Lot of my Mingle pals know that my Dad passed away recently from bone cancer but what many of you do not know is my family crumbled when I was a very young child. Five siblings split four ways and the parents went in opposite directions. Not as an uncommon event as in today's world but not that rare either.

What was uncommon was with some skip tracing twenty years later I tracked down two of my older siblings and a short time later my Mother and her half of the family. Five more sister's to the plus side it was half of a family. And my Mom died of cancer

A year later I had contact with my Dad and after almost fortysix years I actually Met and became a family for a decade.

People ask ne why and I could point fingers here and there but the bottom line was two twenty somthings had kids but could not keep it together and a lot of people suffered because of it. Not just the husband and wife but the kids, grandparents, aunts; uncles, cousins , grandchildren, friends , neighbors , co workers, clergy, and so many others that were caught in the cross fire of the two waring sides..

I guess the point I want to make is when people find themselves in a failed relationship trying to get past the anger and not let the whole family go to pieces for years and years ; even decades. Try to let go of the BS and get back together in some semblance of family as quickly as possible.

Bbecause so much is lost when you don't. Even if you can put it back together better than our family did it is never enough.

I am so sorry that you and your family have had to go through this.I agree,we need to try and keep family together.
When my family are at odds.Things are just not right!We really try to make things okay again.And believe me,that's not always easy.
I wish you all the luck at getting them to understand what family really means.

While this is no doubt lovely to both read and see, for some the pain goes too deep for bridges to be repaired..

I understand that! But it is still very sad.

It is, though this is not me directly, just a family member, and I can understand their reasoning.. Life goes on though, but in a positive fashion..

The death of my dad, let our family fall apart. I was the "black sheep" & have alwyas walked my own path. Dad & I made our peace years ago & I felt we came to understand eachother. I knew I could count on him & He knew he could count on me. That is what matters to me & if the others don't want to accept me, as I am? THEIR LOSS. Funny thing is, they ALWAYS contact me, when there is a NEED for help. Mom's dementia has her so far in the past, my visits just upset her, so I don't go. My choice & lots of history there.

I will live as I always have, WALKING my path.

Hi I am kind of surprised to see posts here. I think I was thinking out loud to the universe so to speak but pleased that it didn't just fall to the ground.

I get what you mean about some relationships not working in a family. I guess I just hope that it doesn't keep people from trying to keep the ones that do from connecting. Or re-connecting once as minimal amount of time as possinle has past.

I do get too that some behavior does not deserve to be endorsed and if connecting with certain family members is too toxic it is not going to work. My sympathies to you dealing with dementia. That is really a tough one. Sometimes if your presence is upsetting you can just support the caregivers to show your love and whatever duty you might feel.

I can relate to the being the one that is "used", An older sibling and stable or at least cautious enough not to keep on the edge where every little nudge pushed me off a cliff I was often the soft place to land for my family/friends. As I get older I am trying less and less to allow being the "ATM with hair" or "bailing out" others that would learn more from consequences than empathy. Especially to the point that my own needs are barely met much less enjoying the fruits of my own labor that I think that is only fair.

That is not what I was suggesting when I thought about this post. I was saying is if a relationship is failing just admidt it , cut your losses , and try to part company with out sacrificing the whole relationship as a total loss. Co-parenting is possible and with a little respect and co-operation the family really doesn't need to be anilialted to part company. Especially for kids who just want to have normal relationships with the parents and siblings from both sides before all that is left is ashes.

My Dad has been married 4/times. He had 2/sons by his second wife.She hated it here,so she took the 2/boys and went back to Germany.He never heard from them. Then in late 89,his one son decided to look him up. Great,I had a half-brother,someone to share things with. Didn't work out that way.Jerry thought that he was owned things because his dad wasn't there,but he wasn't there for me until later,much later. He left here in 1997 and That was that.. Do I tell this heartless man that his father is dying?? Dad says Hell No. He also says not to tell him,when he is gone. I don't know what to do. Do I follow his wishes? To be honest, I really miss and love my brother and I do need him and I think Dad needs him.

I was up against this very issue since some of my siblings only wanted what they wanted , basically technical medical information, heirlooms, and little else. Certainly expressed minimal empathy for either my Dad or me.

Personally I think expecting your step brother to fill any real familia support needs is probably more wishful thinking than reality. While sibling rivarly is likely to still exist any sense of fairness or duty or even kindness because you are female is going to be marginal at best.

Pressing your Dad to mend fences when he doesn't want to will only ultimately add to stress on you when it probably turns out to be a miserable exchange and he may resent or feel depressed that you don't get he can't fix it.

It is sad that when blending families fail the hurts do linger a long long time for everyone involved. It is not just looseing a parent but often siblings even though most times that is overlooked by the "parents" that are dealing with their "stuff".

I know today on Father's Day I sure felt much as I always have, as an only child being told to take care of everyone else but not taken care of myself. Talking to other older people I find this is not uncoommon especially in "caregivers".

It wouldn't do Jerry any good to think that He would get anything from the will,because there is nothing to get.My Dad has saving nothing,after his last wife passed away.he just stop caring. He doesn't even have a will,he has signed over his tralier and truck to my son and car & van to me. That is that. I really don't think Jerry would care,after it has been almost 15 years. Guess I should leave things alone.

You are the only one who can decide what you need to do.

You are the one who has to live with decisions you make and you know your family better than anyone here.

Look at what is bothering you with both decisions, how will doing either effect you and your Dad, then decide what you need to do.

Oh I hear ya

Wise comments.

You can compare notes to other peoples experiences and feelings but ultimately everyone does have to live with their own choices.

Sadly in family matters. especially Caregiver decisions, they usually come loaded with lots of influences, history, and lasting consequences.

Always better to do what you know you can live with. Lucky for me I made it clear to my Dad years ago he was going to have to do the necessary stuff on writing a detailed advanced directive, Durable Power of Attorney and a Will so there would not be a lot of questions of what he wanted an did not want or I would not get involved.