It is called friendship, which is what he has stated he now wants. Do you truly believe women are only beneficial for sex alone?


OP, if that is how you truly feel, then so be it. Tell her this and let the chips fall where they will. Obviously be tactful and gentle about it, but doing anything else would just cause more problems in the long run. If she values your friendship as you apparently do hers, she will understand and you can go from there.

Where did he say he didn't want more? Seems to me he wants to date, but doesn't want a sexless relationship. I can understand that.

I think if you really like her you should date her and stop thinking only about sex. Can men do this? If she is shy about all the sex jokes you are making around her then you should respect that and stop cracking the jokes! Just go out with her a few time with NO expectations of having sex, guess what...a lot of people do that, they go out for a date and they don't have sex!
If it is meant to be then it will happen naturally, if not..then you did not ruin your friendship. I would rather have a good friend then ruin a great friendship by sleeping with them!!
Just use some manners and date her!!!

I never said anything to imply that.

I said that if she isn't going to have sex she should benefit him in some other way. If she doesn't offer anything she would be a liability and none of us needs that.

However, the OP already answered how she benefits him. He just does not want to pursue any sort of relationship with her at this time, which is his choice and is perfectly fine.



I personally find hanging out with someone whose company I enjoy beneficial.

I would recommend probably cooling it at hanging out with this friend for a while. Don't be mean about it just kind of face facts you both want two different boundries and one or the other is going to be pressured into doing something they really don't want to do.

If you let yourself be drawn into a sexless relationship you already know you really don't want you are going to be frusterated and bored fast. Tension will develope that will strain if not destroy the friendship. If you stray, well you know what that is going to do to your reputation and "guilt" level. She has already made it clear she likes you and not just as a friend.

If you say "Nope I thought we were just hang out friends" she can get angry and feel scorned and you know where that leads.

I have seen far too many marriages/families fall apart years later because the guy really didn't want the relationship on the terms that were stated but when the gal eventually "gave it up" and pressured him he tried to do the "right thing" that was right for nobody.

If you try to have a relationship she is going to see the pressure and could quite easily feel forced to compromise her comfort zone to keep you. You might get laid and think she has caught up to where you are at but the likely hood of you being resented or even worse find yourself having sex unprepared for with the emotional and physical fallout being very high.

If she puts a premium on sex as the act of "love" you are walking face first into a disaster if it turns out not to be later. You could not only loose a friendship but loose a friend. Unwanted pregnancy or disasterous early relationships can have terrible consequences. Even for the guy who can't face he has messed up another person's self esteem, ect..

I might surprise some but I don't think you are being piggish. Being sexually active is a personal choice that adults make as individuals with, hopefully, other individuals making the same choice.

This relationship I hate to say sounds like a woman who is wanting what she wants and really doesn't care all that much that it is not what you make pretty clear is your want. Kind of should be a heads up about how the relationship will go long term weather it starts out as just hanging out friends or ends up sexbuddies, lovers, or mates.

Thank you every body for the good advice!And a special thanks to those that sorta backed me up when OTHERS thought I am just like the average guy that wants to just **** and not give anything back.To those that responded rudely about this topic, I say needle in your eye!I am NOT the hit it and quit it guy.FYI (not that you have a right to know) I like to know the women I choose to date before I date them because unlike some guys who get trapped into a bad relationship just cause they wanted something else the woman can not give (because believe it or not women are just as bad when it comes to dating as often as men are)I have some respect for myself and I know what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be with, and nothing can change that.I am not a sex-maniac, but I don't believe in the whole no sex before marriage thing because honestly sex really does play a major role in relationships (especially long term ones) and I would like to know what I am getting into before its too late.Made that mistake once before and got hurt,not gonna do it a second time.Did I ever say sex is whats only on my mind when I thought of dating her?NO.I did not.She happens to be one of my closest friends and we enjoy relaxing together doing random things quite alot.HOWEVER, I want a woman who isnt insecure about herself or shy or just likes to stay inside all the time.I know what I am looking for.I didn't ask for advice on what I SHOULD be doing. I asked how to respond to an advance that I am not <i>entirely</i> interested in AT THE MOMENT.I happen to not want to lose her as a friend BECAUSE of a stupid thing I might say so I asked how to avoid that.Thank ya,thank ya very much!

All that wasn't necessary, why are you so touchy about stuff? do you feel better now that you've had a little rant? In the end, it doesn't matter what any of us think you should do.She's your friend any you know her and the situation far better then we do. You also should know, as close as you are to her, how to communicate with her. So good luck and hope it works out!

Humm, no where does he admits he wants to date her. Matter of fact he states that he will not date her due to the sex issue. He implies he wants to remain as friends with her. She is the one that seems to want more then just a friendship. His feelings do not seem to be the same as hers...

The sexless relationship is a issue for him. Which I can understand his point as well as hers..

According to his comment he was not going to date her. Seems to me his feelings for her is not the same as hers is for him....He says that himself..

I'm just saying be honest and tell her the feelings are not mutual. It seems that he can not be himself around her as far as what he says or wants within a relationship. Sometimes honesty is the only way you can go and hope the friendship will over come the issue.

He does not have to say it is due to she want have sex with him for that could cause her to give in just to be with him which is never a good thing...

It's someone he's close to and enjoys spending time with. Staying friends with someone who is not into or ready for sex is probably the best thing he can do. I wouldn't want a sexless relationship, either. I don't think that means I don't want anything other than sex, though, just as I don't think he only wants sex.

Well actually this is a tougher situation than I thought!!

See - she has put herself out there. She wants to date.
She is very vulnerable now and if you turn her down on dating
then there is almost no way you can avoid hurting her feelings.
Could hurt a lot too.

All I can think of is to say you are not ready to date her.
But she will want to know why.

From your earlier post it seemed like you were possibly interested
in her in a romantic way - and if you rebuff her tentative advance
then it may never be quite the same again.

So that is difficult.

Things are not always as difficult as we like to make them.

Think about it, how would you want someone to treat you in that situation?

Hummm, I guess you can read into it what you want to and I will read into it as I see it...

He said he enjoys her friendship, no doubt on that one. But he also says he can not be himself totally around her for he has to watch what he says...the subject of sex is one she is uncomfortable with he is not... If you can not be yourself around the one your in a relationship with it is very hard for it to work out.

I would not want a sexless relationship either and did break up with one due to that. So I agree with him on that one totally..

As far as the part not wanting anything but sex...per his profile that is all he wants! That is where I'm getting that from...yes I do look at profiles when someone ask a question before I answer them. In order to get and idea of the person behind the question....

Honestly with the information given it still sounds like he is not into her as much as she is into him. Therefore keeping it on a friendship bases is the best way..

All he has to do is let her know he would rather keep it as friends only! That he would rather not mess up what they do have together. Maybe she will understand that maybe not. Regardless there could be some hurt feelings on her part cause she has already put it out there. It is a gamble but one that can not be avoided for long...would not be fair to let her think there is a chance for them. JMO

Ah, ok. I was going by what he said in this thread about this particular situation, rather than reading into it and guessing what he really meant. He's explained himself already and that's all I've gone by.

I checked out your profile to get an idea of the age range here - is she younger than you since you are 21 and divorced that might be too much experience for her.

All relationships need to start somewhere. Where did you meet? Do some sports activities together. give it three months and then reassess.

That is good, I'm glad you have gone by how you see the situation....Just because I do not see it the same way as you, does not mean I'm guessing on the situation. Just means I stated my opinion from what I have read and how I see it..

Try telling her the truth.

Some women are uncomfortable hearing dirty jokes in mixed company and some are not. A gentleman picks up on that and avoids telling those jokes if they see that the woman is uncomfortable with them. Just sayin.

Ok. So, she put it out there that she wants to date you. Or rather, she has made it known that she wants you to ask her out right? Ok, going by this, you seem to be the one with the problem. Yeah, you enjoy the friendship with her. She isn't responding to your sexual innuendos and all, but she still wants to go out with you. Seems to me she has thrown the ball entirely in your court my man. All you gotta do is make a call.

You guys sound as if you were awesome friends in the beginning. This is really good. "She should know what sex is like and like to do it." This is a brash statement that may scare her away. And she is not a prude, some women don't place sex at a high value in the beginning of relationships. Maybe she wants things to progress there. Who could resist sex? Every human was created for it.

"I won't date her because she is too shy about sex." Too general a statement. You don't really know or understand her reasons for wanting to wait. Have you talked about it with her yet? Actually heard her out? I think you guys may want different things. Maybe you personally want a casual thing going on with her but it doesn't sound like she does. If you wanted something truly deep with this girl, it shouldn't be so confusing. Just explain to her you are not looking for anything too serious. You shouldn't ignore her if you still want to be friends.