What do you get when you goose a ghost at halloween?


A hand full of sheet!

thats cute

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
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Why Pumpkins are better than Men
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
~Albert Camus

are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second.

The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second.

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:

"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!"
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Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
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.Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2.Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3.Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4.Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5.Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6.After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7.Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8.When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9.When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10.Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11.Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12.Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13.When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14.Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15.Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16.Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17.Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18.Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19.Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20.Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
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Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when

one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started

choking.



Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"

Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted


. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.



2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.



3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.



4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.



5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.



6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.



7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.



8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.



9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.



10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight. (I would just think this was my son and daughter in his bedroom! - J.R.)



11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.



12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.



13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."



14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib -- no

wait, that's just Jimmy.



15. You hear strange moaning - but only during Shania Twain videos.



16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old

Milwaukee.



17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.



18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.



19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."



20. Instead of saying "Boo," the ghost says "Boo-ya'll!"



21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin ... and he's taking a leak on YOU!



22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have

pictures of covered bridges on them.



23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.



24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because that Richard Simmons is on TV.



25. You come home one day and it's ... clean!

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.

"What on earth are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail," says the guy.

"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.

"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"
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Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn.
~Elizabeth Lawrence

Chased by a Coffin

A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.

It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin.

No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street behind him.

The man is scared. He's sure it's following him! In an effort to shake it off, her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the faster the coffin bounces along behind him!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It's right behind him!!!

Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after him.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief but ...

clappity BUMP...

clappity BUMP...

clappity BUMP...

The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door when ...

CRASH!!!

The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!

What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.

Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and

...........

...........

(Wait for it)

...........

...........





..........finally the coffin stops!!

What do ghost eat for breakfast? Ghost Toasties.