Hi Sin39 ,

I think you misinterpreted my post a bit, or maybe I didn't explain fully. There is NOTHING wrong with getting along with your ex. That's fine. But when you're divorced and meet the ex for dinner a couple times a week, when you're spending weekends together, when he's at your house EVERY DAY, when you ask your date to a concert/ball game, and she asks if it's OK if the ex comes along because, "He's got nothing to do today":

THAT'S A PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!

I notice one word that stands out in your post.

Work.

Do the work, on yourself, own your share, and take responsibilty, is what I learnt.

Healing is one thing some don't know how to adjust to. Some people like to hang on to the past and that part of them is whats going to eat them alive. On my profile I talk about how people that come to this site looking for someone to take away the pain... the thing is, no one can take away that pain and if you don't learn how to heal like you said. It will be an on going thing in life and that is something I chose to over come. I choose to live today and be happy with myself and in doing so, i'm free inside and can go on with my new life.

It's a shame to see how many people that I have seen on this site put themselves through hell and for what? maybe it's the I want to get even with them part that keeps them hangen on.for the most part that is what I've seen but it;s not always the case. If you don't learn how to forgive and it start with yourself, this will never end. It took me a little while to forgive my ex wife. the one thing that was interesting to see was me being on the outside of things and the day I left, I had a talk with her and was able to see that it wasn't me that was realing hurting or or caused the relationship to end, it was interesting to step back and see how much she was hurting herself and not wantimg to grow... when I was talking to her and explaining how I see her and how I felt about things. She came out and asked me who's teaching me what to say. I looked at her and said, it's not that anyone was teaching me anything because it's always been there... It's just you never chose to look or wanted to try to actually communicate with me.

well for example : how many people have heard, "don't do that! my ex did that and I blah blah blah" i have pissed off girlfriends outright by saying? wow really? that sucks for you... well i'm not him, and its not my trigger, so you should probably spend some time working that out... because I'm not taking it on.
it's yours.
you own it.

I know fully that anyone that accomodates that in a current relationship, has just signed its death warrant....it is only a matter of time before everything that is their issue, that all occured long before you came along? is now entirely you that is the cause of it....

its a classical textbook descriptor, and well known in psychological circles.

its called enabling, and redirecting, and if a person allows a current partner to do that? they become the centric focus of the issues which the partner refuses to own.

shadow:
you totally square on nailed that one!
forgiveness, forgivness, forgivness.

and not just of the other people but of ourselves!!!!

people need to get over themselves, and maybe they'll be more accepting and compassionate toward others. if a person doesn't forgive themselves, they will not forgive others...

good call mate!

I was trying to keep it in layman's terms, Living....and yes, you are absolutely correct.

Who you talking to klc?

LivingByBeats. Great poat

One thing I like about this site. There is alot of people that are real and when there sharing I take what I can that aplys to me and try to learn from it. Yeah sometimes life has it's bumps but going through it is something I know I don't have to go through it alone. If I stop and look at myself on any situation and say what part did I have in this, then that is where I start to grow. Not alot of people with do that or can. it's usually them blaming the other and that is where people get lost. Thank for the post LivingByBeats. it's always good to have a reminder of where I stand and what is expected of me to grow in life

well shadow, you're obviously well adjusted and self conscious enough to know the difference :) its a pleasure to make your acquaintance :)

knoxman - you are fine mate. I answered just bit of what you said there. lol

relationships defined by science

should keep us on the internety both night and day!

knoxman, I just now read you what you said and I agree with you 100% there is no reason for the ex to be that much apart of someones life if there seeing someone. It's just wrong and there is nothing anyone can say about that. I guess the question is, how far is someone willing to go through this before it comes a problem with the relationship there in.

I like the take on forgiveness. Some sayings that have helped not only to forgive but forget is:

If you go to sleep with dogs then don't be surprised if you wake up with fleas.

Let sleeping dogs lie. (A dog could bite in its sleep.)

A dog may be a man's best friend but they also could use some mouthwash and it wouldn't hurt them to shave sometimes, too.