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| Topic: Why does a relationship have to be going someplace? | |
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you seem so sweet.
no wonder she wants to get married. |
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you seem so sweet. no wonder she wants to get married. 
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What's to be gained by getting married that a couple doesn't already have? Take a look at all of the failed marriages. Good point :) Sometimes it makes you wonder what those failed marriages were based on. If you have been with someone for lots of years that you know them well enough, why would getting married even need to happen? If you've both done everything together [or most things], then getting married will just be a statement. You can't possibly take the relationship any further if it's all been said and done. I also won't marry just to keep up with the Joneses, or because I just happen to be female so apparantely I should be all giddy about babies and serving meals. I like your view on this, girl.  I’m in no hurry to be tagged with the marriage sticker...only to become another divorce statistic. Legalities are the last thing I want to have to deal with when ending a relationship. Meal-serving and having/making babies may/will happen at their own time, if need be. |
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you seem so sweet. no wonder she wants to get married.
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Hiya Leigh!   On this, STOP!!!!!!! 
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Hiya Leigh! Ahahaha! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were around   
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you seem so sweet. no wonder she wants to get married. You're right. I have no idea why anyone would want to be involved with me. I'm a jerk. But, finding a new girlfriend has never been an issue for me. I guess what the nice guys say is true. Well, it's time for me to go to work. Hopefully tonight I'll find out if they're going to put me back in a road truck. At any rate, I have 450 miles to drive before sunrise. Have a pleasant evening. |
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Edited by
Leigh2154
on
Mon 10/22/12 03:20 PM
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you seem so sweet. no wonder she wants to get married. You're right. I have no idea why anyone would want to be involved with me. I'm a jerk. But, finding a new girlfriend has never been an issue for me. I guess what the nice guys say is true. Well, it's time for me to go to work. Hopefully tonight I'll find out if they're going to put me back in a road truck. At any rate, I have 450 miles to drive before sunrise. Have a pleasant evening. OR............It could be that your happy to accommodate the leash and collar fetishes...Keep both hands on the wheel and one eye on the road...or is that one hand on the wheel and both eyes on the road???...Either way, have a safe trip and watch out for those Flying J's, they're everywhere!!!
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All relationships are "somewhere". Some places you want to be. Sometimes you want to be someplace else.
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Perhaps these women aren't mature enough to accept what you are saying. As for fault; why would you care if she blames you or not? Again; it sounds like that a woman is pretty immature if she blames you for the relationship ending if she doesn't get what she wants. Sounds like a child throwing a tantrum if you ask me. Again; no one on this site can answer your question as to what the woman you are dating wants. Everyone is different; everyone wants something different. Me, I would appreciate your honesty and just walk away from the relationship with no hard feelings as I have no wish to change you anymore than I would want you to change me. It's not as if we're talking about 13 year olds here. She's an adult and capable of making up her own mind. If she wants to leave, it just shows me she isn't the right girl for me. So, as you say, no hard feelings. But, if she stays, she knows what she in for and the responsibility is her own. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good. I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. Well said. I think if one does keep them hanging; its not a relationship but more like FWB. |
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well I will say, a couple of guys I have dated before ASSUMED I wanted more when I didn't. I was told it's happened to them before so they assume.
Personally I like to go with the flow. What ever happens, happens. And I do appreciate people being honest and up front. If it's not for me, I'm free to walk away. Disclaimer: JMO 
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Ah, this explains a bit. It isn't a real situation, which makes sense, as you keep bringing more into it such as marriage, which wasn't in your original post. So no matter what any of us say, you'll just change it a bit and say that's not what it was about. Whatever step is being taken is irrelevant. It could moving in together, getting a dog, buying he a ring, setting a date, getting married, having children. Each step requires a life changing decision. Each step needs to be weighed carefully. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good. I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. As I have stated a number of times, she is an adult and fully able to make her own decisions. Her emotional wellbeing is her own problem. If she continued to nag me about it, I would tell her to go as I do with all nagging. I always say the same thing, "there's the door." If she isn't getting her needs met, go, please, don't let the door hit you on the way out. The world is filled with men, why waste you time with a jerk like me? But, they never leave. This is just going in circles. There is nothing new here. You ladies keep putting forward the same arguments and I have refuted them all several times now. I do want to meet someone and find a place and retire and all the rest. But, I don't want to be pushed into it in the same way a woman doesn't want to be pushed into having sex too soon. She must allow me the time I need to feel comfortable. This is why I do not break it off. I'll even give you my time table. Once we've been together five years, it's time to get a place together. Ten years and it's time to get married. As for children, I'm done with that. If she tells me she wants children, I stop having sex with her. I'm sure many will say this is unreasonable, but it's my time table and I'm holding firmly to it. This lady did offer something new man. It's called moral responsibility. If you love or have feelings for someone their emotional well being should concern you(particularly if she is the mother of your child). If another person's feelings are inconsequential to you- call it what it is...and the term doesn't resemble what most would consider a relationship. |
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This lady did offer something new man. It's called moral responsibility. If you love or have feelings for someone their emotional well being should concern you(particularly if she is the mother of your child). If another person's feelings are inconsequential to you- call it what it is...and the term doesn't resemble what most would consider a relationship. First of all, it wasn't new. It had been covered at least three times already in this thread. Second, taking responsibility for the motions of another person is an attempt to control that person. She's sad, so I'll do or say something to MAKE her be happy. It's futile. Her happiness is her own problem. It's up to her to get what she needs to be happy. If someone was hitting their head on a brick wall over and over again, is it the wall's fault? Of course not. The wall is just doing what walls do. |
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For the relationship to work, though, both people will need to be on the same page. If one doesn't want marriage and the other does, someone will end up unhappy. If one person keeps saying they're not ready for a bigger commitment and the other is, there's only so much time that someone will want to wait. If that can't be worked out, the two people are probably not right for each other. We've already covered this. Either a person is commuted or they aren't. Moving in together, getting married, whatever is no guarantee of greater commitment. It all comes down to trust. Ether you trust them or you don't. If you trust them there's no need for another step. If you don't trust them taking another step is foolish. Not really. It has to do with what you expect to have in life. If you expect to have a husband and family or at least a husband then you are looking for that to happen. It comes down to wants and needs for each person. She wants a husband or live in, right? You aren't going to do that so let her go so she can have what she wants. |
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Perhaps these women aren't mature enough to accept what you are saying. As for fault; why would you care if she blames you or not? Again; it sounds like that a woman is pretty immature if she blames you for the relationship ending if she doesn't get what she wants. Sounds like a child throwing a tantrum if you ask me. Again; no one on this site can answer your question as to what the woman you are dating wants. Everyone is different; everyone wants something different. Me, I would appreciate your honesty and just walk away from the relationship with no hard feelings as I have no wish to change you anymore than I would want you to change me. It's not as if we're talking about 13 year olds here. She's an adult and capable of making up her own mind. If she wants to leave, it just shows me she isn't the right girl for me. So, as you say, no hard feelings. But, if she stays, she knows what she in for and the responsibility is her own. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good. I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. Well said. I think if one does keep them hanging; its not a relationship but more like FWB. And actually fwbs is even more fair than what is being done here. At least with fwbs each person goes in knowing that they might not be the only one, it will be short lived usually and it is all in fun and no seriousness allowed. Or at least if they do it the right way. |
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Perhaps these women aren't mature enough to accept what you are saying. As for fault; why would you care if she blames you or not? Again; it sounds like that a woman is pretty immature if she blames you for the relationship ending if she doesn't get what she wants. Sounds like a child throwing a tantrum if you ask me. Again; no one on this site can answer your question as to what the woman you are dating wants. Everyone is different; everyone wants something different. Me, I would appreciate your honesty and just walk away from the relationship with no hard feelings as I have no wish to change you anymore than I would want you to change me. It's not as if we're talking about 13 year olds here. She's an adult and capable of making up her own mind. If she wants to leave, it just shows me she isn't the right girl for me. So, as you say, no hard feelings. But, if she stays, she knows what she in for and the responsibility is her own. What we get when we date much younger people are people that aren't as experienced in the complexities of a relationship. If it is one of the first experiences for them it isn't necessarily a level playing field. We've had a lot more relationships and challenges that we've dealt with. They haven't. Some people aren't as strong as others. Some people aren't as independent or able to stand on their own. I'm not to judge that. What I do feel is my responsibility is that if I seriously don't want something to progress and they do- I will cut things off for their own good. I feel that with the knowledge gained from my experiences-it's my moral responsibility to MYSELF to not let someone keep hanging around when I am probably not willing to give them what they need in the time frame they need it. It is selfish of me to keep them hanging around because I like it for the moment. If I have more inner strength than that person and if I love them I will leave them for the good of both of us. Time is precious and so is love. Neither should be squandered if you know in your heart it's not right. Well said. I think if one does keep them hanging; its not a relationship but more like FWB. And actually fwbs is even more fair than what is being done here. At least with fwbs each person goes in knowing that they might not be the only one, it will be short lived usually and it is all in fun and no seriousness allowed. Or at least if they do it the right way. 
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Not really. It has to do with what you expect to have in life. If you expect to have a husband and family or at least a husband then you are looking for that to happen. It comes down to wants and needs for each person. She wants a husband or live in, right? You aren't going to do that so let her go so she can have what she wants. I have never said I didn't want that too. What I am saying is that I need time before jumping into that and her rushing me is no different than a man pushing a woman too fast for sex. She has a right to make him wait, but doesn't have to tell him go away. She likes him but, just isn't ready yet. He should have the right to say "I love you and I want to be with you, but I need more time before I'll be ready for you to move in with me (or get married or whatever step she's insisting on)." I have explained and given examples as to why a man might feel this way. His concerns are legitimate. He may be putting a great deal on the line besides his emotions. Maybe he wants to see how well she takes care of her finances before she has access to his. Does she keep a clean living space consistently? There are many question to be answered and he should feel good about taking the next step, not pressured. |
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But timing is everything. If she wants it now and you don't, then you should let her go to go and get what she wants.
If you don't know those things about her by now then you weren't planning to be serious with her anyway man. |
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Edited by
HeadnHeart
on
Wed 10/24/12 05:07 PM
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The relationship does't necessarily have to be going anywhere, as long as it is defined and both are accepting of it. Whatever it may be.
So my question is, does that make it HIS fault, if she wants more after deciding this and he's either not ready or does not know what he wants? Is it HER responsibility to remove herself from something that doesn't align with her newfound goals, or anterior motives? |
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But timing is everything. If she wants it now and you don't, then you should let her go to go and get what she wants. If you don't know those things about her by now then you weren't planning to be serious with her anyway man. If she loved me, she'd give me the time I need to feel comfortable. In the same way I don't push women into having sex before they're ready. She is free to leave whenever she wants. I don't keep women locked in a cage (unless they're into that kinky slave girl thing). 
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