A friend of mine had her 25th anniversary yesterday ..
The first thing I thought was "Thank god it's not me!"
Isn't that odd? They look really happy .. and what am I looking for: that kind of commitment and happiness ..

If you could .. hypothetically speaking .. do it over, go back in time and change things, and could have that with your then partner, of course things being hunky dory .. would you want that, would you do that?

Bear in mind it does mean that you would not have anything you have now. All the fun, dates, lessons, maybe even new love ..

The logical answer would be "Of course", but really? Think of all the good things you got to do, feel, learn etc. because you divorced/broke up with that partner back then.

Would you gladly give all of that up to have the 25 years? (or maybe 20) And then another 25, so I'm talking lifelong partner, one and the same..

Would you?

Celebrated 24 and then gone. So yes it was worth it. I would do it again if the circumstances are right and the chemistry sparked.

Just not sure it could happen a second time. You never know though, so I stay open to it.

Nope.

I have no idea what I would write about then. Haha.

Humm if things could be done all over and it was hunky dory and we were happy sure I would do it all over....

If certain circumstances had not happen we most likely would have never split up.. and would have been on our 34th year...

But reality sits in.... would I go back to him now 23 years later? No...

He is still a good man and has admitted his faults to our kids... He still calls me, when it concerns our kids or grand kids...

After 18 years together he left me for a younger woman, that relationship lasted only a short time
For me it was hard. 18 years was really a life time we raised the kids and became grandparents and started settling into the golden years

Its been 8 years I have. Finaly decided I will prolly spend the rest of my life single, mainly cause I have that. Feeling; ve experienced that lifetime of being a partner , been there done that lol

Nope, 18 years was all I could take with that person, and those might have been valuable lessons learned also. ~ Why never repeating mistakes are valuable in growth. I wouldn't be the person I am today without have living what I have and bringing me to this point.

Stop making me think of all those other dimensional reality possibilities!

Long term.... as the judge presided over my sentencing...ohhh.... as the preacher presided over my wedding..lol..

Its kinda nice being single coz you can't be hurt emotionally, or give everything you have only to be alone and hurt in the end, or any of the negatives of a relationship...
However it is nice to have someone to love, to share everything with and build a future with and love, care and make happy.

mmm .. it's just double.. in a way it must be wonderful, provided it is a good relationship of course, on the other hand side .. Spending your entire life, from lets say 22-24 yrs old, till you die with the same person? Phew.. pretty daunting!

When I was married, I remember thinking at some point "Is this it? So now I can never fall in love again? Never feel the thrill of the first kiss, that funny feeling in your tum when you're in love etc."
I think I was 30 at the time, and that prospect was pretty .. scary, almost depressing. Okay, I guess my marriage wasn't what it should've been anymore, otherwise I wouldn't have felt that way, but still..

Learnt during my 2nd LTR that it doesn't have to be that way, that you can still feel all that 'first time'-like excitement. But okay, that wasn't 25 years but 10, so maybe it would've worn off as well.

Oh well .. I'll work it out.. going through some major process, lots of questions to which I have to find the answer. And I will, I'm actually embracing this process, cos for the first time in years I feel I'm going places again. I'm so close to spreading my wings and soaring high in the sky.. dumping everything and everyone that doesn't nurture me anymore .. I'm so danged close .. to tasting sweet freedom on my lips .. inner freedom that is :)

If I had it to all over again, I would go back in time and spend it with the one I am with now. Hopefully, I would not screw it up!

I wouldn't change anything.Like many on here,i have been through the heartache etc,got over it,and had some harmless fun.I like who i am now and i know the kind of person i want to be with.There is no substitute for experience,so if i find her to share our life and experiences that will be wonderful,if not,life is still good...
But in a nutshell,i don't think i would have wanted to marry young and still be together,even though i wanted it then.
It seems to be as confusing as we want it to be...

I will not dwell on what could have been... all I know is this... I have done long term... for the most part it was good.... the sharing the caring.. the support.... having someone at your beck and call.. 24 /7.... and vice a versa...... but those times when I felt..
that my time was not my own... that I could not have a thought... that did not correspond with the relationship somehow.... the feeling guilty because I want to spend time alone...
... the constant thinking and worrying how this may affect her.. my every little action.....no..... I would sooner.. walk the empty streets.... without the softness of her hand... in mine...
... I would sooner come to grips and feel the pain of loneliness.... from time to time.. then go back... then go back into 24 /7.. relationship....
.. I prefer and like my life the way it is right now.... I share with someone when I want to... and other days I don't feel like sharing... I can be alone guilt free.... I am finding the passion...
.... the overwhelming anticipation...
.
..... the building up of.. desire..

Yeah, I think that is the right attitude ..
For me the thing is, had I stayed with my husband, I would have missed out on all the stuff I learnt during my second relationship. And sure, I would have had different things with and from my husband, but... the BIG 'but' for me... my 2nd partner has been a pro drummer, so he was all about music, pro sound & pro lighting etc. etc. (he used to work in show-business for some 20 yrs). And I learnt SO much from him! If it wasn't for him, I would NEVER have gotten on stage to sing, to perform, to become the MC of an event etc. and find out just how much I like doing all that!
And that may sound trivial, but doing such things, is a crucial part of ME of who I AM. I just never knew until I was with him.
I discovered that I liked playing drums myself, so I got my own drum-kit.
My son got into music because of my ex as well, had his own band, wrote the music and lyrics, he was the lead singer, learnt to play guitar and blossomed, he turned out to be an unbelievably good performer! That kid belongs on stage! Stage animal, lol, hope he'll get back up there some time!

Just a few things, but these were and are SO important and I would never ever have known, nor have had the chance to explore this side of me, if it hadn't been for my 2nd partner.

So would I want to trade that in for 25 yrs of LT commitment? The first thing that I feel is "NO WAY!!"

Geezz ... clarity at last, lol, thank you JustFun. I guess I sometimes need a drummer to wake me up

Sorry, crystal...I'm a little lost on the premise. You specifically said 'if we could go back and everything was hunky-dory...'


If everything was "hunky-dory", why would any of us have left?

?!?


But, I think I've experienced what you suggested. When my son graduated from college, there was a huge family celebration at his dad's house...his father whom I'd divorced decades earlier. His 2nd wife, to whom he'd been married for 18+ years, had just died in the prior December.

While sitting there at my ex-husband's home, surrounded by all the family - mine and his that I hadn't seen in years - I remember being overcome by a sudden melancholy...a feeling of 'What Might Have Been, If Only...'


But, yes, I DID *snap out of it*...and yes, I DID come to the realization that the path my life had taken - as well as his happily-married life for 18+ years to a woman who DID love him 'til her death - would have been very, very different.

And, not necessarily 'better'.




I suspect I'll get those same melancholy feelings again at our son's wedding.

Thank you Crystal for your understanding.Why are you so far away ? And why am i not taller ? haha. I'm glad you enjoyed and embraced the musical passions of your ex,even with the best of intentions,not many women can adapt to the life of a pro musician.And still you and your family enjoy it so much.I needn't tell you to keep on encouraging those closest to you,while it didn't help my relationship,my profession took me all over the world and gave me experiences that i still wonder if they really happened .Even if your son doesn't make a career out of music,he already has a talent and passion that will help him through life,and something he can always fall back on.
So still a big YES from me.No changes,i have my experiences and they all make me smile now

Yeah I hear you.. totally understand .. I think this is what happens to many people. I feel it's a crying shame.. and really from the bottom of my heart hope that you will find someone again at some point with whom it will be different.. I truly do, cos I feel you deserve that..
.. Not every woman is like that, everyone grows, well, not everyone, lol, but many women do.

I know .. cos I've been that woman you described, with my husband. But then I got with No2 .. quite different. He was a narcissist or as close to one as you can get.. and with a narcissist the chit hits the fan when you get clingy & claiming. And boy did that fan get dirty! But... he did sometimes come up with real good arguments. And cos I'm the kind of woman that wants to learn ... I listened.. thought about it .. and sometimes I had to agree with him. So I changed, not because HE wanted to, but because I wanted to, I didn't want to be that woman anymore.
And the one thing I had not expected, a true gift!!: Because I let go, I got freedom! ME! I was free?!? That was a surprise, total shock! Especially as I found out I needed that freedom, lots of it as well.

I think many women don't even realize that they imprison themselves by claiming and clinging to their partners.
I felt like for the first time in my life I could breathe.. only cos I let go. So by 'liberating' him, I freed myself. Boy was I happy!!

Doesn't mean I don't feel feelings, don't get upset or jealous or insecure or whatever. But I can handle that myself, and if need be, talk to a man about it, but in a totally different way. I don't need to throw the cutlery at a bloke anymore, lol. (NO I never did that, was a joke).

And I think many ppl learn, thing is, it takes trial and error, and we all have been part of such a trial & error..
But maybe, some day, you'll walk down that empty street with a warm hand in yours

Not confusing at all. I have very similar views, so it's clear to me.

Oh yes, I totally understood the artistic side .. simply because I am artistic myself. Runs in the family from my mom's side. Lot's of musicians, painters etc etc. So it's in our DNA. And a true beaut to see that in both my kids as well :)
I don't ever miss my ex, the one thing I do miss, is the artistic click, the artistic exchange. We weren't right for each other as partners, but artistically we did erm .. nurture and stimulate each other. We totally understood the other that way, even though he didn't paint, he had knowledge of light & colour (pro light & sound tech), so he had 'the eye' for it. I got him to play drums again, after years of not playing, because I understood how important it is for a musician, an artist. I could tell what mood he was in by listening to him playing, the way he hit the cymbals, the toms etc. Now he's playing in a band again and I'm so friggin happy about that!
I loved that part of our relationship and that's the only part I dearly missed in the beginning, and sometimes still miss .. It was almost a separate entity within the relationship, if you know what I mean (i'm quite sure you do).

I don't mean the nostalgia at all, the exact opposite actually..
I'll try to rephrase it..
If you could choose, hypothetically of course, because you cannot choose,

Would you choose
- to have been and still be in a long term relationship with 1 person, from approx. age 20-24 till your dying day

or

- Are you happier with what you have now, even though you did go through heartache, divorce and all the chit that came with it, but also the good that you got after that? Like maybe dating, freedom, new partner etc. etc.

So ... would you be willing to give up what you have learnt and achieved BECAUSE you got divorced if you could have "happily ever after" from 20-24 yrs old till the day you die, with one and the same partner?

Hope that's clearer??

I would agree with that,it is in our DNA,my brother was a pro keyboard player/singer.I didn't have an ex who understood,but she did try at first.We learn don't we,some things we can adapt to,and some things we can't.I don't tour like i used to,so time apart would no longer be a problem.But that give and take,understanding,and encouragement has to be mutual ! I guess that is one of the biggest things i have learned.I wish her well too,no regrets,i simply learned what i do and don't want.That part of my life is long gone,but music has never let me down,and never will,whether playing it,or listening to it...the hope is to meet someone who does understand.You did hit on a part of that,the artistic involvement and intimacy ? That has to be felt to be understood ? Thank you Crystal