jaded judgmental attitude going in?

example: I ski...

when i got to the top of the hill the first time i was "holy crap!" that is long, far and damn steep! I had one of two choices.. either be scared Sihtless on the way down, intimidated... or shrug and say well, its the only way down, so i'm going to run it.

I ran it. My second run ever were moguls, at night.
now i ski extreme and off the beaten path and don't even notice it, as it really only ever comes down to where i am and what is directly in front of me.

a word of advice to the over 30 crowd... if the wound is fresh? stay off the hill. If you're more afraid of being hurt than you are of being alone? you're bringing a live grenade into your next relationship, spending more time looking at what could go wrong, and no time on what is going right...

i think that it is impossible to put any two people together without at least 1% conflict. It is the same whether it's friends, or relationship...

yet we have more tolerance and understanding for friendships that hit sour notes then we do for relationships. Carrying the pain and baggage from relationships into the next one, and then the next one, and then sooner or later we can't see the relationship for the crap we're dragging behind us...

lighten up... seriously... there isn't anyone at all anywhere at anytime that can look back at any relationship and be honest with themselves and say, "i did nothing wrong" because then they're lying to themselves and everyone else.

no one is infalible.
everyone fails.

it is also a guarantee that you will be hurt by the next person you love, and the person you love will be hurt by you. it is the reality of human nature. it sucks, but its the truth.

see the world as it is, instead of seeing it as you need it to be...

on a side note...
i have a decent disposition because i focused on what it was about my past relationships that I loved, not what i don't like... and it is those things which I am able to carry through to the next relationships, and moreso on my aspects of me which needed changing... so i could be better...

whomever i meet, or am with, are their own responsibility... not mine in that sense of self awareness and correction. everyone has the right to fix themselves, and no one deserves to be subjected to what happened to someone else. :)

I thoroughly enjoy reading this post. Heaps of good stuff here …

I see you are not going into this blindly nor dragging a past baggage along with you. You covered a lot of areas here that strengthens your character. Good to see someone take the initiative to see beyond areas of importance in regards to relationships.

Though, there is no one particular way how one should do things on their journey of figuring out this love thing. Commonsense helps and positive guidance or experiences from others helps too.

Failure is part of learning that don’t mean one must make heaps of mistakes to get the point lol

Break-ups is not always negative either, it gives one another chance to find their true love or the one that makes them happy.

One must omit “BUT” from their vocabulary when trying to change their situation for the best.

Great post shared!

I knew you must have been an Aussie, Sin,

intelligent and big word handler.

I agree with you. Being happy is a choice. Relationships end and it is what you find within yourself that determines how you "recover". What I most hate to see is when divorced/estranged parents can't get along for the sake of the children. I personally have had to swallow a lot of crap in order to maintain a good relationship with the childs father. It matters not what transpired in our marriage, I picked him to father my child and it is my responsibility to insure the child has the opportunity to have a great relationship with their father.

Hugs Jess…..aussie aussie aussie *smiles

AllSmilesInTulsa - I totally agree with your thoughts here. It doesn’t matter how things turned out for each couple when they breakup, sometimes putting aside their differences can save their child/children from repeating history in their adulthood. It saddens me when couples don’t try. Pointing the finger at the other will not make you right, …the child/children still suffers. When a relationship is beyond salvage, no use arguing the point, both failed and not their kids fault.

Parents can still raise their children in a healthy environment living apart. My ex and I did that for our child, she is loved and happy. Ex and I became better people today too.

Thanks for the vote of confidence Sin!! So many times I meet a man that bashes his ex. My response? YOU PICKED HER!!

What do we teach our children with relationships?

How to start one, and how to end one, with integrity, respect and grace?

Or how to be bitter and slang each other off?

I know which one I prefer.

lol.. I've decided my picker is broken!!

lol.. surely a safe place to start. I, on the other hand, only have white, black or blue socks. NO WONDER I've been divorced so many times!!

Nice Job

But, I just started dating again, and haven't had to date since my mid 20's. I do find it difficult to even set up a date with a lady, when they have children. My child is 18 yrs old and did live me for 6 mnths of the last year, but has very very little to do if i want to go on the date.

So,I do see the point of some people who have no child per say responsibilities, They dont want the hassle that I have experienced, How often am I going to be able to date this person if it is a problem to get one date.

So I do, I must say I read the profiles of the women I think that are in my taste are attractive enough for me to want to date. And some of the first couple of things I look at are age to see If there isnt far out of my own, Body type is a important factor and the children if they live away or at home.

I am not saying I wouldn't date people with live in children, But i keep a careful eye on how it effects the dating habits.

Yes If that type of baggage has a great deal of hardship on a relationship, do you think its fair for either party to indulge in that relationship. That lady I believe should try to have a relationship with someone who has the same interest of dealing with each others children.

As for the exes:

If there's ANYTHING that raises a humongous red flag with me, it's when a woman says she's still "best friends" with her ex. If they're best friends, why did they split? And don't give me this, "we do better when divorced" stuff. I know when dating someone who's been divorced(especially when kids are involved),there has to be some minimal contact with the ex. But when you're dating someone, and the ex either calls or drops by ALL THE TIME, there's a definite problem here.

I agree Knox. I am NOT best friends with any of my ex's but I do maintain a very good relationship with them. We only talk when it involves the child. Otherwise, I have no reason to talk to them.

As for dating someone with under-aged children.. I have found it just does not fit my lifestyle. Mine are 25 and 20 and both are out of the house and on their own (though the boy child still brings home his laundry for mom to do). I have paid my dues, my life is very busy and finding time to date is difficult... children only make it more difficult. Not to mention the stress of going through the teenage years again.

Oklahoma football is hard enough to plan a date around!!

knoxman - being friends with ya ex don't mean its a red flag. If that is an issue, then it is an individual issue in regards to their own situation. A couple failed to make their relationship to work that don’t mean they can’t learn to get along if there’s children involved. We choose what works for us and if making the effort to get along with the ex, our children will benefit that and it makes moving forward easier for all involved.

Not everyone is vindictive and horrible….

I also ran into ex boyfriends and their families, …why be mean towards them if your relationship with that person didn’t work out. You only feel crap if you allow some ego problem rule you.

i am impressed enough with you to potentially forget about my ex

sidenote, this was not self-pity and maybe was a little sarcasm

cheers

letting the wounds heal is right on the money

why go into another relationship, when you are not over the last one

that is true baggage indeed

Awwww first of all very good post enjoyed reading it.

But... with one response towards the ex best friends now some may turn there nose up on that one. I'm on talking terms with mine we do have kids togethe and I did marry him so that means at one time there must have been something good there. And hating them and dishing them to others will get you no where but bitterness in side. We are adults and should be able to solve past issues and move on with our lives. One does not have to be buddy buddy with them but if kids are involved they should call a truce and work together for the kids sake. If possible.

My self to me a red flag is when one is always dishing the ex's those are the ones that can not see the whole pic. To me one that dishes the ex all the time has some deep dark problems they need to take care of.

Its best to get over and forgive the last relationship so one can move on and start out fresh

Taking responsibilty?

My ex, (not the father of my kids) and I, are best mates, always will be....we would be there in an instant for each other, we parted 'cause we did, we agreed that our worlds were looking different...no big deal...we weren't different just our worlds.

We have spent two years 'de-briefing' what our relationship was, and if anything are closer now than we were when we were an 'item'.

heh. i don't call my ex's. my ex's don't call me. but when we see each other in public, or at functions - to which quite simply both of us must attend - there isn't that "oh god there's my ex!" Bullsiht.

we really are ok with each other. and ultimately? I don't have to care at all if its an act for them - as I am sure it is for a couple that come to mind. I only have to care that my heart is right. My actions are reflective of that right. and that I am honest and honorable in everything that I am, and that I do.

Like I've said in another forum answer. I'm not responsible for their bitterness and anger, and I don't have to take it on. I never do, or did.

Every person is 100% responsible for their own feelings. Period.

I will always be nice. Besides, the ex's that do put on the show do so because I left them, and they perhaps have some insecurities, and/or feelings of "not good enough" as was stated in one o the comments to this thread, which isn't or was ever the case.

for me? to end a relationship is very simple. I see or am involved in situtations, and/or a situation which I cannot reconcile. I won't tell them that they have to change this or that. Instead I'll ask them what they're thinking when doing it, and if i find that the answer is a indicator to me of what will without question be a method of future functioning, which I do no wish to accept and/or reconcile. I leave them.
period.

I don't fight with people to make them "do what I want" because quite simply I know that I know that if something bothers me? It is my problem. not their problem. Because they were doing it long before they met me, and will do it long after I'm gone. it is nothing to do with me, accept in the sense of perhaps being a projection or mirror of my character which I do not like as such it bothers me.

however, in other cases, I have also asked the reasoning behind something and a partner has, "well you know? I haven't really thought about that before? huh." and they self examine and they CHOOSE of their own free will to address and/or change the event/method.

Life is work.
Relationships are work.
If you want to "change" your partner, wait till the clones come out and you can special order your partner, with complete dna manipuluation - after all if you're so selfish that you need to "change" anyone, than you will be narcissitic enough to custom make a partner, and I bet... when you do? they'll be just like you, and you'l want to kill them, because you'll be confronted with everything in yourself that you do not like, address, or acknowledge heh...

:)

oh wait...
i lied... i do have ex's that call me. and even a couple that have dropped over unexpectedly. I even once had an ex that only trusted me to babysit her son - though i think that was her trying to piss off my current g/f so that only happened once.
chinese proverb:
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me :P